


Old Love, New Opportunities

by ImagineBeatles



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 13:07:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 46,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15534903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImagineBeatles/pseuds/ImagineBeatles
Summary: John got shot and survived. Paul comes to visit. Set in 1982.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr in 2013

John was getting nervous again. He had gotten out of the hospital just a couple of months ago, and finally Paul was able to visit him. Sure, Paul had visited him in the hospital, but that was the hospital. And neither of them had been very cheery seeing the circumstances. John had been lying on his bed, Paul sitting in the chair next to his hospital bed, Yoko waiting outside, making Paul a not very comfortable. John could tell. He didn’t blame him. Not anymore.

            Things between him and Yoko hadn’t been that great either. They were fighting a lot more, lately. Especially since John came back from the hospital. They had tried to talk about it, trying to find the cause. Neither of them could. Sure, John still loved Yoko. He truly did. Just not like he used to. Yoko had the same problem, but less. She still fancied him like crazy, especially since she had nearly lost him only one and a half years ago. John didn’t find her that fascinating anymore. John was getting bored. Like always.

            John put the kettle on for tea. Yoko was at the piano, playing.  John had promised her to bring her a mug too. John waited for the water to boil and then poured it into two mugs. One for him and one for Yoko. He added some milk, sugar and the tea itself and he was done. John walked over to Yoko. He placed the mug on the piano.

‘Thanks.’ Yoko said. She kept on playing. John leaned against the piano, drinking his tea silently as he listened to her play.

‘Sounds great.’ He said as she finished. Yoko smiled at him and drank some of tea.

‘Thank you.’ She said, John smiled back, ‘When’s Paul coming?’ John’s smile disappeared. He really hated the situation with Paul and Yoko. Always had, of course. But now it was worse. Since John and Paul had made up again just before he got shot. John was glad the bulled hadn’t been closer to his heart. He knew for sure he hadn’t made it then. John felt his scar starting to itch. He tried to ignore it.

‘Tomorrow. At ten in the morning. You can see him if you want to. Before you leave.’ John said, wanting to sound normal and not overly excited. Yoko nodded and played a silly little tune. John studied her fingers. She truly was a special woman. John drank the last of his tea when the door behind him opened. He and Yoko both looked up and saw the little six years old Sean standing in the doorway, holding a teddy bear close to his small chest. John smiled widely at the cute sight.

‘Daddy. I dropped something…’ Sean softly said. John smiled at his wife before he walked over to his son. He kneeled down in front of him.

‘Come on, then. Let’s see what we can do about it. What did you drop?’ John asked sweetly to his son. Sean loosened the grip on his bear when he saw his father wasn’t mad. He looked down at the ground.

‘I spilled me milk.’ He said. John ruffled up his hair and smiled at him. Sean looked up.

‘Come let’s clean it.’ John said. Sean smiled weakly and nodded. John got up again and blew a kiss at his wife, who got it and send one back to both her men. Sean smiled widely now. He leaded his father to the spot where the terrible accident happened. John looked at the stain in the carpet. It didn’t look at bad. Sean looked at it too and then to his father. John nodded to himself and got some cleaning stuff out of the closet. His itching started to get worse, but he was told not to scratch that much, so he kept on ignoring it. John gave a piece of cloth to his son and together they cleaned it all up. None of them noticed Yoko watching them from the hall.

            The doorbell rang. John jumped to the door and opened it with a big smile on his face. On the other side stood his mate and old songwriting-partner, Paul McCartney, too with a smile on his face. He held a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

‘Paulie. You’re here. Come in mate! Come in!’ John insisted. Paul grinned.

‘I’m glad you’re doing okay, John.’ He said.

‘Okay? What makes you think that Paul? I’m dying here. Can’t you see?’ John joked. Paul laughed slightly, feeling a bit uncomfortable as he could sense Yoko was home too. John gave him a reassuring wink. Paul gave him the flowers.

‘Here. To cheer this white place up a bit. I thought you’d like a bit of colour.’ Paul said. John could hear the nervousness in his voice. John took them from Paul with a big smile, trying to make Paul feel as comfortable as possible. He was glad he had been able to get Yoko out of the house after they’d said “hello”. John studied Paul. He had to laugh as he saw the amount of colour on Paul’s clothing. It actually suited him very well.

‘I would love a bit of colour. I suppose you’d look as an design piece here, as colourful as you are.’ John joked. Paul grinned at him.

‘I’d take that as a compliment.’ He said. John smiled at him.

‘You’d better, Paul.’ He said. Then there was a little noise coming from the door that led to the kitchen. John first thought it had been Yoko, but when he turned around it was somebody else.  A little guy of six was watching the two old friends from behind the door. John smiled at him and beckoned him to come in. Paul had gotten curious now too and looked over John shoulder.

‘He, look who it is! Sean, little fella. How are you doing then?’ Paul asked cheery with a big smile on his face as Sean came in. John thought he looked adorable like that.

‘Say “hello” to uncle Paul, Sean. And a hug. He’d deserved that. He had to drive for a long time to come here.’ John said. Sean nodded and walked over to Paul, who was getting on his knees to be at the same height as Sean. Sean wrapped his arms around Paul’s neck and hugged him. Paul hugged back. The sight gave John a warm feeling inside his chest.

‘Ello, uncle Paul!’ Sean said with his cute boyish voice. Paul giggled and gave him a kiss on his cheek. John watched them.

‘Ello, little man.’ Paul said back. Sean smiled at him and then let go, walking to his father and grabbing his hand. John ruffled up his son’s hair.

‘Good boy! Now let’s get mother here and have some tea. Go and fetch her, will ya.’ John said to Sean. Sean nodded and walked away. Both man looked at him walking away. Then they walked into the kitchen. John had already put the kettle on, so all they had to do was wait and get the cookies, which John had made with Sean.

‘Sean backed them. With me of course. He’s getting really good at it.’ John said as Paul got the cookies. Paul sniffed and took in the scent.

‘They do smell delicious. Can’t wait to try one.’ Paul said.  John got three mugs and a plastic cup for the tea and Sean’s apple juice.

‘Sean looks happy. He’d grown since the last time I saw him. He’s almost seven now isn’t he.’ Paul asked. John looked at him and nodded. His glasses slipped to the end of his nose. He didn’t bother to push them back up again.

‘Yeah. Don’t tell him, though. He might get a little overexcited. His birthday always makes him a little greedy.’ John said. Paul laughed.

‘He got that from you, then!’ He joked. John laughed with Paul. Paul noticed John’s glasses at the end of his nose. He walked to John and raised his hand. John fell quiet. It had been a long time since they had been standing that close in a kitchen. Paul gently pushed the glasses back on John’s nose, looking into John’s eyes intensively. John’s gazed at his friend. Paul’s finger moved from John’s nose to his cheek, caressing it lightly. Both boys jumped up as the kettle went off. John quickly moved to the stove, turning it off and taking the kettle off it. He poured it carefully into the three mugs. Paul watched John’s movements. He felt drawn to John’s fingers, wrapped around the handle tightly. Paul smiled to himself. John put the kettle back on the stove and made tea for the three of them, himself, Paul and his wife.

John put everything on a tray and walked to the living room. Paul followed him.

            Yoko was already in the living room, with Sean on her lap, talking.  Yoko looked up as she heard the two come in. John placed the tray on the table opposite the cough. Yoko gave Paul a hand.

‘Hello, Paul. Had a good flight?’ She asked. It didn’t really sound friendly, neither did it sound unfriendly.  John looked up at the two, worried what might happen. He knew Paul already didn’t like Yoko, and even the littlest things would set him off.

‘Oh, it was alright. We even arrived early.’ Paul said with a smile on his face. John sighed in relieve. At least they acted like adults.

‘Good. Please, sit down.’ Yoko said with a fake kindness. Paul noticed but sat down and didn’t react to that. John looked at him with a thankful smile. Paul smiled back at him. John handed all of them a cup of tea and a cookie. John gave Sean his apple juice too.

All of them talked till it was time for Yoko to leave.

‘John, is it okay if I take Sean with me? I want to buy him some new clothes. He growing really fast lately.’ She asked. John nodded.

‘Yeah, sure. Me and Paul will be fine, even without our babysitter, won’t we, Paul?’ He said as he ruffled up Sean’s hair, who immediately duked away and tried to redo his hair. John laughed.

‘Yeah, we’ll be fine.’ Paul said. He smiled at Yoko and Yoko smiled back, although it wasn’t genuine. John and Paul stood up too and walked to the front door. Sean quickly followed. Yoko handed Sean his coat and his shoes, which Sean put on. John gave Yoko a kiss on the lips and waved as they walked away. Jealousy shot through Paul. He knew it was stupid. She was John’s wife! How could he not kiss her. Paul raised his hand and waved too, hoping they would be gone for a long time. 


	2. Chapter 2

John and Paul were sitting at the piano again. Like old times. John’s fingers were dancing over the keys as Paul watched them as if he had been hypnotized by them. They were sitting on the same stool. Legs touching slightly, as if they had no choose but to touch. Paul didn’t mind. He wanted to push his leg more against John’s but was afraid John might push him away. So Paul’s eyes and mind kept focused on John’s long, manly but still beautiful and delicate hands. He wasn’t really playing anything special. Just a few tunes of new songs he was working on. Paul liked the tunes. But, if he was honest he liked everything John played. Paul would still like it if John would play the freaking alphabet song on the bloody thing. Paul didn’t care what song John would play. Everything produced by those fingers that belonged to that man was beautiful. Even if John wouldn’t believe it.

            ‘Paul, are you okay?’ John asked. Paul didn’t react. He didn’t even hear him. His mind was too far off to hear the man next to him partially speak into his right ear.

‘PAUL!’ John nearly shouted. Paul jumped up and would have fallen of the seat if John hadn’t grabbed him by his shirt and caught him. Paul looked up at him as John held him. Paul was still hanging above the floor. If John would let him go now, he’d fall on the ground anyway. John was chuckling, shaking his head. Paul laughed too and waited for John to help him sit up again.

‘You’re a bloody fool sometimes, aren’t you Macca?’ John asked. Paul stopped laughing and his swallowed thickly. John noticed.

‘What?’ He asked, still with a big smile on his face. Paul opened his mouth to say something. John still held him, but didn’t pull him back up. Paul closed his mouth again. John stopped laughing and helped him back up. Paul straightened his shirt and tie and laid a hand on the ivory keys of John’s white piano. Paul could feel John’s eyes on him. It made him nervous.

‘Paul what’s wrong?’ He asked. Paul didn’t look at him. He just shrugged.

‘Nothing. It’s just… it’s just…’ Paul said quietly. John leaned closer. Paul felt his warm hand on his shoulder. Paul turned his head towards him. John looked worried.

Paul swallowed thickly again and looked down at their touching legs. John noticed and moved his leg away from Paul. Paul immediately regretted the looking at their touching legs.

‘You called me Macca.’ Paul said softly. He wasn’t even sure if John had heard him since he kept quiet.  Paul looked up again. John was studying Paul intensely. It made Paul blush slightly.

‘You never call me that again.’ Paul said a little louder. John smiled at him. Almost lovingly. Like he used too. Paul felt tears form behind his eyes as he thought about that. Paul quickly pushed the thoughts away. John raised his hand from Paul’s shoulder to his cheek. It made Paul’s cheeks get even redder. John wasn’t that much taller than him, if he was even taller. But Paul felt smaller now. He looked down at his hands. John searched for his eyes. He lifted Paul’s head up again gently by raising his chin with his finger. When their eyes locked Paul felt himself getting warm all over. It didn’t  last long, though. Soon John let go of Paul’s chin and turned to the piano again. He let the finger, that just a couple of seconds ago rested on Paul’s warm and sensitive skin, rest on one of the piano keys. Paul didn’t care much for what note it was.

‘I… I just… I thought you didn’t like it when I called you that.’ John said. Paul shook his head.

‘No, well, I just to. But when you didn’t anymore, I missed it, you know. I felt like it really meant something. Whatever that was. It still means something. I don’t know if it still means the same, but it does mean something.’ Paul said. He knew he sounded daft and stupid. But he didn’t care. It was the truth. Paul heard John chuckle.

‘I still wonder why you’ve never changed, Paul.’ John said. He turned his head to Paul.

‘Is that a good thing?’ Paul asked. He saw John needed no time to think about that. He just added a dramatic silence. Then he slowly nodded.

‘Yes. I like you when you’re your old self. That’s the guy I know. The guy who meant the world to me for so many years.’ John said. Paul swallowed.

‘And still does.’ John added softly. Paul felt a smile growing on his face. John played the key his finger had been lying on. It was one of the most beautiful sounds Paul had ever heard.

            John looked out of the window as he played his new stuff for Paul. It felt like when they had first started. No crazed fans all over them, no women standing in their way, no battle for fame. Stupid fame, John thought. No, no rivalry now. Just the two of them, as friends. Like back in Liverpool. John felt his fingers move over the keys. He felt Paul’s eyes on his fingers as he played. Paul beautiful, feminine eyes with long lashes and perfectly shaped eyebrows. John sighed.

‘What?’ He heard Paul ask. His voice sounded far away, even though he felt Paul’s thigh against his own.

‘I meant it, you know.’ John answered. When Paul didn’t reply he turned his head.

‘You really still mean the world to me.’ John said. Paul smiled at him. With those red, big lips. John missed those lips.

‘I thought Yoko was the most important thing in your life. I thought she meant the world to you. Not me.’ Paul said, his smile fading as he spoke. John looked at his fingers, still moving over the black and white keys.

‘She used to. Not anymore.’ John said. He didn’t really want to talk about it.

‘What? Why not. I thought you were crazy about her.’ Paul asked in disbelieve. John nodded. The melody he played sounded sad. He hadn’t heard it yet.

‘I know. Still am to be honest. She‘s just… she’s… I don’t know.’ John said. Paul placed a hand on John’s shoulder. Paul didn’t look at him, neither did he push him away. He kind of liked the hand on his shoulder. It gave him strength.

‘Why am I so stupid, Paul?’ John asked with a sigh. Paul frowned and shook his head.

‘You’re not, John. You may be an ass and an idiot, but never stupid.’ Paul said.

‘Yes I am,’ John said, ‘I’m bored again, Paul. Bored, as always. Every time I find someone nice and interesting and sweet and lovely and all that good stuff. I get bored and I leave.’ Paul squeezed his shoulder.

‘I found Cynthia, I got her pregnant, I cheated on her, I hit her. She was so sweet and really tried, but I was just stupid, I got bored of her and left. I found Yoko. The most interesting woman I’ve ever met. I love her, she loves me. She gives me the space I need but keeps me sane and close at the same time. I get bored and don’t want her anymore, even though I still love her.’ John continued. Paul looked at him, listened to what he had to say. John turned his head to him and looked him into the eye.

‘I had you. You were great. You were sweet. You knew me, knew how to handle me, you were there for me and I was there for you. I got bored, I found Yoko and left you.’ John said a little softer. Paul smiled at him, sweetly.

‘You never really left me. And I never really left you. We were just stupid. Everyone has fights John. Everything has their calm, boring and dull faze. That’s how it works.’ Paul said. He didn’t really want to encourage John to stay with Yoko, but he also wanted him to be happy.

‘I’ll always be there for you, John. I always was there for you. Even when we were in that stupid fight. You could always have come to me. You always can.’ Paul said.

‘Thanks, Paulie.’ John said. He looked at him. It stayed quiet for some time.

‘Mind if I’m going to call you Macca again?’ John asked suddenly. Paul looked a little taken aback by that.

‘Oh, ehm… yeah, sure. Why err… why not.’ Paul said. John smiled and started to play again. He felt Paul’s hand still on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything. Hoping Paul wouldn’t take it back, but leave it there, on his shoulder, where he needed it the most now. John felt Paul gave him a little squeeze but didn’t take his hand away. John smiled to himself. He was so glad Paul was here with him, now.

            John and Paul were watching TV. They had lost track of time when they had played, so they were pretty hungry now. John and Paul had made some sandwiches and were now sitting on John’s cough watching telly and eating their sandwiches. Paul was eating very careful, afraid to spill something on John’s perfectly white cough. John on the other hand ate like he didn’t care much for the white cough.

‘So, John. What are we doing today?’ Paul asked. John didn’t look away from the telly. He shrugged.

‘Don’t know. I just thought we’d talk a walk in the park, play a little, eat out. What do you want to do?’ John asked. He was still watching the TV intensively. His glasses were slipping to the end of his nose again.

‘We could get you some new glasses, there almost falling off, you know.’ Paul said with a laugh. John quickly pushed his glasses back on his nose and to Paul it seemed his cheeks were getting a little red. It made Paul smile. Not many people have succeeded in making John blush. Many have tried. Many have failed. Paul was one of the few who could make him blush. Paul always felt a little proud when he did that to John. John took another bite of his sandwich.

‘It’ll be fine. I’ve got a spare pair. Just in case, you know. A pair of Buddy Holly glasses. The ones you always stole from me.’ John said. Paul grinned.

‘I know you’re grinning.’ John said, still not turning his head. Paul wondered how John had known that. He removed the grin and replaced it with a smile.

‘I still wonder how you do that.’ He said. Now John was grinning.

‘Years of practise, dear boy. Years of practise.’

‘Whatever, John.’ Paul replied. He laughed softly.

‘So, what do you want to do?’ John asked again. Now Paul shrugged.

‘I don’t really care. What you said sounds good. Oh, I do still have to get me bag out of the car. But that can wait.’ Paul said. John nodded. He stood up and turned to tv off. Paul raised an eyebrow. John turned towards him, finally.

‘Let’s get out of here, then. I could use some fresh air.’ He said. Then he cocked his head and walked to Paul. Paul followed John with his eyes, not saying anything.

‘You’ve got a little something, right here.’ John said. He scratched with his finger at the corner of his mouth. Paul looked away and tried to get it off his mouth. Paul felt John’s eyes studying his fingers. He heard John kneel and looked at him. He was now at the same height as Paul. He was smiling.

‘Come here, you git. I’ll do it.’ He said. He raised his hand and brought it to Paul’s mouth. Paul lowered his hand. John gently wiped the butter away with his finger. Paul felt a shiver running down his spine. He suppressed a moan. John ran his finger over Paul’s soft, sensitive lower lip before taking it back and standing up again. Paul’s gaze was fixed on him. John slowly moved his finger to his own mouth and licked the butter of his finger before taking his finger in his mouth and sucking at it lightly. Paul couldn’t look away, even if he wanted to. John let his finger slip out of his mouth, sexily. Paul blushed. John smiled at him and then turned around and walked away.

Paul sighed and ran a hand through his hair. John had absolutely no idea what he was doing to Paul. And if he did… Paul didn’t know what would happen. He ran his tongue over the soft lip, where John’s finger had been. It sent another shiver down his spine. He took his tongue back and swallowed hard.

‘You’re coming, Paul?’ John yelled from the hall. Paul cleared his throat, placed his plate on the table, stood up and followed John. 


	3. Chapter 3

John watched Paul as they were walking down the street. They were heading for the park. Paul hadn’t really spoken since the trick he had played on him. John knew Paul was confused. He had been himself. He still was, actually. It was just an impulsive action. He wasn’t sure if it had been just one of his ‘Lennon jokes’ as they called it when they still were The Beatles. Or that it had been a _move_. John removed his gaze of Paul and watched the people passing them. He ran a hand through his hair.

             John and Paul sat down the grass underneath a tree.

‘I missed you, ya know.’ Paul heard John suddenly say. Paul turned his head to look at him. John was playing with his fingers.

‘When we were fighting. I missed you. I know it looked like I didn’t, but I did.’ John continued. Paul wasn’t sure what to do. Should he even do something?

‘I feel stupid now, whenever I see you. Stupid because I was too fucking blind to see,  to realize I needed you.’ Paul looked at John’s fingers. He could see he was tense. Paul took John’s hands in his so that John would stop playing. John looked at him. His eyes were sparkling. He smiled at him.

‘Sean likes you, you know. He always askes when you’ll come around again.’ John said. Paul smiled back, being happy to hear that.

‘He says you’re his favourite Beatle. He likes you better than me at that point.’ John said with a chuckle. He looked down at the grass. Paul moved closer, letting John talk. He looked like he needed to talk. And Paul had always been there for John whenever he needed to  talk, ever since they were little.

‘He likes our music, you know. Sean, I mean. He’s actually turning into a Beatle fan himself now. I play the music much more too lately. For him.’ John said with a smile. Paul kept quiet. John’s smile disappeared.

‘Yoko doesn’t really like that.’ He said. Paul looked down at the grass too. He saw in the corner of his eyes that John turned his head to look at him.  Paul kept looking down. He was still holding John’s hands.

‘Not that I care. I just wish she would just let it go, sometimes you know.’ John said. Paul didn’t understand.

‘Sorry?’ He asked. John chuckled.

‘Sorry, I’m stupid. Let’s talk about something else.’ John said. He looked away again.

‘NO! I mean. I didn’t understand what you were saying.’ Paul said quickly, wanting John to know he was there for him. John shook his head.

‘It’s nothing. I… I just want her to except our friendship.’ John said.

‘Oh…’ Paul said. John looked up at him again.

‘I wish she was a little more mature at that point. Like you. Like this morning. She was well… mocking isn’t really the word I’d use, but… She was. Kinda. And you just didn’t respond to that. I really appreciate that, Paul.’ John said. Paul smiled.

‘Thanks, John. It means a lot to me to hear you say that.’ He said. Paul let his head rest on John’s shoulder. John didn’t push him away.

            Paul was happy John was really talking to him again. Not just about regular stuff,  but also about the problems he and Yoko were having. They were sitting at a table in a nice little restaurant John had picked out. John had just left when he heard he got a message from Yoko. Paul was now sitting alone at the table drinking his wine and waiting for John to come back. H looked around. There weren’t that many people staring at him. Probably because John came here regularly and they were used to seeing a former-Beatle here. Paul was glad he didn’t had to deal with people who he didn’t know, but somehow knew a lot about him. It was rather scary sometimes. Flattering sure, but scary.  

            Paul jumped up a little as he felt a hand on his arm. John had come back and was sitting opposite of him again. Paul wondered how he hadn’t noticed.

‘So, what was it?’ Paul asked. He took a sip of his wine.

‘Yoko’s away for the next couple of weeks. She wanted us to take a break from each other. To work things out.’ John said bluntly. Paul nearly spitted his wine out again.

‘She what?!’ He asked, not believing it. Suddenly all the eyes were on them. Paul ignored them and studied John instead. He looked like he hadn’t quite taking it in himself. He probably didn’t even notice the curious looks they were getting.

‘She left, Paul. She left me. She’s gone.’ John said. Paul could hear it had gotten through to John, and he didn’t take it well. He sounded broken. Paul took John’s hand and squeezed it.  

‘No, John. She didn’t leave you. It’s only for a couple of weeks. She’ll be back soon. I know she will. She loves you, John. She would never leave you. It’s just temperamentally. She’ll be back.’ Paul said. He didn’t want John to break down. He knew how hard John took these kind of things. He thought Yoko knew too and therefor decided not to tell John, yet. John looked up at Paul. His eyes were a little red and he looked like as if he was going to cry. Paul didn’t see that side of John often. No one did. It hurt Paul to see his best friend like this.

‘I’m here for you, Johnny. She’ll be back.’ Paul said with a sweet smile. John nodded and ran a hand through his hair, trying to calm down.

            The rest of diner didn’t go that well. John’s mood had dropped incredibly. When John asked If he wanted dessert Paul had refused and proposed to head back to John’s apartment. John had agreed. He had paid the bill and they left, heading home. John had called for a cab so they didn’t need to walk. In the car things didn’t seem any better. John just stared out of the window and didn’t say anything. Paul placed a hand on John’s thigh. John didn’t turn his head. Paul knew he was trying to hide the tears. Yoko had really meant the world to him. Another person who he loved had left him. Paul knew it wasn’t true. Yoko wouldn’t give up on John. Wouldn’t leave him. But John, being insecure, didn’t believe it.  Since he was young the people who he had cared most for, had left him. First his father, then his mother, then his mother again, then Stuart, then Brian, then Cynthia although he didn’t really admit it, then Paul and then The Beatles. Sure, Paul had come back, but neither of them had really thought that was going to happen. Paul had been naïve to think it was just one of John’s moods at first but later he decided it was over. Until they both had realized they were being stupid.

‘I won’t leave you again. I’ll never will.’ Paul suddenly said. He even surprized himself. John turned his head and smiled at him, a weak smile, but a genuine one.

‘I… me neither.’ John said, ‘Thanks.’ Paul smiled back at him. Somehow he managed to say what John wanted to hear. He hadn’t lost that particular skill just yet. They kept quiet for the rest of the drive home.

            John helped Paul get his bags into the apartment. Paul had brought a lot of stuff  with him. Three suitcases full, his acoustic guitar and his base guitar. They had put the guitars next to John’s and were now getting the bags upstairs, John carrying two. Paul was a little nervous. He had hoped he’d sleep with John again, when he heard Yoko had left, but now he wasn’t so sure anymore. He would just have to wait and see. John walked to the end of the hall and opened a door. Paul  followed him, heart pounding in his chest. When he walked into the room he sighed in relieve.

‘I don’t hope you’d mind to sleep with me again. Like we used to. Yoko won’t be sleeping here, so I… I thought err…’ John started. He ran a hand nervously through his hair. Paul quickly put the bags down.

‘No, I don’t. Of course  I don’t. I’d like to. I don’t like sleeping alone, anyway.’ He said with a smile. John smiled and put the bags down too.

‘Good. Good.’ He said. He looked at the suitcases. He laughed.

‘What do have in these, anyway. Looks as if you’re staying here for a month!’ John said. Paul blushed. John shook his head.

‘Come on, you git. Let’s head downstairs. I could use a drink.’ John said with a laugh. He swung Paul around and pushed him to the stairs, but careful so he wouldn’t push him down the stairs. Paul laughed too and quickly moved down into the kitchen, happy John was being his own happy, goofy self again.

John laid sprawled over the cough. His tie loosened, buttons of his shirt undone, hair ruffled, beer in his hand and the fingers of his other hand tangled into Paul’s hair, who was lying between his legs, back against John’s partly naked chest. Paul blazer was lying on the floor his tie next to it. His shirt was only partly unbuttoned. Paul was relaxing completely as John played with his hair. Music was playing on the back ground. Elvis. Paul had brought it with him in one of his too many suitcases. Both men were now drunk. They were laughing about every little thing.  John felt happy. He never wanted it to end. He never wanted Paul to leave him again. And by the dreamy smile on Paul’s face, he didn’t want that either. John smiled to himself as he buried his face in Paul’s thick almost black hair. John felt Paul sigh.

‘Do you remember, John?’ Paul asked, his voice sounded dreamy and low.

‘Remember what, Macca?’ John asked as he lifted his head. Paul turned so he was facing John. He placed his hands on John’s shoulders and laid on him. He tangled their legs together. John noticed Paul’s cheeks were a little red, although that might have been the alcohol. John loved getting drunk with Paul. It was so much more fun than with anyone else. John placed his hands on the small of Paul’s back, pulling him a little closer. Paul looked down at their touching bodies before looking up at John again. John was hypnotized by Paul’s big, hazel, puppy eyes. They had a spark in them. John had always loved that certain spark.

‘Do you remember…’ Paul paused. He looked John deep in the eyes. It made John shiver. He had almost forgotten how sexy Paul actually was. He was forty now and still gorgeous. He had his hair parted in the middle, though he still had hair covering his forehead. The hair just touched his still perfect eyebrows. Paul parted his lips. John could feel Paul’s warm breath against his face.

‘When I did this…’ Paul said seductively. He cocked his head and leaned in closer. John opened his mouth to say something, but Paul was quick and locked their lips together. He let his eyes fall shut. John dropped the bottle of beer. It broke into a million tiny, little pieces as it hit the ground. It took John some time to realize what was going on. Paul slowly let his lips move against John’s. John held Paul lightly, but didn’t kiss back. John could feel his hands shake. Paul’s bodyweight held him down.

Paul let one hand slide over John’s shoulder to his chest. He caressed John’s chest as he kissed him. He felt John shudder a little as he moved his middle finger over John’s nipple. Paul smiled and flicked his finger over it again. He could feel John suppress a moan. He took the nipple between his finger and gently pinched it. Now he got a moan. He could feel John buckled his hips up. He grinned slightly against John’s lips. He still had it. He still had him.

‘Hmm, John.’ Paul moaned. He opened his eyes a little and saw John’s eyes were closed too. His cheeks were flushed. He looked so sexy lying there beneath him again. Paul let his tongue slip out of his mouth onto John’s bottom lip. John’s grip on him increased and he was pulled against him. He had him…


	4. Chapter 4

John wasn’t sure what he was doing. His body was doing things. He had no control over it and right now he wasn’t sure if he wanted any control. He felt his body react to Paul’s kisses and caresses. He heard himself moan. He heard Paul saying his name. It sent blood down to his crotch. When he felt Paul move his hand to his inner thigh he got his control back. He sat up, causing Paul to fall back on his back on the cough. John quickly stood up. “Yoko” was the word that ran through his head.

            Paul looked up at John. His eyes were wide, his face pale, only his cheeks were red. He was breathing heavily. Paul looked down. John’s crotch had grown. Paul looked down at the floor. Neither of them said something. Paul couldn’t take it anymore. Someone had to say something.

‘John, I…’ He started but John got him off by walking out of the room. Paul sighed. He let his head fall back and he closed his eyes. Guilt came creeping in. He heard the front door close.

            John walked down the street. It was late, very late. If there weren’t any streetlights, the whole city would have been in complete darkness. John would have preferred that. But well, it was not that he had the option to put all the lights out. John felt his scars beginning to itch again. He was really getting annoyed with it.

‘Oh, what could one time of scratching do?’ John said to himself. He rubbed his chest through his shirt. John hoped Paul was doing okay. He hoped he wouldn’t leave after what had happened. John wasn’t angry at Paul. He wasn’t angry at himself, either. Nor at Yoko. He wasn’t angry at all. He was confused. He just needed some fresh air to think. He hoped Paul would understand. _Of course he would. He understands me better than anyone else._ John thought. He didn’t quite believe it himself. But he had no choice. He had to believe it, for a couple of minutes at least. He needed to think first.

He loved Paul. Truly. But he loved Yoko too. He was still married to her. She was his wife. The mother of his child. Paul had to understand he couldn’t cheat on her. John shook his head. Of course he couldn’t. He had been with Paul when he was still married to Cyn. Why would this be any different? _Because I grew up?_ John thought. It sounded good in his head. But Paul was good when it came to fighting. He was sure he could say something to make that sound stupid. John was certain. He slapped himself with his hand. Against his forehead. He could never win from Paul.

            When John came home, Paul wasn’t there. There was no note, saying where he was, either. Something Paul would normally do. Even now. John felt panic coming up. He searched the whole house. He stopped at his bedroom. The door was closed. John held his breath. _If Paul’s cases are here, he didn’t leave. Then he’ll come back._ John thought. He wrapped his hand around the doorknob and turned it. The room was completely dark except for the light that came from the window, leaving a silver gloom around the room. John sighed in relieve as he saw Paul lying on the bed.

‘Paul?’ he whispered, checking if he was sleeping, but careful not to wake him if he was. Paul didn’t answer. John walked in and quietly closed the door behind him. John walked over to the bed. There was enough space for him to lie next to Paul. John kneeled down next to the bed. Paul was facing him. He was sleeping peacefully. A hair was hanging over his eye. John pushed it away, behind Paul’s ear. He caressed Paul’s cheek and sighed.

‘You’re making this all very hard for me, luv.’ John whispered with a smile. He kissed Paul’s forehead gently and got up. He undressed and laid down beside him. Paul turned as he noticed John was lying in bed with him. He laid a hand over John’s chest, on one of his scars. John sighed and turned. He took Paul’s hand in his and closed his eyes. He felt Paul’s warm breath against the back of his neck. Paul fastened his grip on John and spooned against him. John couldn’t help but smile as he fall fast asleep in Paul’s warm and save arms.

            Paul woke up the next day due to something tickling at his nose. He wrinkled it, trying to make it go away so that he didn’t have open his eyes. It didn’t work. He opened his eyes. John was lying in his arms, still asleep. Paul didn’t remember falling asleep like that. He blinked a few time so his eyes could get used to the light. When Paul wanted to take his arm back from John’s chest, John groaned and pulled him back. Paul giggled softly to himself. Then he remembered what had happened. Paul felt guilty creeping inside him again. He wondered why John wasn’t sleeping somewhere else. It wasn’t like this was the only bed in the house. Paul replaced his arm in John hands with one of Sean’s toys he had seen lying on the floor. John grabbed it tightly immediately. Paul petted John’s hair, finding him adorable like this. He stretched himself and got up. He had to make it up to John.

            John awoke to the smell of pancakes. He opened his eyes and yawned. He looked next to him. Paul had been gone. John wondered what time it was. He looked around the room, wondering why in God’s name there wasn’t a bloody clock in sight. John got up and searched for his bathrobe. He couldn’t find it anywhere. He looked at Paul’s still closed and untouched bags.

‘Lazy git.’ John grinned to himself and got himself a clean one. He straightened his hair a bit and went downstairs.

He followed his nose and it let him to the kitchen. There he found Paul, in his bathrobe, baking pancakes. It smelled delicious.

‘Hmm, smells good.’ John said. He chuckled when Paul jumped a bit. Paul turned around.

‘Morning.’ John said with a smile. Paul shook his head.

‘You should’ve stayed in bed. I wanted to give you your breakfast in bed.’ Paul said. His voice sounded a bit sad. John laughed.

‘Oh, Paulie. I’m happy eating it here with you.’ He said. Paul smiled back.

‘Don’t I get a “good morning”?’ John asked.

‘Morning John.’ Paul said. He turned back to the stove.

‘That’s my boy. Now, why are you doing this. You’re my guest, remember?’ John asked. He sat down at the kitchen table. Paul shrugged.

‘I just wanted to make up with you. You know, for what happened yesterday.’ Paul said.

‘Oh.’ John replied. Paul turned the pancake by throwing it in the air.

‘You’re good at that.’ John said. Paul nodded.

‘Thanks. You taught me that.’ He replied.

‘I did, did I?’ John said I a cocky tone. Paul laughed.

‘Don’t get cocky now, Lennon.’ He said. He put the pancake on a plate and poured syrup over it.

‘But I thought you liked cocky.’ John said. Paul turned around and gave him a look.

‘JOHN! Stop it, just eat your bloody pancake, alright.’ Paul said. He gave John his pancake. John had a grin on his face.

‘Stop looking at me like that.’ Paul said. ‘With that grin on your face.’ John took a bite of his pancake. It tasted delicious, as always when Paul made them.

‘They’re delicious, Macca. Just like you.’ John said in a flirty way, making Paul blush.

‘Shut up and eat. I’ll have another one for you in a minute or two.’ Paul said. John grinned to himself. He was so glad, Paul wasn’t mad at him. But now that Paul had made his apologies, John knew that he had to too. He didn’t deserve Paul, he knew that for sure. John took another bite of his pancake.

            John was walking around the room as he heard Paul play on his piano. He played new songs, his own older songs, but also a few Beatles songs. It made John nervous. He had no idea what to say to him. No idea at all. He couldn’t just say: sorry I’ve pushed you away last night, I was shocked, but now I’m fine again and I miss you and want to have you right now on the piano. John actually liked the idea of taking Paul on his piano. He felt his jeans grow a little tight as he thought about it.

‘Dammit Lennon. You’re not seventeen anymore!’ John told himself. John suddenly heard no music coming from the other room.

‘John! Can you help me out here?’ John heard Paul shout. John took a deep breath.

‘Yeah, s… su…sure.. I’ll err… I’m coming.’ John said. His voice was cracking a bit. Paul appeared in the doorframe.

‘You okay?’ He asked. John nodded and walked over to him.

‘I’m fine. Just… I don’t know. I’m fine.’ John said. He walked over to the piano and sat down. He felt Paul’s eyes on him, watching his every move.

            ‘Want one?’ John asked as he lighted a cigarette for himself. Paul nodded. John took another one from his package and handed it to him.

‘Thanks.’ Paul said as John lit it for him.

‘Ta.’ John put his lighter back in his pocket and took a long drag from his cigarette. John noticed Paul watching him.

‘What?’ He asked.

‘I am sorry for yesterday, you know. I was drunk. I shouldn’t have done what I did.’ Paul apologized again. John sighed and turned towards him. Paul removed his ciggy from his lips and played with it in his hands as he looked down at it. John sighed.

‘Paul. You don’t have to be sorry. It happened. Nothing can be done about it now, anyway. And besides, I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I was confused. I mean, Yoko had just left, you started kissing me. I didn’t know how to react, so I walked away. Like I always do.’ John said. Paul looked at him. John looked stunning. His face was being lit by the sunlight coming in and his ciggy hang between his lips.

‘Thanks John. I didn’t mind. I’ve known you longer than today, you know.’ Paul said with a smile. John smiled back.

‘Yes, yes you do. I’m glad we’re back to normal again.’ John said. Paul placed a finger on John’s lips, to shush him.

‘Let’s not talk about that. Let’s just enjoy ourselves. It’s not really common for us to have so much time off together. Let’s enjoy it for once.’ Paul said. John nodded.

‘Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to order pizza. We’re going to have a bit of fun tonight.’ Paul said. John raised an eyebrow.

‘I’m not sure if I can give that responsibility to you, Macca. I’m the one who takes care of such kind of things, normally. I’m not sure if you can pull it off.’ John said.

‘I am, of course, the king of fun.’ John continued cocky. Paul took a drag of his cigarette and winked at him.

‘Oh, you’re in for a big surprize Mr Lennon.’ Paul said as he turned away and walked out of John’s home studio. John grinned to himself and took a drag too.

            It was already dark when the pizza finally came. Paul had closed all the curtains and made the room almost completely dark, apart from the television and a few dimmed lights. He had also lighted the candles in the room. On the table stood a big teapot with steaming tea, beer and coke. There also lay a package of cigarettes and a lighter. John had opened the door and paid for the two pizza’s they had ordered. John was now in the kitchen slicing them and putting them both on one plate each. He heard Paul whistle an old Beatles tune.

‘He, I remember that song.’ John said as he walked in with the pizza’s. Paul was already sitting on the cough. He smiled up at him. John put the pizza’s on the table and gave one slice to Paul.

‘Thanks.’ He said. John grabbed one for himself too and sat down next to Paul.

‘It’s “All My Loving”, John.’ Paul said. John took a bite from his pizza.

‘I know. I heard it as he was brought into the hospital when… well.’ John said.

‘Let’s not think about anything sad, okay. Let’s just enjoy the time together.’ Paul said with obviously a full mouth. He mumbled more than he was talking and nearly spitted out a few bits of pizza.

‘You’re disgusting. I agree, though. But, you know. When I heard this I thought: ‘I wouldn’t mind if I died now while hearing this song.’ John said. Paul didn’t know how to take that.

‘I meant it was a compliment. I like that song, Paul. I really do. It’s actually a very good song. It was the most amazing thing to hear at that moment.’ John said. Paul looked up at him. His eyes were starting to get a little red.

‘Thanks John. Can we stop talking about it now. Let’s not spoil this beautiful evening, okay?’ Paul said, his voice cracking a bit. John noticed and nodded.

‘Yeah, sorry. I just wanted you to know.’ He said. Paul laid a hand on his arm.

 ‘I know. I appreciate it, John. I really do. Let’s talk about it another time, yeah?’

‘Okay, whatever you want, Macca.’ John said. John noticed Paul was a little tense.

He took his hand in his own and squeezed it.

‘I’m sorry if I’ve spoiled it now.’ He said in a little voice. Paul chuckled.

‘No. No, you didn’t. Thanks John.’ He said. He came closer and wrapped his arms around John and hugged him. John hugged him back.

‘Touching is good. Especially when you need it the most.’ John said. Paul nodded.

‘It is.’ Was his respond. John placed a small kiss on the back of Paul’s head. He felt Paul smile in the crook of his neck. John let go of Paul.

‘So, what are we watching?’ He asked. Paul smiled at him and ignored his question.

‘What would you like to drink?’ He asked. John chuckled.

‘Coke. Coke’s fine.’ He answered. Paul nodded and poured them both a big glass of coke. He handed one to John.

‘Thank you. Now, what are we watching.’ He said. He took a sip.

‘George told me about this once. I don’t really remember when. It’s a sketch show. Monty Python’s flying circus. It’s on now. They have a marathon. I’ve never watched it, but George loves it. So , I thought; why not give it a go.’ Paul said. John shook his head. He sat back and relaxed.

‘Didn’t ever think our Georgie would tell us what to do.’ He joked. Paul laughed and turned up the volume. Soon the opening titles started. 


	5. Chapter 5

The pizza was completely finished, the left over tea had gone cold and the bottles of coke were nearly finished. They didn’t drink that much wine. Only half a bottle. It was already late. John had fallen asleep. His glasses were still on his nose, but only just. He laid against Paul, his head resting on his chest. His chest was moving up and down in a calm, steady rhythm. His cheeks were a little red. Paul played with his hair as he watched the show. He actually liked it. He never expected it to love it this much. John had fallen asleep about one and a half hour ago. They should go to bed. Paul sighed and gently moved John a bit, trying to wake him carefully. John groaned and wiggled around, his arm now hugging Paul’s hip. Paul giggled silently to himself and shook John a little. John slowly opened his eyes.

‘Please, don’t tell me it’s morning already?’ He asked with a yawn. Paul moved a few hairs away from his face. John smiled up at him as he still laid on Paul’s chest.

‘It’s not. You’ve fallen asleep. Let’s go to bed, yeah?’ Paul asked. John groaned and turned, making him comfortable with his head on Paul’s lap.

‘I don’t want to move. I want to sleep here. Let’s sleep here.’ John said. He sounded tired and cute. Like a child who didn’t want to go to bed but nearly falls asleep. Paul lifted John’s head with his hands.

‘No, we can’t. There’s not enough room. Let’s go upstairs, okay?’ Paul said. He helped John to sit up. John gave Paul a cranky look. Paul ruffled his hair.

‘Oh, come on you cranky git. I want to sleep too, you know.’ He said. John nodded but didn’t move. Paul got up and offered John his hand. John took it and Paul helped him up. John hung himself around Paul’s neck, not wanting to move.

‘John, the more you move, the faster we’re asleep in a warm, comfortable bed.’ Paul said. He didn’t have to say that twice. John immediately let go of Paul and ran upstairs. Paul chuckled and followed John to the bedroom.

            John was already lying in bed when Paul walked in. He didn’t know how John had undressed that quickly. Paul snickered and closed the door behind him. John took his glasses of and put them on the night stand. He watched Paul as he undressed.

‘John, I know you can’t see shit without your glasses, but you don’t have to stare.’ Paul said chuckling as he noticed John was looking at him.

‘Ah, come on Paul. It’s not like I’ve never seen you naked before. Just hurry up and get into bed. I can’t sleep with the lights on.’ John said. He looked away from Paul and played with his fingers. Paul was blushing a little at John’s comment. He quickly stepped out of his trousers, turned the lights off and laid down next to John. Paul waited till he was certain John was asleep. He gently laid his head down on John’s chest and threw an arm around John’s waist. He held him tight. After five minutes John’s arm wrapped itself over Paul’s body too. Paul sighed and listened to John’s calm heartbeat till he fell asleep.

            Paul awoke that night as he felt John’s breath against his neck. Paul opened his eyes. He only saw  a couple of John’s hair. He felt John holding him, one hand on his hip, the other on the back of his neck. Their legs were tangled together. John was practically lying on top of him.

‘John, what…’ Paul started. He felt something wet run over the crook of his neck. He felt a tingle go down to his crotch. John removed his head from Paul’s neck. He looked at Paul. John’s glasses were off. Paul could look straight into John’s eyes. Their eyes locked. John’s cheeks were flushed. His pupils were big and his lips were slightly parted. Paul couldn’t move or say anything. He was transfixed on John’s beautiful dark brown eyes. John moved the hand from the back of Paul’s neck to Paul’s lips. He stroked Paul’s bottom lip with his thumb, while caressing Paul’s cheek with the fingertips of the others. Paul shuddered. It had been so long. So fucking long. Too long. Paul’s cheeks turned red immediately. John smiled down at him. He moved his hand up and down Paul’s bare hip. John broke there gaze by looking down at Paul’s lips. Paul swallowed thickly and parted them slightly.

‘John, I…’ Paul started again. This time John broke him off. He lowered his head back on Paul’s neck and let his lips brush against Paul’s skin, not yet kissing him. Paul shuddered again. He closed his eyes and tilled his head so John had more room.

‘Oh John…’ he moaned. He felt John grin in his neck. John took Paul’s salty sensitive skin between his teeth and nibbled at it gently, careful not to hurt him. Paul grabbed John’s shoulder and pulled him down on him. John kissed the spot he’d nibbled at when he let go of him.

John let his tongue run over the skin, tasting Paul once again. This set the alarm bells inside Paul’s head off. He pushed John away. John looked confused. Paul pushed him off him and sat up.

‘No, John. We can’t do this. You’re married, I’m married. We’ve got kids.’ Paul said. John shrugged and smiled at him. He placed his hands on both sides of Paul hips and leaned on them, hovering over Paul. Paul looked at him. He didn’t push him away.

‘So, as far as I remembered I was married and had a kid when we were together last time, or am I wrong?’ John said. Paul shook his head.

‘But now I’m too. We’re adults now, we can’t do this anymore.’ Paul said. John sat up.

‘You were the one who started this all. You were kissing me, remember!’ John said a little annoyed. Paul knew he had made a point. He had been the one who had pinned John down on the cough in the first place.

‘But John… I was drunk. I didn’t think straight. I already told you I was sorry.’ Paul tried. He knew John wouldn’t just leave it at that, but it was worth a shot.

‘Oh, don’t blame the alcohol, Paul. We both know that wasn’t the only thing. You’re still craving for me cock and we both know it!’ John said. He pushed Paul down on the bed and pinned him down on the bed, hands above Paul’s head. Paul didn’t struggle. John sat down on Paul’s waist, keeping him from moving away. His face was just inches away from Paul’s. Paul kept quiet. He didn’t know what to say. John was right. He still was. After all those years, he still was. He wondered if he would ever not.

‘Did you ever tell her, Paul?’ John asked, his grip on Paul’s wrists had reduced. Paul looked away. John took both of Paul’s wrists in one hand. With the other he turned Paul’s face to meet his. He held Paul’s gaze.

‘Have you ever told Linda about us?’ John asked again. Paul wanted to look away but couldn’t.

‘No…’ He answered softly. John let go of Paul’s face and held Paul’s wrists again.

‘Why Paul? Why didn’t you tell her?’ John asked. Paul looked away again. John let him this time. John moved his head lower, right next to Paul’s ear.

‘Why didn’t you tell her how her beloved husband had a sexual relationship with his best mate and song writing partner. Why didn’t you tell what we _really_ did whenever we were writing?’ he whispered in Paul’s ear. Paul turned his head.

‘I… I didn’t… I didn’t think it was necessary.’ He answered. His voice was cracking. He hated it when John was playing these kind of games with him. John kissed him softly just below his ear. An idea shot through his head.

‘I bet you didn’t tell Yoko either.’ Paul said. His voice a little stronger. Not much, but a little. He heard John laugh in his ear.

‘No, I did not. But I did tell her I had been experimenting. I told her almost everything. Only not that it was you.’ John said. ‘She didn’t mind, though. She loved it that I had done that, that I was that open minded about love. She sure gave me a wonderful time that night. Maybe the best I’d ever had…’ Paul felt a rush of jealousy going through his body. He was doing fine without thinking about John and Yoko heaving a sexual relationship too. He knew, John knew that he had hit a nerve. But he just didn’t care. He tangled his legs with John’s, he turned his head towards him and kissed him. His eyes fell shut, he pulled John closer using his legs. He heard John moan and felt him kiss back.

John slowly let go of Paul’s wrists. He moved his hands and took Paul’s jaw in his hand, pulling him closer. Paul obliged. Paul held John by his shoulders and pushed him with his back on the bed. He laid down on top him. John’s hand wondered over Paul’s naked back, drawing circles on it. His other hand he tangled into Paul’s hair. He pulled at it lightly every now and then. Paul let his hands wonder over John’s warm, smooth chest. He ran his fingers over John’s slim hips, giving him goose bumps. John let his hand rest on the small of Paul’s back, pushing him down on his body. Their growing, covered erections touched. Paul groaned. John pulled at his hair. Paul moved his fingers over John’s belly to his chest, to his nipples. He caressed them, making them stand erect.

‘Hmm, Paul…’ John moaned against Paul’s lips. Paul opened them and licked at John’s bottom lip. He felt John smile against his lips. John kept his mouth closed, which annoyed Paul. He had always been John’s best. And he’ll always will. Paul became desperate and poked his tongue between John’s lips as he pinched his nipple. John moaned but didn’t open his mouth just yet. Paul’s tongue moved between John’s lips, licking at his teeth. He rolled with his hips over John’s. John pulled at his hair, making Paul groan in pain as well as in pleasure, and opened his mouth. Paul’s tongue immediately slipped in. He explored John’s mouth. John moved his tongue with Paul’s. Paul rolled with his hips again. John’s mouth opened wider. Paul pushed his tongue down John’s throat.

‘Ohh… oh Paulie.’ John moaned. Paul took his tongue back and broke this kiss. He licked John’s lips before he completely moved away. John slowly opened his eyes. The hand that had been in Paul’s hair shot to his ass. He squeezed it. Paul’s breath quickened even more. John quickly rolled them over, so he was on top. Paul giggled. John kissed Paul’s lips and moved his kisses to Paul’s neck. He licked, kissed, nibbled and sucked at Paul’s salty skin. Paul moaned and pulled John’s head more in the crook of his neck, as he pushed his hips up to meet John’s. John moved the hand on Paul’s ass to his thighs and caressed them. Then he slowly started moving his hand to his inner thighs. Paul grabbed John’s hair tightly as John’s fingers briefly brushed against his covered erection. He felt John giggle in his neck. It was tickling him.

‘John, your tickling me!’ Paul laughed. John sucked at his neck, making him moan.

‘I don’t care.’ John answered, his voice husky and low. It made Paul shudder. John moved his hand over Paul’s erection, cupping it through his boxers. Paul bit down at John’s shoulder. John groaned and moved his hand further up, to the waistband. John dragged Paul’s boxers down. Soon Paul’s underwear lay beside the bed on the floor. John took Paul’s member is his hand and started to stroke him as he moved his kisses lower, to his nipples. Paul arched his back as John took his nipple between his teeth. John sucked and nibbled on it, while stroking Paul’s hard on. Paul played with John’s hair, encouraging him to go further. John obliged and moved down till he was at the same height as Paul’s cock. John slowly, teasingly, licked the tip. Paul groaned from deep in his throat and pushed John’s head down on his erection. John gagged, but tried to take him all in.

‘Sorry…’ Paul moaned.  John, not being able to speak, hummed around Paul’s cock as he bobbed his head up and down the shaft, licking the tip teasingly. Paul pushed his hips up a bit and started to fuck John’s warm, wet mouth.

‘Ah! Fuck… John!’ Paul groaned. John grabbed Paul’s thighs and pushed them further aside. He felt his own erection was throbbing in his boxers. He slowly pulled his boxers down as he continued sucking Paul. When his boxers were laying on the floor with Paul’s , Paul was shaking. John knew he was close. He licked the tip and sucked on it, before deep throating him. Paul grabbed John’s hair and pulled hard as he came in his mouth. John gagged a little but swallowed all of it. He smiled up at Paul and moved up so he was fact to face with Paul. Paul wrapped his arms around John’s neck and pulled him down. He kissed him passionately, tasting himself in John’s mouth. As Paul felt John relax more he flipped him on his back. He immediately shot down to John’s crotch. John watched him as he took John into his mouth.

‘Fuck… Paulie!’ John moaned. He threw his head back. Paul sucked John and let his skilled tongue run over the base and tip as he bobbed up and down on John’s cock. John tangled his fingers in Paul’s hair and pulled lightly, knowing Paul likes that. John was completely hard and knew he wasn’t going to last any longer if Paul continued doing that. John stopped him. Paul looked confused up at him. John smiled at him.

‘You’re still fucking unbelievably sexy and extremely good when you do that.’ John said as to compliment him. Paul moved his head up and kissed John on his lips. John grabbed Paul’s bum and gave it a squeeze. Paul moaned into his mouth. John broke the kiss and stroked Paul’s cheek with his other hand.

‘Can I, Paulie?’ He asked. Paul groaned and kissed him hard again.

‘Fuck yes!’ Paul said. He flipped on his back and gave John another kiss as John climbed on him. John pushed Pauls knees up. He looked around.

‘Hand me the lube, top drawer.’ He said to Paul. Paul nodded and reached for the lube he handed it to John. John poured some on his fingers and spread Paul’s ass cheeks. He gently pushed a finger into Paul. Paul tensed a little and groaned. John stopped, waiting for Paul to relax again.

‘You okay?’ He asked. Paul nodded.

‘Yeah, I’m fine. Just, push it in, will ya.’ Paul said. John nodded and carefully pushed his finger further into Paul. Paul still groaned but didn’t tense that much. John slowly started to finger Paul, searching for his sweet spot.

‘Ahh! Fuck! Oh god, john! That’s it oh god!’ Paul suddenly moaned loudly. John had found it. He pushed down at Paul’s prostate again, making Paul’s twitch. John added another finger and then another one. Paul began to sweat. John licked his inner thigh.

‘John, please. OH fuck! Please I need you, I need you now.’ Paul nearly begged. John pulled out and lubed himself up. He positioned himself behind Paul. He pushed Paul’s legs up, so he could enter easily. John slowly pushed in.

‘OH! Fuck yeah! John! Oh god.’ Paul moaned. When John was completely in he held still for a couple of seconds, letting Paul get used to the feeling.

‘John, please move!’ Paul told him. John slowly started to trust. Paul groaned and moaned with every trust. John lowered his head and kissed Paul, with tongues and all. Paul began to rock his hips with John’s. John’s movements became shakier.

‘Fuck Paul! Oh god, feels so good! AH fuck, I’m going to. I’m close. Ah fuck!’ John moaned. He looked down at Paul. He was biting his lips and wanking furiously.

‘Ah me too. Fuck John. Come inside me! Ah fuck.’ Paul moaned. John grabbed Paul’s hips and pushed into him for the last time with enormous force, making Paul almost bang his head against the wall. John came hard inside Paul and Paul came right after that between them. John collapsed on top of Paul, letting his cock slip out. They laid together, John in Paul’s arms till they had their breaths back. John moved his hand up and caressed Paul’s fine features in his face. John kissed his nose. Paul closed his eyes. He felt he had become very tired. John rolled of him and laid down next to him. He pulled the covers up to cover them both. Paul laid his head on John’s chest. John caressed Paul’s arm and hair. He gave him a little kiss on his head.

‘Paul, I was wrong. You’re still the best I’ve ever had.’ John said. Paul looked up at him, he looked tired.

‘Really, John?’ Paul asked. He had a twinkle in his eyes. John kissed his nose.

‘Absolutely, for ever my best.’ John said. Paul smiled and closed his eyes. John wrapped his arms around Paul. Paul yawned and moved a little so he was lying comfortable in John’s arms.

‘I love you, Paul.’ John said. That was the last thing Paul heard before he fell asleep. He couldn’t even answer him anymore. He was too tired. John kissed Paul’s closed eyes and soon fell asleep too. 


	6. Chapter 6

John woke up with Paul in his arms. Paul’s hair was tickling his nose. His scars were itching once again. He wanted to scratch so badly, but Paul was lying on his chest, over the scars. John didn’t want to wake him up. He moved a little under Paul, causing friction between their bodies. Paul wiggled and groaned a little. John immediately stopped moving. He sighed and brought his hand up to play with Paul’s hair. He thought about last night. Was it wrong of him to say those things in order to sleep with him? John started to feel a little guilty. He looked down at Paul. He was sleeping peacefully, head on his chest. He stroked Paul’s cheek. Paul leaned a bit into the touch, not knowing it wasn’t a dream. John smiled. Why did he still have those feelings for him. It had been so long ago. He was doing fine without him. And now…

John closed his eyes and listened to Paul’s steady breathing. After some time his breathing changed. He was waking up. John kept his eyes closed as he felt Paul moving in the waking up process. John felt that Paul lifted his head from his chest.

‘John?’ Paul softly asked, checking if he was awake.

‘Hmm.’ John replied, letting him know he was awake. The next thing he felt were Paul’s soft lips on his own. It was only briefly, but it made his lips tinkle. John opened his eyes. He looked directly in Paul’s big, hazel, puppy eyes. Paul was smiling at him. John smiled back at him.

‘Morning, Macca.’ He said. Paul kissed him again.

‘Morning, Johnny.’ He replied. He let his chin rest on John’s chest. He yawned.

‘You’re not mad, are you?’ John asked after some time. Paul raised his eyebrow.

‘Why would I?’ He asked. John raked his fingers through Paul’s hair. He could swear he heard Paul purr.

‘Because of last night. Of what I did.’ John said. He spoke softly. Paul shook his head.

‘No. I was for a second when I woke up. But when I saw you lying here, your arms wrapped around me, holding me like you used to, not anymore.’ He answered with a cute smile. He leaned up a bit. John moved his head towards Paul so he could kiss him. John smiled as they broke apart.

‘Good. I didn’t want to force you. I just…  I realized how much you still mean to me and I… I just had to, you know.’ John tried to explain. Paul nodded.

‘I know. I’ve known you longer than most people, John. I know everything about you. Don’t you ever forget that.’ He said. John nodded.

‘I won’t. Not anymore.’ He replied. Paul smiled and sat up. He whined.

‘What’s wrong?’ John asked. Paul moved his bum up a little, leaning with his hand on John’s shoulder to keep his balance.

‘I’m fine. Just a little sore down there.’ Paul said. John laughed.

‘Come on, Paul. It’s not like we’ve never done it before.’ He said. Paul gave him a look, but soon he shut his eyes as he accidently fell on his bum again. John laughed.

‘It had been a long time, okay! I’m not used to it any more. Ah fuck… That hurts.’ Paul said. John sat up and gave him a little kiss.

‘Does daddy have to kiss it all better, then?’ He asked suggestively with a naughty wink. Paul blushed and pushed him playfully.

‘You’re still a dirty git, John.’ He said. John grinned at him.

‘You take it out of me.’ He said. Paul pushed him back on the bed. He stood up and put on John’s bathrobe.

‘Why are you still wearing mine. Just get your own.’ John said. Paul sniffed at John’s bathrobe. John watched him with a smile.

‘Because it smells of you. I like that. Then I have you with me whenever I’m wearing this.’ Paul said in a dreamy voice.

‘And you’re still hopelessly romantic, aren’t you?’ John chuckled. Paul walked over to him and licked John’s lips.

‘Maybe you should kiss it better. But after breakfast. I’m rather peckish.’ Paul said. John grinned.

‘I have too something you can eat, you know.’ He said. Paul laughed.

‘I’ll have that as dessert, okay.’ He said, ‘Come on, I want waffles.’ John laughed and shook his head.

‘Whatever you want, Macca. But you can make them yourself.’ He said.

            ‘Here.’ John said as he handed Paul a cushion. Paul took it from him.

‘Thanks. Be a little more careful next time okay. It had been a long time ago.’ He said. He put the cushion on his chair and sat down. John sat down opposite of him.

‘You should just have said something. It’s not my fault you’ve such a delicate body.’ He said. He took a bite from his waffle that Paul had made for him.

‘Shut it, Lennon. Or you won’t be getting any tonight.’ Paul said with a chuckle.

‘By the sounds you’re making when you move, I hardly think I’ll get any, anyway. You sure you’re okay?’ John asked. He really was a little worried. They had always been careful, using a condom and lube, John pushing in slowly, but last night they had been a little less careful with the pushing. Paul nodded and took a bite himself.

‘Yeah, just a little sore. I’ll be fine tonight. Nothing to worry about. It’s like the second time, you know. You’re sore, but it’s not that bad as the first time.’ Paul explained. John nodded. Paul had taken him a few times too, so John knew how he felt, but somehow they always ended up with John on top. John guessed Paul just liked being the bottom, though he wouldn’t admit it. He himself wasn’t a really submissive type anyway. That was Paul more. So maybe it just had to be like that. Paul bottom, John top. It had always worked. Just a few occasions when they changed roles.

‘Okay. If you need anything just ask.’ John said. Paul nodded and took the newspaper and began to read it. John just watched him. He looked at the date on the cover of the paper. It then hit him.

‘Oh Paul. Julian is coming, tomorrow. He called about to days before you arrived, asking if he could visit. I told it was okay.’ John said. Paul looked up.

‘Yeah, great. It has been a long time since I last saw him. He’s twenty now, right?’ Paul said. John nodded and took a sip from his tea.

‘Tell me, is he the same dirty boy as you were at that age.’ Paul asked, wiggling his eyebrows, ‘Living the rock ‘n roll lifestyle, is he?’ John laughed.

‘I hope not! I don’t want him to get a child in two years. He’s doing great with the music you know. I think he has my talent. He’s good.’ John answered. Paul nodded.

‘You play together sometimes?’ He asked. John nodded.

‘Yeah, when he’s here we always play a little. I learn him a few new things or he helps me with a few accords. It’s fun, really.’ John said. Paul smiled.

‘I’m glad you’re happy now, John. It sounds wonderful.’ He said. John took Paul’s hand in his.

‘What do you mean, Paul?’ John asked, hearing a sad tone in Paul’s voice. Paul shrugged. He of course knew what he had meant by it. Paul knew it wasn’t going to last. That John was going to break his heart again. He knew it. He was certain John knew it too, although he wouldn’t admit it. Paul knew that when Yoko would come back, John would leave him for her, again. Paul hated to think about it, but the thought wouldn’t go away. He just couldn’t forget how much John had hurt him twelve years ago. Paul felt John’s lips on his cheek. Paul turned his head towards him.

‘I know what you mean, Paul. And to be honest, I don’t know.’ John said with a sigh.

‘Don’t know what?’ Paul asked.

‘If I’m going to stay with Yoko or you. When she comes back, I have to decide. But, I don’t think I can, Paul. Everything is so complicated lately.’ John said. He took his head in his hands. Paul looked at John. John looked out of the window.

‘She’d understand, though.’ John said suddenly. Paul scoffed.

‘You really believe that, John?’ He asked. John looked him into his eyes. Paul immediately felt guilty for that remark. John still loved her a lot and she was his wife.

‘I said she’d understand. Not that she’d be happy about it.’ John said coldly. He took another bite of his waffle. Paul nodded.

‘Right, sorry.’ Paul said. John sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

‘Let’s just enjoy our time together, okay. Let’s not think about what comes after. Just enjoy it. Maybe then  I can make a good decision.’ He said with a sigh.

‘Okay John. Let’s do that. Let’s have fun. Like old times.’ Paul agreed. John smiled at him, thankfully for that he didn’t have to think about it for another few days.

            When Paul returned from the shop, they had run out of tea, cookies and toilet paper and a few other things, John was cleaning the apartment. All of John and Yoko’s pictures were gone, only those of him and Paul, him and Julian, and him and Sean were still there. Paul now noticed also a few photos from the old Beatles-days. John turned around to him as he heard him enter.

‘John? What’s this all?’ Paul asked with a smile on his face. He couldn’t believe what John had done. John put the last photo down and walked over to Paul.

‘You like it? I thought it might help me to forget about Yoko for a few days. Just you and me, I thought. So, what do you think?’ John said with a proud voice. He wrapped his arms around Paul from behind.

‘I… I think it’s amazing. John, I can’t believe you did that! She means so much to you.’ Paul said. John gave him a little kiss on his neck. Paul giggled.

‘I think it might be good for me, you know. A little distance. We were having fights all the time anyway. I might enjoy some JohnPaul time.’ John said with a giggle as he rocked Paul from the left to the right and back again. Paul turned towards John and placed his hands on his shoulders.

‘I like that idea.’ He said as he looked sexily into John’s eyes. John cupped Paul’s ass with one hand. Paul tried hard not to whine.

‘How about we start that now, eh?’ He said suggestively. Paul giggled and let his head rest on John’s shoulder.

‘Not now, John. It still hurts a little.’ Paul nearly whispered. John kissed Paul’s ear.

‘But if we do it later, the pain will come back. Then you have to wait again.’ John replied. Paul laughed softly and nuzzled his face in the crook of John’s neck.

‘But it’ll hurt more if we do it now. Tonight okay?’ Paul said. He felt John nod.

‘Okay. What do you want to do then?’ John asked, still holding onto Paul. Paul shrugged.

‘Don’t know. Can we just lay on the cough and watch  a film or something?’ Paul asked. John nodded again.

‘Yeah sure. Why not? You pick a movie okay. I’ll get us some popcorn and something to drink. Just pick anything you like. I don’t mind.’ He said. Paul kissed John’s cheek before letting go of him.

‘Okay, hurry up, will ya?’ Paul said before running to the television and turning at on.

John smiled at the sight. Paul looked absolutely adorable on his knees in front of the television going through all the chancels. Like a little child, with a big smile on his face. John turned around and walked to the kitchen grabbing them something to eat.

            John had once again fallen asleep. His head rested on Paul’s lap. Paul mindlessly played with John’s hair as he watched the telly. The third film had already ended, but he didn’t want to awake John. He looked so peacefully when he was asleep. Paul didn’t want to interrupted that peace, so he was bound to the cough.

The phone rang. Paul looked at the clock. It was twelve o’clock. He wondered who it was. If someone would call at this hour it must be important, Paul thought. Paul looked down at John, who was fast asleep. Paul gently lifted his head and got up. He placed a pillow underneath John’s head. John gripped Paul’s hand in his sleep and hugged it. Paul chuckled and tried to escape from John’s grip. Paul was just on time to answer the phone.

‘Hello, John Lennon’s house. McCartney speaking.’ He said. It was quiet on the other side of the line for a long time.

‘Hello? Anyone there?’ He asked. He started playing the telephone wire.

‘Err… Hi Paul? It’s me, Linda.’ Paul heard from the other side of the line. Paul nearly dropped the phone.

            ‘Linda? Hi, err… How are thing going there?’ Paul asked. He leaned against the wall as he continued to play with the wire.

‘Well, That’s why I call you. I know you said you wanted some time alone with John. To work things out and what not. But I thought you would like to know this.’ Linda said. Paul wasn’t sure what to think about that.

‘What is it, Linda. You’re scaring me a little here.’ Paul replied. He heard his wife sigh.

‘It’s Stella, Paul. It’s nothing serious, but I thought you probably wanted to know.’

‘What?! What is it? Linda, what happened?’ Paul asked quite loudly. In his head the worst possible ideas about what had happened went by.

‘It’s nothing, Paul. She broke her arm. That’s all. I just wanted you to know. We’re in the hospital now. I thought I’d call you. It’s really nothing to worry about.’ Linda said. Paul knew she was probably right. But he wanted to be there. It was his daughter!

‘I’m coming back. And please don’t try to talk me out of it. I’m coming. I don’t care.’ Paul said determined.

‘Paul you really don’t have to…’ Linda started. Paul knew she knew how much this trip to John meant to him and didn’t want to take it away from him. But Paul really couldn’t care less at this point. He’d come back to John another time. His children are more important. John had to understand that.

‘No Linda, I really don’t mind. I’m coming.’ Paul said.

‘Okay, thanks Paul. Stella would really like it if you were here.’ Linda said. Paul smiled.

‘I’ll be there as soon as possible.’ Paul replied.

‘I see you soon. I love you!’ He said.

‘I love you too, Paul. I’m really sorry.’ Linda said. Paul shook his head.

‘No, don’t be. Things like these happen, don’t they. Bye Lin. I’ll call you when I’ve arrived, okay?’

‘Okay. I’ll wait for your call. I’ll come to pick you up. I love you.’ Linda said.

‘I love you, too. Bye Lin.’ Paul said before hanging up. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

            ‘Something wrong?’ Paul heard John ask. Paul slowly opened his eyes. John was standing in the doorway, hair ruffled up, clothes messy, smile on his face. In one word, sexy. Paul sighed. He didn’t want to leave, again. He wanted to go home to Linda and the kids, but  he did not want to leave John. Not now.

‘Yes, Stella broke her arm. She’s in the hospital.’ Paul said. John smile immediately disappeared. Paul sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

‘I’m sorry to hear that, Paul. She’s a lovely girl. How did it happen?’ John asked as he walked in and sat down on the table. He motioned Paul to do the same. He did.

‘I don’t know. I forgot to ask.’ Paul said, ‘You do know I have to go now?’ John nodded. Paul was surprised at how easily John took his decision to leave.

‘I know. I totally understand. She’s your child. I’m not stupid. I know how it is to have a kid.’ John said with a smile. Paul knew John meant well, but it also made him feel kind of sad to know John didn’t feel bad about him leaving. Didn’t this all mean anything to him? Was everything he’d done just to get him into bed, and when he left just forget about him and move on? Paul stood up and walked away.

‘Paul? Where are you going?’ John asked.

‘Packing.’ Paul said. John stood up too and followed him.

‘Wait for me. I’ll help you.’ John said. That made Paul even madder at John.

            When John entered the room, Paul was bending over his suitcase. He hugged Paul from behind. Paul pushed him away and continued packing.

‘I’m sorry, did I something wrong?’ John asked. Paul scoffed and turned around.

‘Don’t I mean anything to you?! Are you just going to stand there, watching me leave while you don’t even care?! Was this all an bloody act to get me into bed with you?!’ Paul nearly screamed. John was a bit taken aback. He didn’t answer.

‘I can’t believe you, Lennon! You stupid, heartless git! No wonder why everybody leaves you! YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE APART FROM YOURSELF!’ Paul screamed, tears were running down his face. John tried to wrap his arms around him. Paul pushed him away.

‘NO! Just leave me! I don’t want to have anything to do with you! I should’ve listened when everybody told me, you were no good! I should never have gone to that bloody fete!’ Paul shouted. John didn’t know what to say. Paul had clearly misunderstood him. John sighed and sat down on the bed.

‘I knew it! You don’t even care! I fucking hate you, John WINSTON Lennon!’ Paul yelled. John looked up at Paul.

‘Paul, just relax a little. You’re only drawing the wrong conclusions.’ John said.

‘NO! I WON’T! I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE! I’M LEAVING AND YOU CAN SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR LITTLE SEXTOY!’ Paul screamed. John stood up and grabbed Paul by his collar and threw him on the bed. He raised his hand and slapped him hard on his face. Paul’s cheek turned red.

‘NOW YOU’LL LISTEN TO ME! I’M NOT SAD YOU’RE LEAVING, BECAUSE I WAS PLANNING ON COMING WITH YOU! BUT YOU DIDN’T EVEN LISTEN! WHO IS SELFISH NOW, PAUL!’ John yelled back. He saw the terror in Paul’s eyes. Paul knew what he could do when he was pissed off, really pissed off. He took a deep breath and tried to relax. He sat down on the bed, next to Paul. He sighed.

‘I’m sorry if I sent the wrong signals. I just wanted to be there for you. I wanted you to know that I have changed and I’ll be there whenever you need me.’ John said softly. He looked down at the ground. Paul watched John. John didn’t say anything more. Paul relaxed a little and moved over to John. He wrapped his arms around him.

‘I’m sorry John.  I should just have listened to you. I was just a bit edgy after I heard Stella is lying in the hospital. I’m sorry I yelled at you.’ Paul apologized. John turned his head and smiled. Paul smiled back.

‘I’d be happy if you’d come with me.’ Paul said.

‘I do care about you, you know. And your family. And I do really mean all this, Paul. It’s not just a stupid trick.’ John said. Paul gave John a kiss on his cheek.

‘I know. I was just talking rubbish.’ Paul replied.

‘I’m sorry I hit you.’ John said. He held Paul’s arms and let his head rest against Paul.

‘No, don’t be. I was wrong. I’m glad you hit me.’ Paul said. John chuckled.

‘I truly don’t understand how you put up with me.’ He said. Paul shrugged.

‘Me neither… I’m sorry for what I had said. About everybody leaving you. I didn’t mean it.’ Paul said in a small voice.

‘Don’t be. You were mad. You always say stupid thing when you’re mad.’ John said. Paul noticed the crack in his voice as he said it.

‘No, that’s no excuse. I know how you feel about that. I shouldn’t have. Never. Not even then. I’m truly sorry.’ Paul said, he gave John a kiss on his head.

‘Thanks, Paulie.’ John said. He turned his head and kissed Paul lovingly on his lips.

‘Now, let’s pack. Maybe we’ll be able to get a flight tonight.’ John said. Paul nodded. John stood up, but Paul didn’t let go, so he was hanging at John’s back.

‘Fuck, Macca. You’re too heavy for that now! Get off!’ John laughed. Paul as he was told.


	7. Chapter 7

At this point John was glad they had been lazy and had still not unpacked Paul’s bags. He was ready to go. Only John’s bags had to be packed. Paul helped John by throwing stuff into a suitcase that he thought John needed. John looked through his clothes. He wanted to look good, for Paul’s family. Just because it was Paul’s family. It nearly scared John as he thought about how much effort he was putting into this relationship kind of thing. He wasn’t sure if you could call it a relationship yet.

            John turned in shock as he heard something tumble down the stairs, followed by loud thud.

‘Paul?’ John shouted. There was no answer.

‘PAUL!’ John shouted again, a lot louder. Again there was no answer. John immediately dropped everything that he held in his hands and ran to stairs. He sighed from relieve as he saw Paul standing on top of the stars, covering his mouth with his hand. He walked over to him.

‘Fucking hell, Paul! Answer at least. I thought you fell down the stair, for god’s sake!’ John said. Paul turned to him and lowered his hand.

‘Sorry… I err… I dropped your bags.’ Paul said. He pointed down. John looked down. He laughed as he saw three of his bags lying open on the ground.

‘Oh Paulie, why did you tried to carry three bags at once? That’s just stupid.’ John said as he wrapped his arm around Paul’s shoulder. Paul stared down at the bags. He shrugged.

‘I don’t know. I just wanted to hurry up a bit.’ He said. John shook his head and placed a little kiss on Paul’s temple.

‘You’re still cute, you know.’ He said with a chuckle. Paul gave him a look.

‘Well, the good thing is that they are already down. Now, repack those bags and in the bedroom there’s another you can throw down. I’m calling Julian to cancel tomorrow, before I forget. I hope he won’t mind.’ John said. Paul’s eyes grew wide.

‘Oh right. Julian was coming over tomorrow. John, you really don’t have to come with me. Julian is important too.’ Paul said, he placed his hands on John’s chest and drew little circles with his fingertips. John took Paul’s chin between his fingers and kissed him lovingly.

‘Don’t be silly. He won’t mind. He saw me a week ago. He’ll understand.’ John said. Paul nodded. John let go of  him and ran down the stairs. He jumped over the mess downstairs. Paul watched him. John looked up.

‘It’ll be fine Paul. Just get those bags packed and down. We’ll leave in five minutes!’

            ‘Hi, Jules. It’s me, Dad.’ John said as he heard his son’s voice on the other side.

‘Dad? It’s a little late here. What time is it there?’ Julian answered.

‘I know it’s a little late. But it’s about tomorrow.’ John said, ‘Paul’s here, as you know, but he just got a call from Linda.’ He heard his son yawn at the other side. John felt so stupid for forgetting about the time difference.

‘Stella has broken her arm. She is in the hospital right now. Paul wants to go over there.’ He continued. It stayed quiet at the other end for some time.

‘And what had that go to do with me coming over?’  Julian asked. John cleared his throat. He didn’t know if he should tell Julian about him and Paul.

‘I err… I’m coming with him.’ John said. He hoped Julian would get it and just leave it with that. He didn’t.

‘Why? It’s his daughter, not yours. Doesn’t he has a wife?’ Julian asked. John sighed and ran a hand through his hand. He leaned against the wall.

‘Well, yeah. But…’ John said.

‘Exactly. She’ll take care of him. He’s not someone you have to take of anymore, dad. He’s a grown man, with a family. He doesn’t need his older friend to help him.’ Julian interrupted. John sighed. Paul walked in and leaned against the doorframe.

‘Dad, I thought we decided to spent more time together. I was fine with him being there. I mean he’s a great guy and all, but you can’t leave me for him! You can’t leave your son for an old friend of you, dad.’ Julian continued.

‘Jules, even you know he’s a lot more than just an old friend, okay? I’m sorry son. I really am. How ‘bout I’ll make it up to you, okay?’ John tried.

‘I thought this was how you wanted to make it up for all those years you left me and ma on our own while you were touring around the world, making bloody music and living the rock ‘n’ roll life of a bachelor! For the time you spent making music, doing drugs and cheating on ma instead of being there for you wife and child!’ Julian said firm from the other end of the line. John knew he was pissed off. And he also knew he had every right to be pissed off. Even though John really rather did not want to admit it, Julian was right. He hated it when other people were right.

‘Jules, please. You don’t understand. I had too, it was my job.’ John said.

‘The music and the touring, maybe. But the fucking drugs and shagging wasn’t!’ Julian replied angrily. John massaged his scalp and tried to think. Paul came to stand next to him.

‘I’ll be only gone for a week. I’ll visit you as soon as I have the time.’ John said.

‘That’s the problem! You never have time.’ Julian replied. Neither Julian or John said something. Paul elbowed his side. John looked at him with begging eyes.

‘Just tell him…’ Paul whispered softly. John bit his lip.

‘It’ll be fine. Just tell him.’ Paul said again. John sighed and nodded.

‘Jules. I’m truly sorry about then and now. But it is Paul we’re talking about. Uncle Paulie…’ John said before his son interrupted him again.

‘I’m not a child anymore, dad.’ He said.

‘I know, I know. Sorry. What I want to say is that you might not really understand what’s going on here.’ John said.

‘Oh, really. Enlighten me, then!’ Julian replied. John took deep breath.

‘Me and Paul, we’re err…’  John began, ‘We’re err… What I want to say is that we’re…’ John looked at Paul. Paul motioned him to continue and just say it.

‘Me and Paul might get back together.’ John finally said. Paul wanted to bang his head against the wall. John watched him. He didn’t understand. When he realized what he had just said he wanted to do the same.

            ‘What do you mean, get back together.?’ Julian asked. John hit himself in the face. Paul gave him an angry look.

‘Not what I meant John!’ He whispered.

‘I know!  John mouthed back.

‘What do you mean with get together? And the ‘back’ bit?’ Julian asked again. John decided the only thing he could do was tell him the truth. 

‘Err… Julian I know this is going to sound very weird and may be a little disgusting to you. I don’t know what you think about those kind of things…’ John said.

‘Those kind of thing? Dad? Are you telling me, you and Paul are going to date?!’ Julian asked. John laughed nervously.

‘Well, yes.’ He said.

‘And with ‘back’ you mean…’ Julian knew he didn’t have to finish that sentence.

‘We err… We kind of had something back in the old Beatles days.’ John confessed. Paul’s eyes grew wide and looked at him.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ He asked. John put his hand over to phone so Julian wouldn’t hear what they said.

‘I can’t really deny it all now, can I?’ John replied. Paul raised his hand.

‘Fine, just leave me out of it.’ He said.

‘How is that even possible? You’re the one I’m fucking, aren’t ya?’ John said.

‘You know what I mean!’ Paul replied. He sat down on the table.  John too his hand away and ran his hand through his hair.

‘Dad! I don’t even know if I want to know all of this.’ Julian said. John sighed.

‘Well, I wasn’t going to give you much information anyway.’

‘Does mum know?’ Julian asked. John cleared his throat.

‘Sort of. I haven’t exactly told her, but I think she sort of knew. Or at least had her suspicions. We weren’t very careful in the beginning.’ John said. Paul let his head rest on his hand and watched John with a smile as he remembered those early years.

‘I see. And know you two are going to get back together? What about you other wife?’ Julian asked. John heard the underlying mocking tone.

‘See, I haven’t quite figured it all out yet.’ John replied. His voice sounded a bit more annoyed then he wanted, but at least it passed the message well.

‘Arg, fine. Just call me, okay. I still want to get to know you better, even though you’re a stupid, disgusting, horny poofter.’ Julian said with a laugh. John laughed too.

‘Okay, I guess I deserved that. I will. I am sorry, Jules. And I will make it up to you. You want a motorcycle?’ John joked. Paul and Julian laughed.

‘No thanks. I’ve already got one.’ Julian said.

‘What did he say?’ Paul asked softly. John grinned.

‘He already got one.’ John said in a normal tone, letting Julian know Paul was in the room too.

‘Say hi to uncle Paul for me, okay. I think I’ll go back to bed. My legs are kind of giving up on me.’ Julian said.

‘Jules says ‘Hi’!’ John said to Paul.

‘Oh, say hi back!’ Paul said. John sighed but did as he was told.

‘Great! How is it going with his new album?’ Julian asked.

‘Well, I don’t know. I haven’t asked him.’ John replied.

‘Ask him now, then!’ Julian said with a laugh.

‘Listen, you need to go to bed, and I can make you since I am your father. And we, meaning me and Paul, have to catch a plane. So why don’t you call each other tomorrow?’ John said. Paul laughed and shook his head.

‘Yeah, okay I’ll do that. Good night, dad. Have a good flight. I’ll tell mum you cheated on her with a guy too. She’ll love that. Bye!’ Julian said.

‘Don’t even think about it, or that proposition about a motorcycle might seem  a little more interesting!’ John warned him.

‘Yeah, sure dad.’ Julian replied.

‘I’ll call you when we’ve landed, okay? Bye son!’ John said.

‘Oh! Say goodbye from me too!’ Paul said loudly so Julian could hear.

‘NO! You can do that in your own little conversation when we’ve landed. Now shut up and put the bags in the car!’ John said. Julian laughed from the other side of the line as Paul go up and walked out to the bags.

‘Bye dad! Don’t forget to make it up to me, eh.’ Julian said. John said goodbye too and hung up.

Paul returned with a sad face.

‘What’s wrong?’ John asked as he got his jacket.

‘You still got the car keys…’ Paul answered. John groaned and threw him the keys.

‘I can’t believe it. I feel like I’m babysitting you! Just hurry up a bit. What if we miss our flight because of the amount of traffic?!’ John said. Paul shook his head.

‘John, it’s two in the morning. I think we’ll be fine with the traffic, don’t you?’ Paul said. John shook his head.

‘Oh no, traffic is a bitch at this time of day.’ John said.

‘Night you mean.’ Was Paul’s reply. John gave him a fake laugh and pushed him towards the car. Paul opened the doors and threw their bags in. John threw the last two in.

‘Whose driving?’ Paul asked. John smiled wide.

‘I am.’ He said before sitting down on the driver’s seat.

‘Oh dear god, This will be the way I’m going to die. In the car with you behind the steering wheel.’ Paul said as he got in.

‘Oh sod it, Macca. I’m not that bad.’ John said.

‘Yes you are! Remember the time when you wanted to bring me home and…’ Paul started. John placed the palm over Paul’s mouth to shut him up.

‘Yeah, I get it. I’ll be careful, okay?’ John said as he started the engine. Paul grinned.


	8. Chapter 8

The drive to the airport was horror to Paul. He wasn’t sure if John actually knew he had to drive on the right and not on the left. Every time there was another car, Paul would grab anything that he could grab. John’s driving really hadn’t improved one bit.

            After a very long  drive they finally arrived. Paul tried hard not to fall through the window as they stopped. He got out even before the car stood completely still. He heard John laugh in the car. Paul turned. John came out. He shut the door and locked the car.

‘Oh, come on Paulie. It wasn’t that bad. I didn’t hit anything, did I?’ John said with a grin of amusement. Paul bit his lip. He hated it when John had that grin on his face. He looked gorgeous like that.

‘Well, no. But it was a close call a lot of times.’ Paul said. John shook his head and walked over to him. Paul put his hands in his pockets. It was cold.

‘It wasn’t that bad. You’re exaggerating.’ John said. He wrapped an arm around Paul’s shoulder.

‘Fifteen times, John. FIFTEEN! I counted them all.’ Paul said firmly. John chuckled.

‘I can’t believe you counted them.’ He said. Paul gave him a little push.

‘It’s not funny, John. You could’ve killed us!’ He said in a dramatic voice.

‘Paul, don’t be such  a drama queen. It’s all fine, now let’s go and get tickets.’ John said. He started walking, dragging Paul with him.

‘I’m not a queen…’ He mumbled softly. John heard him and grinned to himself. Paul didn’t notice.

            Paul waited with the bags while John got their tickets. He realized why he had to go get them again. He had almost forgotten about it. Or at least not really thought about it. He had been distracted, by John and Julian’s telephone call and John’s driving and the packing and the excitement of going into a plane with John again. But now there wasn’t enough to distract his mind again. He only saw things which reminded him why John was getting those stupid tickets. He was sitting on a bench with the suitcases in front of him. He let his feet rest on one. He watched his surroundings as he waited. Because of the late hour there weren’t many people bothering him. Whenever someone saw him, they were too shy to come over or just asked for an autograph. Some people didn’t even recognize him or saw him or didn’t believe it was him. The bad thing about that was that there was absolutely nothing to distract him whatsoever. He watched a two kids playing. A boy and a girl, probably brother and sister. They looked so much alike. They ran around and played hide and seek. The little girl looked like Stella. Of course it was only because they were about the same age and both had the same hair colour. Every little girl with those things would have looked like Stella to Paul at this moment. He wasn’t thinking clearly. Paul watched the kids play. Suddenly the little girl tripped over her own feet. Paul quickly stood up to help her. He was already standing when he realized she wasn’t Stella. The little girl’s mother had already came to help her. Paul sighed.

            Paul nearly jumped two feet in the air as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

‘Are you okay?’ He heard John ask behind him. He sighed. The little girl who looked like Stella was running around again already, trying to catch her older brother. Or at least Paul thought he was older. He turned around to John. He nodded.

‘Yeah, I’m fine. Just got a lot on me mind.’ He said with a difficult smile. John squeezed his shoulder. Paul wanted a hug. But he knew people would look weird at them. They were already curious why they were at the airport at this time. It would only start unnecessary rumours. Paul didn’t want any rumours. Especially if it wasn’t going to work out and John would go back to Yoko.

‘Come on. I’ve managed to get two tickets. Our plane leaves in one and a half hour.’ John said. Paul nodded. Then he raised an eyebrow.

‘So? We’ve got time, right. No need to hurry.’ He said. John smiled at him.

‘Ah, but I’m a little hungry. I want to get something before he take off.’ John told him. Paul smiled and shook his head.

‘I can’t believe you’re hungry at this hour. You look like George.’ Paul joked. John smiled and laughed with him.

‘I’m glad you’re smiling again.’ John said. Paul looked up at John. Their eyes locked. John quickly removed his hand from Paul’s shoulder and bent down to get the bags.

‘Anyway, driving always makes me hungry.’ John said. He handed Paul a suitcase and kept the other two for himself.

‘I can carry one more, you know.’ Paul said. John shook his head.

‘No. I’m carrying these. You need to relax. Walking around with two heavy suitcases wouldn’t really help you to relax, would it?’ John said. Paul nodded.

‘Let’s go then.’ John picked the other suitcases and began to walk. Paul followed him.

            John and Paul sat down next to each other on the plane. There weren’t many people. Paul was glad. He didn’t want to get much attention from his and John’s fans. Not now. He had other stuff on his mind. The plane took off. John placed his hand on Paul’s leg. Paul looked at it and then to John. John looked out of the small window at the city lighted with beautiful lights. Paul smiled to himself and placed his hand over John’s. John turned to look at him. He took Paul’s hand in his and smiled at him. Paul smiled back. John turned away again, looking at the pretty lights. Paul gave John’s hand a squeeze to let him know he was alright.

            It was very quiet on the plane. Most people were sleeping or reading or doing something. John had got a book out too. Paul had tried to sleep, but couldn’t. Every time he closed his eyes he had to think of his little daughter. He had no idea what was going on now, and that scared him. John wasn’t holding his hand anymore. He used now to flip the pages. Paul studied John’s beautiful hands to keep calm.

‘Are you okay, Paul?’ John suddenly asked. Paul looked from his hands to his face. John was watching him. He hadn’t noticed. Paul nodded slowly.

‘Yeah, I guess so. Just a little nervous. Can’t sleep either.’ He answered. John sighed and put his book away.

‘But, I’ll be fine. You can continue reading if you want.’ Paul said. His voice was a little shaky so John didn’t buy it. He placed his hand on Paul’s upper thigh. He looked deeply into his eyes.

‘You need to relax a little. Of course you won’t sleep when you’re like this. Your hands are even shaking.’ John said. Paul looked at his hands. John was right. He was shaking. He felt John’s fingers stroking his cheek. Paul looked up in shock.

‘John… Someone might see us.’ He whispered to him as he moved his head away. John placed a hand behind Paul’s neck and pulled him against his lips. Paul’s eyes grew wide. He tried to move away, but John held him close. He even moved his hand up Paul’s thigh, closer his crotch. When John finally let go of Paul, Paul immediately moved away. John had a naughty grin on his face.

‘What the fuck, John?! What if someone had seen us?’ Paul asked. He looked around if someone was looking at them.

‘Just relax. I checked you dumb ass. Everybody who could have seen us were all asleep or too far in their book to notice us. Just relax a bit.’ John said, still grinning. Paul shook his head and turned away from him. John shook his head. He stood up.

‘Come on, I know what you need.’ He said as he took Paul’s hand and dragged him with him. Paul tried to stay where he was.

‘Just walk with me or I’ll carry you there! You were the one who didn’t want anyone to notice, weren’t you?’ John said with an devilish grin. Paul bit his lip.

‘That’s bribing!’ He said. John shrugged.

‘No it’s not. Don’t be such a bird and come along.’ He said. Paul sighed and walked with John to wherever he was taking him.

            They stopped by the toilets. John had one more quick look around before he pushed Paul inside.

‘Quick, before anyone sees us.’ He said. Paul fell on the dirty ground as John pushed him. John stepped inside too and locked the door behind him. Paul looked at him with an angry look.  John laughed.

‘Oh, don’t be such a baby. Sit down.’ John said. He pointed at the toilet.

‘I don’t have to go.’ Paul said. John helped him up and pushed him on the seat.

‘What kind of pervert do you think I am?! Just sit down.’ John said with a smile. He opened the door one more time to make really sure no one was there. Than he locked it again and stood before Paul. Paul looked up at him. When John kneeled down on the floor, Paul knew what he was going to do.

‘John, I really don’t…’ Paul started. John shushed him with a kiss. He place his hands on Paul’s knees, one on each. Paul closed his eyes and responded to the kiss. John saw that as a sigh and slowly pushed Paul’s knees apart. Paul broke the kiss and looked away. He closed his knees again. John smiled at him. He looked like a school girl. John stroked Paul’s cheek and leg. Paul blushed.

‘You’re so cute like this…’ John said. Paul turned to look at him with big eyes.

‘John, I don’t… I don’t think this is a good idea.’ He told him. John didn’t listen and moved his hand between Paul’s closed legs.

‘Come on, Macca. Part them for me. We’ve done this before, right?’ John said. Paul didn’t like to admit it, but nodded “yes” anyway.

‘But, John… We’re not twenty anymore.’ He said. John grinned at him.

‘That only means there’s only fewer changes that we’re going to get caught.’ John said. Paul looked at him with his big puppy eyes. It only made John want him more.

‘But, what if someone walks in? Or hears us? Or…’ John kissed him again.

‘They won’t.’ He whispered sexily into Paul’s ear. Than he nibbled at Paul’s ear and pulled at his earlobe with his teeth, making Paul moan and blush. Paul’s legs slowly fell slightly apart. John took his change and pushed them completely open with both hands as he licked at Paul’s neck. He quickly moved between them as they were completely parted. John caressed Paul’s thighs, than upwards to his side and then his chest. Paul moaned and let his head rest on John’s shoulder. John sucked at Paul’s salty skin, tasting him once more before he whispered sexily into his ear: ‘You’re too easy to persuade.’

John’s hands slowly started to unbutton Paul’s shirt. The cold air caressed Paul’s chest, which made his  shiver. He felt John grin against his neck. Paul let out a soft moan as John’s fingers found his sensitive nipples. John kissed down Paul’s neck to his chest. Soon his lips found Paul’s nipples. He smiled up at Paul before he took one in and sucked. Paul groaned from deep in his throat.

 John played with Paul’s nipples till Paul was shivering and pulling his hair. Then he moved his kisses lower and unbuckled Paul’s belt with his hands. John noticed Paul was already very hard. He looked up at Paul. Paul’s face was completely flushed and his hair a bit messy. John kissed him passionately and unzipped his trousers. Paul moaned against his lips. John broke the kiss. Paul whined.

‘I want you, Paul. I want to take that hard cock of yours deep in my throat and suck it till you come hard in my mouth.’ He whispered sexily into Paul’s ear. Paul groaned.

‘Fuck… oh yes, John. Do it. Oh god, suck me. Please.’ Paul replied. John grinned and nibbled at Paul’s neck again as he took Paul out of his boxers. Paul groaned as John slowly began to caress his hard-on in a painfully torturous pace. Paul clung himself against John. John kissed Paul hard on the lips once more before he got down and licked the tip of Paul’s nearly throbbing erection. Paul moaned loudly and threw his head back. John chuckled.

‘I thought you didn’t want to get caught?’ He joked.

‘I don’t care. Just suck it, please suck it. I need it. Oh fuck I need you.’ Paul moaned. John grinned again. He looked up at Paul and their eyes locked. John slowly let Paul slip into his mouth completely, not breaking the eye contact. Paul groaned as his cock hit the back of John’s throat. He tangled his finger into John’s hair and pulled.

‘Fuck… so good.’ He moaned. John hummed around Paul’s cock. He slowly bobbed his head up and down as he sucked and let his tongue run over all the place John knew would drive Paul crazy. Paul began to move his hips with John’s sucking. Then there was a bit of turbulence which made Paul push his cock completely down John’s throat, making gag. Paul was too far done to care. He grabbed John’s head and began to fuck his mouth. John closed his eyes and sucked hard, knowing Paul was about to cum. It only took another two minutes for Paul to cum hard into John’s mouth. John had placed his hand over Paul’s mouth to muffle the moans and screams Paul gave when he came. John made sure every bit of Paul’s white cream came in his mouth. John let Paul’s slowly slip out of his mouth and swallowed it all. 

‘Don’t swallow yet…’ Paul panted. John kissed his now nearly limp dick.

‘Sorry, already did.’ He replied. Paul smiled.

‘That’s okay.’

            John cleaned up a bit and Paul quickly dressed again. John went out first since he was sitting by the window and if Paul would go first Paul would have to stand up again. Paul waited two more minutes, catching his breath, before he walked out too and sat back down in his seat. John was reading his book again. Paul studied him. Something wasn’t quite right. Then he noticed. He licked just besides John’s mouth. John looked at him with confusion written all over his face.

‘You still had a little there.’ He said with a wink as he pointed at the corner of his mouth. John grinned back at him before returning to his book. Paul sat back and closed his eyes. Slowly he felt himself float away. 


	9. Chapter 9

‘Paul. Paul! Wake up.’ John said as he elbowed Paul. Paul groaned and wiggled in his seat.

‘Paul, wake up. We’re here.’ John tried again. Paul turned away from him, not wanting to be brought out of his slumber. John sighed. He leaned over Paul and squeezed his nose close with his fingers so Paul couldn’t breathe. After a short minute Paul’s eyes shot open and he gasped for air. John immediately let go of Paul’s nose.

‘What the hell! John!’ Paul nearly yelled. John couldn’t help but laughing a little. Paul hit him lightly.

‘It’s not funny! You could’ve killed me!’ Paul said. John didn’t stop laughing. He simply couldn’t. Paul looked too funny when he was trying to be angry.

‘Ah fuck it!’ Paul said as he took John’s book from his lap and threw it at him as he stood up. John duck away but was still laughing. Paul angrily turned around and started to walk away, biting his lip as he did so in order not to burst out in laughter.

            John and Paul walked over the dark parking lot filled with all kinds of cars that looked pretty much alike in the dark somehow. John carried two bags again and Paul one. John walked behind Paul, watching how he was searching the place for that one special car. John saw he was tense. John couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t very ideal, walking around a dark parking lot searching for your wife, with you newly found old ‘boyfriend’, who is going to take you to the hospital where your little girl is lying with a broken bone while you’re not even sure if it’s all going to work out in the end.

John shook his head and followed Paul silently. He wondered if it had really been such a good idea to come with Paul. The itch on his chest has returned. John was rather annoyed with the fact that he had no free hands to scratch.

            ‘Paul! Over here!’ They suddenly heard. Paul quickly looked in the direction where the yell had come from. John looked too. Paul’s wife, Linda, was leaning against the car waving at Paul. John wondered if she had seen him. He thought not.  John’s heart sped up. John looked at Paul, who was smiling at him. That calmed him down a little. Paul beckoned him to follow. John did so.

            ‘There you are! I was already worried.’ Linda said as they walked over. John stayed behind Paul. Paul dropped the bags to the floor and hugged his wife and gave her a kiss on her lips. John put his bags down too. He waited, not sure how to act.

‘John! I didn’t know you were coming too. What a surprise. How are things?’ Linda asked as she noticed him. She let go of Paul. John smiled at her.

‘I’m fine, thanks. I’m not the one who you two should be worried about.’ He answered. Linda walked over to him and gave him a hug.

‘Don’t be silly. I’m glad you’re here. I think Paul would like the support.’ She told him.

‘I thought so too. Yoko and Sean were out anyway, so I thought I’d come with him.’ John replied. He quickly looked at Paul, who gave him a wink. John smiled. Linda let go of him.

‘Things are okay between you and Yoko, then?’ Linda asked as she picked up one of the bags and opened the car door. John and Paul did the others.

‘Yeah. We’re fighting a little more often, though. But who doesn’t?’ John said. He smiled weakly. Linda didn’t notice.

‘I’m sure it will work out. Everybody fights once in a while. Is Sean okay?’ She asked as she got in the car. Paul sat down next to her and John in the back.

‘Yeah. He’s growing so fast. He became such an Beatles fan.’ John said with a laugh. He saw Paul was smiling too. The calm way that Paul acted really made things easier for him. John was glad he understood he was feeling a little tense.

‘That’s great. He had good music taste then. From his dad I suppose.’ Linda replied. She laid a hand on Paul’s thigh as she drove the car to his hospital.

‘How’s Stella?’ Paul asked.

‘She’s fine, Paul. I told you it’s nothing serious. I’m glad you’re here, though. But I must say you are overreacting a little.’ Linda answered with a chuckle. John grinned. Linda was a great woman for Paul, John had to admit.

‘The others are with her now. I haven’t told her you were coming yet. I wanted to surprise her.’ Linda continued. John sat back in the backseat and looked out of the window as he heard Paul talk to his wife. He was glad he had come along.

            ‘We’re here. Just leave to luggage in the car. It’s already late anyway.’ Linda said as she parked the car. They got out. It was cold. Really cold. Much colder than John had expected. John jumped a little as he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around. Paul handed him a scarf.

‘Here. It’s rather chilly tonight.’ He said. John took it and thanked him. Paul waited for Linda to start walking. He took John’s arm and dragged him with him.

‘I’m glad you’re here, you know.’ Paul said softly. He placed a tiny kiss on John’s cheek. John looked at him in surprise. Paul winked at him.

‘I still love you. Even though we’re here now. Just relax a little. I can see you’re tense.’ He whispered so Linda couldn’t hear. John smiled lovingly at him. He quickly checked if Linda wasn’t looking before gently kissing Paul’s red nose. Paul giggled.

‘I love you too.’ John said softly.

            ‘Ah Mr and Mrs McCartney. You’re little daughter is doing just fine. Just like the other kids.’ A young beautiful girl greeted them as they walked in. John got a chill down his spine as he looked around the hospital. Why do all hospitals look the same? He took a deep breath and quickly followed his lover and his lover’s wife.

‘And Mr Lennon. I didn’t really expected you here.’ The girl said. Her voice sounded a little more enthusiastic than when she greeted Paul and Linda.

‘No, me neither, but well. What can you do, eh?’ John said as he winked at her. Paul rolled with his eyes. John winked at him too before turning to the young girl again. He leaned on her desk. She was really pretty. She had brown hair, big blue eyes, a pretty face and her top was just a little too tight.

‘You’re doing better, I hope.’ She said, biting her lip.

‘Oh, yeah. Never felt any better,’ John peaked at her name tag, ‘Emily.’ The girl blushed and looked down as she took a deep breath. John smiled to himself.

‘Well, I hope you’ll be going back into the studio again soon.’ She said.

‘I plan too. I can’t wait to get back to work, but the doctor says I have to take it easy for a couple of months. And you always have to follow the doctor’s orders.’ He said in a flirty voice. The girl looked up at him. John smiled at her.

‘Let’s hope you’ll start again soon, Mr Lennon.’ She said.

‘Oh please, call me John.’ John replied. He winked at her before walking back to Paul and Linda. Paul shook his head in disapproval, but Linda actually smiled.

‘You know you’re married and are in your forties and she’s in her twenties.’ Paul said.

‘Yeah. That’s legal right?’ John said. Linda was still smiling.

‘I’m just glad you’re yourself again.’ She told him.

‘See Paul. Even your wife thinks so.’ John said to Paul. Paul just shook his head.

‘Let’s go. I want to see my girl.’ He said. They started walking. John turned one more time to the pretty girl and waved at her, making her blush.

‘Stop it.’ Paul told him.

‘Aw. Are you jealous, Macca?’ John asked. Paul pushed him a little.

‘No, I just don’t think you should treat girls like that.’ He said. John laughed softly.

‘Oh, you were ten times worse, Macca. You know you were. You would’ve fucked her.’ He said.

‘But I was in my twenties then, not forties. And yes, there is a difference.’

‘You’re wife didn’t seem to mind.’

‘Yeah, but that’s only because you were her favourite Beatle.’ Paul replied. John grinned cocky.

‘You really haven’t changed a bit, have you Lennon?’ Paul asked.

‘I have. You just bring it back up.’ John replied.

            John followed Paul and Linda to the lifts. Stella was on the third floor. John was feeling nervous. The girl had taken his mind of the whole hospital-thing, but now… The only reason why he had been flirting with the girl was to take his mind of it all. John looked at Paul. He was taking to Linda. John hoped Paul knew it was only because of that. That he didn’t really mean any of it. John sighed and stepped into one of the lifts.

            Paul eyed John from the corner of his eye. He could see he wasn’t doing fine. He could feel it. Something was up. John turned his head into his direction, but quickly looked away again as he saw Paul was watching him. Paul bit his lip. Time to talk. They had to talk sometime, right?

            ‘Daddy!’ Stella exclaimed as her dad walked into the hospital room. Her cheeks were rosy and she had a wide, happy smile on her face. The only thing that didn’t seem right was the arm. It was all wrapped up in white plaster. It did have funny and colourful drawings on it. Paul immediately ran to her and hugged her tightly.

‘AH, how is my sweet, brave daughter doing?’ He asked her. He kissed her sweetly on the top of her head. John leaned against the doorframe as he watched how cute Paul was when he was dealing with kids.

‘I’m fantastic! Look what nurse Ann drew on my arm!’ Stella said enthusiastically as she showed her father the drawing of Santa Clause and Rudolf next to a Christmas tree. Paul smiled.

‘It’s lovely. But, don’t you think it’s  a little early?’ He asked her. Stella shook her head. John smiled. Linda came to stand next to him.

‘No! She said she’d draw anything I liked. And this is what I wanted. It’s only two months away!’ She said. Paul laughed and hit himself on his head.

‘How stupid of me. So it is!’ He said. He ruffled her hair and sat down on the bed.

‘Do you know who’s also here?’ He asked her. Stella shook her head. She only had eyes for her father. Paul pointed at the door.

‘Uncle John came too. He was very worried, you know.’ Paul said.

‘UNCLE JOHN!!’ Stella cried out with laughter. John laughed and waved at her. Linda smiled and gave him a little push to get him to get over to them.

‘Uncle John!’ Stella reached out with one hand. John got the hint. He lowered himself and hugged her tightly. Stella kissed his cheek.

‘Look! A doctor drew this. He said it was you. I don’t think it looks alike, though.’ Stella said as he pulled away and showed him a drawing. John smiled.

‘Do you want me to draw something too?’ He asked. Stella bounced up and down on the bed. Paul tried to hold her down a little so she wouldn’t hurt herself.

‘Yes, please!’ Stella answered sweetly. John smiled. Paul handed him a pen.

‘Here. Make it your best work.’ He said with a wink. John smiled back as he placed the pen on the white plaster. Stella watched in awe as he drew a lovely dog which was playing in the snow on her arm next to Santa.

‘Here you go, sweetie.’ He said as he kissed her on his head. Stella quickly showed her arm to her mum and dad. Paul started at John. John winked at him.

‘It’s Martha.’ He said silently. John nodded.

‘Thank you uncle John!’ Stella thanked him. John ruffled her hair.

‘Keep it. It might be worth something.’ He said. Paul and Linda laughed softly. Stella didn’t understand and just looked at every drawing on her arm. Paul carefully took John’s hand in his. He gave it a little squeeze, telling him it was alright. 


	10. Chapter 10

John and Paul silently held hands as they watched over Paul’s little girl, who was sleeping peacefully on the bed. John was getting nervous again. Only Paul was here to really take his mind of things, but it wasn’t like it was helping one bit.

Linda had gone to take the kids home and would then come back to pick them up since they didn’t all fit into the car at the same time.

            Paul caressed John’s hand with his thumb and squeezed a little, attracting his attention. John turned his head. Paul took John’s head in his hands and kissed his forehead lovingly. John smiled as Paul let go of him again.

‘You okay?’ Paul asked. John shrugged, not really knowing how to answer. Paul understood him perfectly though.

‘It’s the hospital, right?’ he asked. John looked up into his eyes. Paul’s eyes looked caring and sweet. So beautiful, John thought. He bit his lip and slowly nodded lightly. Paul kneeled down in front of John and took his hands in his hands. John felt as if he was a little child.

‘John, I understand how you must feel. You could’ve told me from the start. You could’ve driven back with Linda just now.’ Paul said. John shook his head.

‘No. I’m fine. I have to get used to it. It’s not like I was shot in here, right?’ John said with a chuckle. Paul caressed his cheek.

‘I’m here for you, all right. You shouldn’t need to worry about me but about her.’ John nodded at the little girl who hugged her teddy bear tightly as if it was her baby.

‘Don’t be silly John. She’s fine now. I just needed to see her with my own eyes.’ He answered. John didn’t react.

‘John. Please tell me the truth and be honest about it when something is the matter. You actually made me worry more then I would’ve if you just told me.’ He said. John smiled at him and kissed him briefly, being aware that there was a little girl who could wake up any moment and John thought it was probably for the best that she would not wake up and see her dad and his best friend kiss.

‘John, I’m here for you. Always. You should know that by now. You mean the world to me. You know that, right?’ He asked. John nodded.

‘Yeah, but I wanted to be there for you…’ John said softly. Paul chuckled.

‘You were there for me. You helped me to relax and I don’t mean when we were on the plane.’ Paul said with a wink. John laughed a little.

‘I mean the whole trip. With the hectic phone call with Julian, the packing, the driving, the blowjob too of course, you were there when I searched for the car. You talking to Linda like that really put me mind on ease. Don’t you dare think you didn’t help me. I would’ve been a mess if I had gone back all by myself.’ He said. John kissed him again. Paul kissed back and hugged him tightly.

‘I’m here for you, John. Like you are here for me.’ He said. John smiled and whispered a ‘thank you’ into Paul’s ear.

            Linda drove up again with the car. John and Paul were already waiting at the front of the hospital outside so she didn’t have to park. Linda opened the doors from the inside.

‘I still can’t believe you don’t have a driver.’ John said. Paul shrugged.

‘Don’t see why we should have one. It only ends up in less privacy.’

            John let his eyes fall close as they drove to Paul’s house. He only now realized how tired he was. He heard Paul and Linda talk in the background but couldn’t understand what they said. Slowly his mind drifted off and he fell fast asleep.

            ‘Lin, I have to talk to you about something.’ Paul said softly after he had checked if John had indeed fallen asleep.

‘About what?’ Linda asked her husband. She had her suspicions, but didn’t want to jump into conclusions.

‘I think it would be best if we did it at home. It’s kind of a heavy subject.’ Paul said as he started playing with his finger. He was feeling nervous, but he had to talk about it. Even though John would not approve of it, he had to tell her.

‘Fine. We’ll talk when we get home. I’ve already made the spare bed for John so he can get in immediately. The kids are already in bed. We can talk after John has fallen asleep again.’ She said. Paul nodded. He wondered why she was just giving in that easily and didn’t ask what was wrong. Maybe she was just tired too.

            ‘John… Johnny, wake up. We’re here.’ Paul said as he shook John a little, trying to wake him up. But John was fast asleep and didn’t wake up. Or even move! Paul sighed and looked at his wife helplessly. She shrugged.

‘I don’t know. Just lift him up or something.’ She suggested as she rubber her forehead. Paul sighed. He never carried John. Only for fun with the other two band members. Paul remembered how John had carried him up to their room once. He could still feel John’s strong arms around him and his hands holding him up. He sighed and looked down at John’s body. He didn’t seem that heavy. Not anymore. Paul realized how  much weight John had lost in the last couple of years. He moved John a little and then carefully lifted him up. He sure was heavy, but not that heavy as Paul had thought. He quickly carried him to the house.

            John had snuggled his head into Paul’s warm chest. Paul thought he looked adorable in his arms. He quickly opened the door to the guest bedroom with his elbow and laid John carefully on the bed. He walked back to the door and closed it silently. Paul watched John as he made himself comfortable in the bed in his sleep. Paul started to stroke John’s hair as he lay peacefully. He had missed him so much when they were fighting, or just didn’t see each other. Paul still truly loved John. More than Linda. Though it was hard to compare them to each other, if Paul had the choice he’d choose John. He’d always choose John. He hoped John knew that.

‘I love you, Johnny.’ Paul whispered into John’s ear as he placed a kiss on his cheek. Paul slowly stood up and silently walked out, careful not to wake John up. He could use a little sleep.

            Paul ran a hand through his hair. Linda had gone upstairs to check on the children. Paul would talk to her about their relationship and his and John’s. Paul could hear his heart beat in his throat. This was going to be a big blow. Paul had never even kissed another woman after he’d married Lin, and now he was going to tell her he was having a sexual relationship with his former best friend who was above all, a guy. Paul could only hope that Linda would understand. Like she always did.

            Paul sat down on the cough and put the telly on. There wasn’t much, so he just stared at it for a while, waiting for his wife to come downstairs. In his head he just tried to figure out how to say it, but to no avail. He just simply didn’t know. He could only hope the words would come to him naturally.

            Paul was greeted by a pair of hands caressing his chest. He looked behind him and found Linda there, smiling at him. Paul leaned in and kissed her sweetly. Linda slowly started to unbutton her husband’s shirt. Paul grinned against her lips.

‘You want to?’ He asked her. Linda nodded. Paul quickly ran over his options. Telling her now would probably upset her. She hasn’t seen him in quite a while of course. Breaking it to her easily was probably for the best and that could wait.

‘Okay, then.’ Paul replied as he kissed her again, passionately, making her cheeks get a little red.

            Paul grabbed his wife by her hips and pushed her gently down on the bed. Linda hooked her legs behind Paul’s back and pulled her husband’s shirt off. Paul smiled at her before kissing her neck sweetly as his hands slowly caressed her sides. making sure to feel every curve. Linda caressed Paul’s naked back, rolling with her hips against Paul’s. Paul moaned against her skin and started to unbutton her shirt, exposing more and more flesh with every move. Paul moved his kisses lower, to her breasts, caressing them. Linda moaned and moved her fingers to Paul’s zipper.

‘I missed you, Paul.’ She moaned. Paul nodded as he took one of her nipples in his mouth and sucked.

‘Me too. You’re so beautiful.’ Paul answered her. Linda blushed. Paul nibbled on her now hard, pointy nipples as he took of her shirt and unhooked her bra. Linda moved her upper body up a bit to give Paul more room. Paul threw the red, lace bra in the corner of the room. He caressed every square inch of her body with his fingertips, giving her goose bumps all over.

‘I love you, Lin.’ Paul moaned against her breast. Linda quickly undid her husband’s trousers and started to pull them down. Paul quickly helped her. He kicked them off and kissed her passionately, his tongue finding every place in her warm, comfortable mouth that made her feel good. Paul felt he was already freaking hard. He moved one hand down and slid it under her jeans and slip. She moaned and threw her head back as Paul felt how wet she was. He rubbed a finger over her swollen clit.

‘Oh! Paul!’ She cried out. Paul grinned up at her before slowly licked his way down. Linda tangled her fingers into Paul’s hair. Paul licked her belly button, making her squirm a little as she pushed his head down. Paul grinned and went on. He removed his hand from her pussy and unzipped her tight jeans. He carefully dragged them down. Linda lifted her hips to help him. Paul caressed her thighs, making her get more aroused. He loved the feel of her smooth, thin thighs. Like silk it felt to him. He kissed her there as he slowly pulled her knickers down. Paul’s smile slowly disappeared from his face.

            John rolled over in his sleep. He was so comfortable and warm he felt as if nothing could wake him up now. Everything was just so peacefully quiet. John was miles away. Nothing could wake him up. Not even an atom bomb.

            ‘John.’ Paul whispered quite clearly into John’s ear. John didn’t react. He was too far away and didn’t want to be awoken from his lovely dream.

‘John.’ Paul whispered a little louder. John moved a little, turning his ear away from the noise. Paul sighed and grabbed John’s shoulder. He shook him a little. John groaned and slapped Paul’s hand away in his sleep.

‘John, it’s me. Wake up!’ Paul said a little louder. He grinned to himself as a little idea popped into his head. This would wake him up, Paul thought as he held John’s nose between two of his fingers. At first it looked like it didn’t even bother John. Like he didn’t even need to breath, but just pretended to do it ever since he was born. It took John three minutes before he woke up gasping for air. Paul backed away in shock. John hadn’t given any clue that he was in need for any air at all. After all those years John still managed to surprise Paul.

‘Argh… Paul! You freaking fag!’ John shouted softy, not wanting to wake anyone. Paul couldn’t help laughing. John’s face was completely red. He looked damn good!

‘Eh! Don’t get mad at me, dear! You did it first!’ Paul said in a sassy manner. John laughed and shook his head as he laid back down. He opened his arms for Paul en beckoned him to lie in them. Paul smiled and crawled into John’s bed, lying his head on John’s warm, naked chest. John wrapped his arms possessively around Paul, while kissing him on the top of his head. Paul buried his face in John’s chest and tangled their legs together. John pulled the covers up, over them.

            ‘I heard you two, you know.’ John spoke softly into Paul’s ear as he moved his nail gently over Paul’s hairy arms. Paul looked up at him. John felt his insides melt as soon as he looked into those big, hazel brown, puppy eyes with long female lashes, which you just wanted to feel against you skin.

‘Oh…’ Paul replied, not knowing what to say. John caressed his cheek.

‘It’s alright, babe. I understand. Just one little thing…’ John said. Paul nodded.

‘Why did I only hear her? When you’re with me, you’re one hell of a big screamer.’ John said with a wink. Paul had to blush and looked away.

‘I… I… John, please don’t laugh at me.’ Paul begged in a soft voice. John raised his eyebrows and caressed Paul’s still flushed cheek.

‘What is it, love?’ He asked. Paul swallowed thickly.

‘Just don’t laugh okay. It’s a little weird.’ He said. John nodded and gave him a little reassuring peck on his temple.

‘I won’t. Just tell uncle John what’s wrong. Did she bit you?’ John asked as he pouted.

‘John…’ Paul warned. John sighed.

‘Ah, fine. I won’t laugh. I promise you. Just tell me what it is.’ He said. Paul coughed, clearing his throat.

‘I err… I couldn’t… I… She… I couldn’t… You know…’ Paul said as pulled up the covers and started to suck on it.

‘What couldn’t you do, Paul?’ John asked as he pulled the covers from Paul’s mouth. Paul shrugged.

‘I… It’s just that… I couldn’t do it. I mean really _it._ The real thing.’ Paul said softly. John had to think about that for a second.

‘Wait! You mean that…’ John asked him. Paul slowly nodded. John tried hard not to laugh, but Paul still noticed. John got a little slap in the face.

‘You promised you wouldn’t laugh!’ Paul exclaimed angrily.

‘Sorry, Macca. But’s oh god… You couldn’t? You couldn’t get it up?’ John asked him again. Paul bit his lip.

‘Well, in the beginning I could. But then pulled her knickers down and… Well… I went… Well… Limp.’ Paul whispered, as if he was afraid someone else would hear.

‘Why on earth would you get limp?!’ John asked in disbelieve. Paul rolled over so he was lying with his tummy on John’s hips, facing him. He caressed John’s face with his fingers.

‘You’re not getting old, are you Paul?’ John asked. Paul pushed him playfully.

 ‘No! She just…’ Paul didn’t know how to explain.

‘She what, Paul?’ John asked.

‘It might sound weird!’ Paul said. John sighed.

‘Just tell me!’

Paul moved higher and brought his lips next to John’s ears. John waited patiently for what he was about to hear.

‘I missed something. Down _there_.’ Paul whispered. John had to laugh. He couldn’t help it. He just had to. Paul hit him again.

‘Sorry Paul. But could you be any queerer?’ He asked.

‘I told you it would sound weird.’ Paul said in a sad voice. John felt bad. He caressed Paul’s cheek, making him face him. John kissed Paul sweetly on the lips.

‘I guess I should be glad, eh?’ He said as he pulled away. Paul smiled weakly at him.

‘I guess…’

‘How did Linda react?’ John asked him. Paul sighed and sat with his back against John’s chest. John wrapped his arms around Paul’s waist.

‘She was tired. I fingered and licked her. She fell asleep afterwards. I didn’t wake her up. I kinda felt guilty and came to see you.’ Paul explained.

‘Aren’t you a gentleman. Taking care of a lady like you should,’ John said, ‘Who did you feel guilty about?’

‘You. Her. Meself even.’ Paul answered. John hummed.

‘What are you going to do?’ He asked. Paul shrugged with a tired sigh.

‘Depends on you. Who will you choose?’ He asked. John removed his arms from Paul’s slim waist and started playing with his nearly black hair.

‘It wouldn’t be fair towards her if you would stay with her because I’ll stay with Yoko. Nobody likes being second choice.’ John said. Paul nodded.

‘I know… I just… It’s so hard!’ Paul moaned, ‘I love you both so much. But I just… You two are so different.’

‘I hope so. She’s a woman and I’m a male. Last time I checked, that is.’ John said with a grin.

‘What? You checked if me wife was a woman?’ Paul asked jokingly.

‘Cheeky.’ John replied as he flicked Paul’s nose. John sighed and let his body move down and lay itself completely on the warm bed. Paul just followed John’s lead.

‘Let’s sleep, yeah? We can talk about it tomorrow. Let’s not bother that pretty little head of yours any longer, Macca.’ John said with a yawn. Paul nodded, rolled on his side, wrapped his arms and John and held him tightly against him. John smiled and continued to stroked Paul’s hair and he let one hand rest on Paul’s slim, feminine hip. He caressed the hipbones with his  fingertips, making Paul giggle.

‘John! That tickles, you fool!’ He said. John kissed him again.

‘Night, Paulie. Sweet dreams.’ John said as he closed his eyes and listened to Paul’s steady heartbeat as he slowly fell asleep again.

            Linda awoke that morning with a terrible feeling. She just knew something was going to happen that day. She just couldn’t remember or think of what it was. She mindlessly laid an arm on the other side of the bed where her beloved husband shouldn’t have been lying. She didn’t feel him. She moved her arm around. She still didn’t find him. He slowly opened her eyes and took a deep breath before she turned her head and found her husband was not besides her. At first she thought it had all been a dream. She shifted. She felt the covers caresses every inch of her skin. She was naked. She never slept naked. Only after Paul had made love to her.

            Everything came back to her at that very moment. How he had come back and brought John along. How sweet he had been in the hospital and how good his fingers had felt that night. How good those lips and tongue had felt on her most intimate places. How he had sucked every last drop out with such a sexy, pleasurable force. Linda had to groan at the memories of that night. God, was he good in bed. No wonder every fucking girl on the planet had wanted him. And still wanted him.

            Linda turned her eyes to the clock on the wall. It was only eight o’clock. She wondered where he was, her husband. He never got out that early when he didn’t have anywhere to be. Visiting hour at the hospital wasn’t until two this afternoon. She sighed and let her head fall back in her soft pillow. She listened carefully. There was no noise. No television. No music. No voices. No nothing. Everything was quiet. Even the children were still in bed. Where is he, she wondered.  


	11. Chapter 11

Linda slowly got out of bed and put on a robe. She wondered if her youngest was already up. She decided to check on that before she would start to search for her husband. She silently walked to the bedroom door and quickly peeked in. The bed in the room was empty, the blankets laid across the room. Linda wondered why he hadn’t come to her, like he normally did. Maybe Paul is downstairs with him, she thought. She closed the door and walked down to the kitchen. The kitchen, too, was empty. She sighed and rubber her forehead. Where is he? She thought. She quickly made a cup of tea for herself before walking to the living room. No one. She walked to her husband’s music room. Empty. John, she thought, maybe John has an idea where Paul and their son were. He has known him for a long time. He knows Paul better than anyone else. She quickly walked back up the stair to the guestroom.

            Paul woke up at the feeling of fingers playing with his hair. He moaned and slowly opened his eyes. He was lying in bed. Though not his own bed. He rubbed his head against the chest he was lying on.

‘Good morning, sleepyhead.’ Paul heard above him. He smiled to himself. He rolled onto the man completely before looking up at him with sleepy eyes.

‘Morning, John.’ He said. John was smiling at him. He cupped Paul’s cheek and pulled him into a sweet good morning kiss. Paul let his eyes fall shut and kissed him back, moaning against John’s sweet tasting lips.

‘You slept well, then?’ John asked as they pulled apart. Paul nodded and started to caress John’s chest with his hands.

‘Oh yeah. Had a lovely deep sleep.’ He said. John kissed Paul’s forehead.

‘I’m glad.’ He said. Paul smiled and kissed John’s chest.

‘Hmm, I like this the best.’ He said. John chuckled.

‘Really?’ Paul nodded.

‘Yeah. Waking up with you by my side. Your arms wrapped around me possessively. I like it.’ He answered. John looked lovingly at him, stroking his sides and hair with is fingers, giving Paul goose bumps.

‘I like it, too.’ He said. Paul laid his head on John’s shoulder, closing his eyes as he drew with his fingers on John’s chest.

‘I love you, Paul. You know that, don’t you?’ John said to him. He felt Paul nod.

‘I know. But I don’t mind you telling me, anyways. I love you too.’

             Suddenly the door to the bedroom swung open. Paul’s eyes shot open, thinking it was his wife. He felt John tense up too, gripping his hair tightly. Paul groaned from the pain.

‘Sorry.’ John said as he kissed his head.

‘It’s fine.’ Paul said as he rubbed his head. He pushed himself up, seeing who it was in the doorframe. He smiled as he saw his little boy standing there with a happy, boyish but sleepy smile.

‘Ello, little boy.’ He said with a smile. James walked in and closed the door behind him, crawling on the bed with John and Paul. John smiled and rubbed the little lad over his head. James didn’t seem to mind the attention. Paul rolled off John and sat with his back against the headboard. John did the same, a little further from Paul so James could sit between them. James did so and nestled himself between the two men.  James sat there, looking from John, who was just making funny faces to him, and his father, who was laughing at John’s silliness.

‘Why are you in the same bed as uncle John?’ James asked his father in his cute boyish voice. Paul laughed nervously, thinking of a way to explain. He looked at John, who was just waiting for Paul to say something with a grin on his face.

‘Well,’ he said, ‘Daddy couldn’t really sleep last night and mummy was asleep, so me and John played little games together in the bed last night till we fell asleep.’ John bit his lip in order not to laugh at Paul’s explanation.

‘Like you and mum do sometimes and you’re very noisy and all?’ James asked. John couldn’t hold it in any more. He burst out laughing. Paul gave him an angry look.

‘Well, no. We played other games. Like I-spy-with-my-little-eye.’ He said. John tried to stop laughing. He really tried. It was just all too funny.

‘Oh. Why is uncle John laughing?’ James asked. John bit his lip hard and stopped himself. Paul grinned.

‘Well, let’s ask uncle John himself. Because I have no idea.’ He said looking at John. James nodded and turned his head to John, looking at him with hopeful eyes.

‘Uncle John was just laughing at something that happened last night.’ He said with a wink.

‘What happened?’ James asked. John moved his head closer.

‘Well, your daddy fell. He was walking around the room and tripped over me suitcase.’ John said with a giggle. James laughed too. Paul shook his head.

‘Yeah, daddy can be very clumsy.’ He said. John gave Paul a little wink.

            Linda heard voices and laughter coming from behind John’s door. He raised an eyebrow and turned the doorknob. She carefully pushed the door open.

‘Hey Lin! How have you slept?’ John asked as he saw Linda in the doorframe. James was sitting on John’s lap, playing games with him, laughing enthusiastically as John let James bump up and down, holding him so he wouldn’t fall. Paul had been watching them with a wide smile before he turned his eyes to his wife. He was now blushing a little and the smile had vanished.

‘Very well, John. Thank you. I see you all have a good time. He hasn’t woken you up, has he?’ Linda asked, eyeing her husband. John shook his head.

‘Oh no. I was already awake. Reading.’ He answered. James got off of John’s lap and grabbed a pillow. John held his arms in front of his head to protect himself. James hit John lightly with the pillow. John laughed and tried to catch him, tickling him all over as he did so. Paul watched the whole show with again a big smile. Linda leaned against the door and watched too. She had always liked how good John actually was with kids. So playful and gentle. She watched her husband, who was now being attacked by John and James. John was holding him down on the bed as James tickled his father, making him squirm and giggle. Linda wondered if he had come here with James because she still had been asleep and not wanting to wake her or if he had already been here before James had walked in. She scratched the back of her head. Why was she thinking such a thing? Of course Paul had come here with James. Why would he have been here? He had slept next to her. She was just being ridiculous. Or was she? She had always known there was more than just friendship between the two man. She never had been able to put her finger on what it precisely was, but she had known that they were not just friends or song writing partners. She also knew her husband loved John, and John obviously loved Paul. But that was only brotherly love. She was just being silly. There was nothing going on. But then why had he blushed as she had entered the room. You wouldn’t blush if there wasn’t anything going on, would you? Linda shook his head lightly. She was just seeing things. She snapped out of her thoughts as she heard a loud thud. John was lying on the ground. He had fallen out of bed. James was laughing loudly and Paul just smiled, but with a little bit of a worried look. John laughed too and got up. Linda blushed a little as she saw he was only wearing a pair of boxers. Yeah, she still found John attractive. He had been her favourite Beatles of course. That just left something in your head and heart. Linda laughed too as John moved under the covers again.

‘Well, I’m going to prepare breakfast. I’ll see you guys down. Oh, and Paul would you take Mary out too?’ She asked him. Paul nodded and blew her a kiss. Linda smiled  at him and blew one back at him. But she felt something weird in her heart as John and James jumped on him, holding him down on the bed as their prisoner in their little game. 


	12. Chapter 12

John went down for breakfast with James. Paul would come later with Mary, who was still in bed. They hadn’t been able to really talk about Linda coming in and finding them like that. In one bed. Together. John remembered Paul saying that he had never told Linda about them, but still there was something within John that told him Paul needed to talk to Linda before things got bad. Linda was a clever woman and she knew Paul far too well. She’d find out about it, he was certain. And when she did, John wasn’t sure how she would react. He took a deep breath and held onto the little boy’s hand a little tighter as he entered the kitchen.

 

        ‘You are hurting me hand.’ James told John with a pout. John looked down at him, as if he just remembered the hand actually belonged to someone and gave him an apologetic smile as he let go.

‘Sorry.’ He added as James just kept staring at him. When he looked up again he could see Linda smiling as she flipped over a pancake, obviously finding it very amusing.

‘Morning, John. Hungry?’ She asked.

‘Starving.’ John answered as he walked over and stole a sausage from a plate which he quickly stuffed in his mouth.

‘John. No!’ She told him sternly and slapped him playfully on his arm. John just rolled his eyes and sat down at the breakfast table waiting for the rest of the family to arrive. To his surprise James sat down on the chair next to him.

‘May I have one, too?’ He asked cutely, meaning the sausage. John laughed at that.

‘No, you may not. You have to wait for your father to get downstairs.’

‘Why?’

‘Because that’s polite.’ John answered as he ruffled the boy’s hair.

‘No, I mean: why isn’t he here yet?’ James quickly corrected him.

‘Oh, because he’s waking up your sister.’

‘Oh. Okay.’ James agreed, but then he frowned, ‘How come you could have one?’

'Because… because I never learned that, and your dad tries to teach it to me, but I’m a lost cause.’ John could hear Linda chuckle.

'Oh… What does that mean?’ The little boy asked with a puzzled expression on his youthful face.

'It means that there is no hope for me anymore and that I’ll never be as polite and well-mannered as you are.’ John explained.

'How very true.’ Linda snickered. John ignored her.

'Will dad get mad if he knew you stole one? He was mad at me once because I got a cookie when he told me I couldn’t.’ James continued asking, seeming genuinely interested. John nodded.

'Oh yeah. Very mad.’ He agreed. James nodded thoughtfully before looking up at John with a brave shimmer in his eyes.

'Okay. I won’t tell. I don’t like it when daddy is mad.’ He promised. John smiled and ruffles his hair again.

'Thanks, sweetie. I don’t know what I’d do without you.’ That made James smile widely and he was still beaming with pride when his dad came in with Mary. James winked at John and gave him the thumbs up to let him know he was okay. John smiled and did the same, which made James feel even prouder of himself. Paul frowned at them, but didn’t ask. He gave his wife a quick kiss on her cheek and helped her with the last bits.

        During breakfast there were many awkward silences which John tried to fill up as best as he could by talking about Julian and Sean. Paul however, didn’t say anything, apart from a few comments every now and then. John couldn’t blame him. He still remembered the times he had with Cynthia, when he and Paul had just gotten together. It had been nerve-racking and he had felt guilty towards her for most of the time, and it was even worse if he and Paul had just been together. Of course John could only guess what Paul felt now,  but he was certain that it was along the same line.

        Linda didn’t show in any way that she knew something. She seemed like herself and tried to keep the conversation she and John were having going, asking many questions and too sharing one or two stories about her children as she tried to get James to eat some fruit, which to John’s wonder, she managed quite well. John could see why Paul loved Linda as much as he did. She was great and John had liked her from the start. John felt a little bad about trying to steal her husband. She didn’t deserve it.

        As breakfast began to come to an end and Paul had made his last, bad, horrible joke, due to his poor state of mind, Linda probed the last piece of fruit in James’ mouth and told her daughter to go take a shower and get dressed if she wanted to come to the hospital. Mary soon disappeared from the kitchen. Linda chuckled, got up from her chair and started to gather all the dishes.

‘Let me help you with that, luv.’ Paul offered, but Linda told him “no”.

‘I’d rather you and John would go and get the children dressed. We should leave early since visiting hours will be over at three today.’ She told them both. Paul nodded and lifted James off of his seat and carried him out of the kitchen and into the hallway where he pretended to almost drop him before putting him carefully onto the ground.

‘I think I’ll stay here this afternoon, if you don’t mind.’ John told Linda as he stood up as well. Linda turned around with a surprised look on her face. John nodded down at his chest and right away Linda started to blush and nodded quickly.

‘Oh, right. Sure. Yeah, because of… yeah, okay.’ She stammered. John smiled thankfully at her and placed a hand on her shoulder, turning her towards him.

‘Thanks… and… please, talk to Paul. Something’s bothering him and I believe he needs to tell you about it.’ He told her. Linda stared at him for a bit, and John felt his heart speed up. She knew something. She knew something was the matter, though not yet what.

‘Yes. I- I noticed that. I’ll talk to him.’ She agreed. John smiled even wider at her.

‘Good. Well, I’m going to see if Paul needs any help.’ He told her.

‘Right.’

        John decided not to tell Paul that Linda was onto something. That she knew something was the matter with her husband. He didn’t want to worry him, and he seemed tense about everything already. Paul would talk to her more easily if he  wasn’t even more anxious than he already was. Though, Paul could talk to people with ease, even complete stranger, and swoon them with great ease, he did have trouble with people close to him. Always had. He had the tendency to lock things up inside of him and ignore everything that even as much as hinted at the fact that something was wrong. He had done the same when John had first started seeing Yoko. And Paul was not going to make the same mistake again. John was going to make sure of that and if that meant not telling Paul about Linda’s concerns, so be it. A little push in the right direction, however, couldn’t hurt.

        As John reached the upstairs, Paul just came out of the bathroom. His face and hair was wet.

‘What happened to you?!’ John asked with a laugh. Paul growled.

‘I put James in the bath. He splashed me wet.’ He mumbled, making John chuckle.

‘Aw, poor Paulie.’

‘Oh, piss off.’ Paul shot back before walking over to his and Linda’s bedroom where he got a towel and started to dry his hair. John followed him and watched him as he leaned against the door frame. He sighed and put his hands in the pockets of his, or Paul’s pyjama bottoms..

‘You should still talk to Linda, Paul.’ He told Paul, his voice a lot lower and much more serious than before. He could hear Paul sigh underneath the towel.

‘I know…’ He said as he threw the towel aside onto the floor and took of his sleeping shirt and pyjama bottoms and got changed into something more fitting to wear to the hospital, ‘I’m just waiting for the right time.’

‘What? Until she finds out your little soldier has a bit of a problem getting up?’

‘John…’

‘No, Paul. You have to. She’ll find out something is up sooner or later, so why not just get it over with?’ John asked. Paul stayed quiet for a few seconds,looked down, studied his hands and thought it over, until he sighed and rubbed his forehead.

‘I- it’s just… I don’t know what to say to her.’ He admitted, ‘I don’t want to hurt her, John. I tried telling her. In the car yesterday and when we got home, but I just couldn’t.’

‘You have to, Paul. The longer you wait, the harder it will get. Just sit her down and tell her about the early days, how it all started. Admit that there was more between us than just friendship.  She probably already had her suspicions, anyways. She’s clever. And then, just tell her. Easy and calm. Give her time to let everything sink in, and just say it.’

‘It’s not that simple.’

‘Do you think, I don’t know that? I had the same conversation with Cyn years back. I know how hard this is, Paul. But if she loves you, and she does, she’ll understand.’

‘I don’t know…’

‘Please, Paul. It isn’t fair to keep on lying, either.’ Now that seemed to get to Paul. Paul hated lying to people he loved and he hated for doing it. John could see it all in Paul’s widened, hazel eyes.

‘Just talk to her, Paulie. You’ll be fine. You don’t have to make a decision or anything. You just have to talk.’

‘Alright. You’re probably right. I’ll go talk to her.’ Paul gave in. John sighed in relieve.

‘Good,’ he said with a reassuring smile, ‘I’ll take care of the kids and you go ahead and talk to her. I’ll be in the garden when you’re ready.’ Paul nodded and put on the last pieces of clothing, before walking over to John and kissing him lightly on the lips.

‘Thanks, John.’ He told him. John simply smiled and kissed him back.

        Paul’s heart was racing inside his chest as he walked into the kitchen. Linda was reading the paper as she drank a cup of tea. She looked up as she heard Paul close the kitchen door behind him.

‘Hey. Everything alright?’  She asked him. Paul nodded with a weak smile.

‘Yeah. John’s getting them dressed now.’

‘Oh good. Did he tell you he’s staying here?’ Linda asked him as she drank a little tea. Paul nodded, walked over to his wife and sat down on the chair opposite her.

‘Yeah, he did. Listen, Lin. Can we talk?’

‘Oh, er… sure. What’s up? Is this what you wanted to tell me in the car last night?’ Linda asked. Paul blinked a few times, surprised she remembered and nodded.

‘Yeah… it is. Listen, Lin. I just… I love you and nothing changes that.’ He said, his voice sounding serious. Linda frowned at that, being confused already.

‘Well… Good… I love you, too.’ She told him. She even sounded confused. Paul sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before starting to play with them and stared at them so that he wouldn’t have to look at his wife. God, did he feel guilty.

‘No… that’s not… it’s not what I meant. I just want you to know that I love you and I will all my life, but…’

‘But, what?’ Linda asked, now sounding concerned. Paul took a deep breath and tried to relax, before looking up and locking eyes with Linda.

‘I… There’s a confession I have to make.’

‘A confession?’

‘Yeah, about me… and… and John.’ Paul stammered he could feel his hands starting to shake slightly. He held them even tighter in his hands, trying to hide it.

‘What is it…’

‘We… we err… before everything… when we just started to get a little fame, me and John, we… we…’

‘Yes?’ Paul looked down at the table and closed his eyes for a second. He needed to relax, but he knew he was probably shaking all over by now. He had to tell Linda. He had promised John, but… but he couldn’t…

‘Paul? What’s wrong. You’re shaking. What is it between you and John, luv. Please tell me, you’re scaring me here.’

‘It’s nothing, Lin. Just forget I said anything, okay?’ Paul heard himself say. He didn’t want to say it, well, he did, but he also didn’t, but he did. It was like he had no control over his mouth. He bit down his teeth as he finished, hoping Linda would indeed let it go.

‘What do you mean, forget what you said? How could I?! What’s wrong, luv. I’m here for you, okay. Like always.’ Linda urged him on. Paul sighed and shook his head.

‘Me and John… we… I don’t know… ugh… before… back in the day, we… Lin, you have heard the rumours.’ He said and looked at his wife with pleading eyes. He couldn’t say it. He just couldn’t.

‘What rumours?’ Linda asked. Paul rubbed his head.

‘About… about you know… I- I…’ He tried to continue, but just at that moment the door to the kitchen flew open and James came in, followed by his sister and John.

‘Sorry…’ John said as he picked James up with one arm. He gave Paul the look, which the latter choose to ignore.

‘I’ll take them outside. Sorry to interrupt.’ John apologised again. Linda smiled friendly at him and shook her head.

‘It’s fine, John.’

‘Right. Come on, kids.’ John said and beckoned Mary to come with him and James, who was trying to break free from John’s strong grip. Paul faked a smile and dug his nails into the skin of his hand and tried to relax his nerves and stop himself from overthinking. It didn’t work very well, though. He couldn’t tell Linda. Why should he upset her. Maybe… maybe she didn’t have to know. If John would go back to Yoko. John still hadn’t decided. Or so Paul guessed. Of course, he knew John was right. He had to tell her. It was only fair. But he couldn’t. He loved her too much. He couldn’t hurt her like that. Paul didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to tell Linda. He knew that no matter what he did, he would end up hurting her. One way or another. And he felt terrible.

‘Paul? Paul, darling. Are you alright?’ Linda suddenly asked him. Paul opened his eyes, which he hadn’t noticed he closed them, and looked straight into his wife eyes.

‘W-what?’ He asked. Linda cocked her head and placed the back of her hand gently against Paul’s cheek.

‘You look pale. Is everything alright?’ She asked again. Paul took a deep breath and was surprised by how irregular it was. He nodded.

‘Yeah.. fine… I just… I just need to get some air. Can we talk later?’ Paul asked, his voice almost as unsteady as his breathing.

‘Are you sure?’ Linda asked, sounding worried. Paul nodded and smiled at her.

‘Yeah. It wasn’t very important anyways. We can talk about it later. I just need some air. Excuse me.’ Paul said as he pulled away from Linda’s careful and caring touches. Linda frowned at that, obviously not believing it, but nodded nonetheless.

‘Yeah… sure. I’ll go and get ready. We can talk in the car. You just simmer down for a bit. It has been much for you the last few weeks.’  She said. Paul smiled thankfully at her and kissed her cheek sweetly.

‘Thanks, luv. But, really, it’s nothing.’ He said. Linda nodded. Paul knew she didn’t believe him. She was onto him. But still she didn’t say anything, knowing Paul needed time with things like this. Paul loved her because of that. But now he needed to think. He kissed her cheek once more before walking out of the kitchen and following John and his kids into the garden. His breathing was heavy. He really needed that fresh air.

Linda sighed to herself as she zipped up her dress. Paul was acting very strange lately. Ever since he had gotten that phone call that John had been shot he has been… tense and even somewhat cold to her. Of course, she knew he had his reasons. Your best mate getting shot, and in such a way he could have died, it must have been much harder on him than she could ever imagine. She had been there for him and taken care of him. She had let the children stay with family so they could go to New York to visit John in the hospital. She had seen how broken Paul had been, and that alone just by the realisation that he could have lost his friend forever. She had just hoped it would be fine now, now that he and John had made up and spend some time together. But it seemed that Stella’s broken arm had just come a few days to soon. Not that she blamed her. It was just a pity.

But now, Linda knew there was more to it than just that. With John joining them and John and Yoko’s problems. And Paul acting strange and saying they need to talk but never do or just stop half way. Something was going on. And Linda had her suspicions, she wasn’t stupid, she couldn’t be sure. She would try to talk to Paul in the car, like she promised John, who seemed strangely caring about his friend all of a sudden, and if Paul wouldn’t tell her anything, she would have to do it on her own. Surely she would be able to find something that would tell her what was going on. Truly going on. And if that didn’t work, she always could ask John. But only if it was truly necessary. If something was going between the two, she doubted he would say anything without Paul’s consent. However badly he would want to tell her, he wouldn’t. Couldn’t, perhaps.

Linda sighed once more, brushed her hair and straightened her dress before grabbing her hand back and going down stairs. Her husband and John were probably still in the garden with the kids. She hadn’t taken too long getting ready, if she said so herself. She was glad John wasn’t going to join them. Maybe some time apart was what they needed. Was what Paul needed to start talking to her. Linda wasn’t used to Paul keeping things from her. And she didn’t like it.


	13. Chapter 13

The drive to the hospital wasn’t long, but now it did feel like it. What had only seemed like mere minutes yesterday evening, now seemed like hours. Linda had turned on the radio, probably to make the ride less awkward and nerve-racking for them all, but it didn’t help. Paul’s heart was still beating fast inside his chest and his hands were gripping the steering-wheel tightly. He probably should have let Linda drive when she had offered. Paul mentally kicked himself.

‘Paul…’ Linda suddenly spoke as she turned the volume down, ‘We need to talk. You’re not being yourself.’

 

‘Then, what do you want me to say?’ Paul asked, his voice tight and low.

‘What has been upsetting you. Ever since you got back you…’

‘Yes?’ Paul asked, sounding a lot more hostile than he had wanted. Linda gave him a hard look which Paul could feel through his skin. He swallowed thickly.

‘You’re tense. You act weird. You say you want to talk but never do. You don’t talk. You make bad jokes. I haven’t even heard you laugh since you got back, Paul. This isn’t you. You haven’t even looked me in the eye.’ She told him.

‘I’ve looked you in the eye.’ Paul half grumbled as he took a turn left. Linda shook her head.

‘No, you haven’t. You looked at my face. Not in my eyes. There’s a difference.’ She said.

‘Well. It has been a bit much lately, you know. With all that has been going on.’ Paul shot back at her, ignoring her objection. He didn’t want to be like this to her, but he couldn’t help it.

‘I know. But after you went to see John… something changed. And I want to know what. I want to help you Paul. I want to understand. I need you to tell me if something’s wrong with you.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with me, Lin.’ Paul answered, trying to keep calm.

‘Whatever, Paul.’ Linda simply told him. Paul clenched his teeth and took a deep breath.

‘Can’t we just forget about everything? There’s nothing wrong.’  He asked hopefully, sounding tired and fed up.

‘Then what do you want to tell me?!’ Linda asked, her eyes wide. She looked desperate.

Paul knew he should tell her. She didn’t deserve this. But… there was always that but. If John wouldn’t want him, she would never have to know. And If John did split up with Yoko, what would he do. Just leave Linda? He couldn’t do that to her. He loved her. But he also loved John. Everything was just too damn complicated and messy and at this moment Paul couldn’t handle it.

‘It’s nothing, Lin.’ he told her. Linda shook her head.

‘I know you’re lying. I wish you’d understand that you could tell me everything.’ She said.

‘I do understand.’

‘Well, tell me, then.’

‘I said it was nothing.’

‘It doesn’t seem like nothing.’ She muttered, sounding pissed off.

‘Nothing does to you. We don’t have to share every little single insignificant detail of our lives, okay. This is none of your business.’

‘You’re my business.’ When Paul didn’t answer to that, Linda angrily wrapped her arms before her chest and looked out of the window.

‘Fine. Have it your way. Come and talk to me once you’ve figured yourself out.’ She said and continued to stay silent and ignore him pretty much for the rest of the way.

Paul only then realised the kids in the back had gone quiet and were looking with wide shocked eyes at their parents. Paul sighed and rubbed his forehead. He hated fighting with Linda. But he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say or how to act. Everything was too complicated. He needed time. Time to think and plan ahead. He never was the guy who would just do anything in a whim. He always had to plan ahead. Even if that wasn’t possible. He always needed some kind of plan.

As the reached the hospital no one had spoken in the car. Linda had eventually put the music louder again. Even the kids hadn’t said a thing. Paul had constantly looked at them. He felt bad. He was selfish for thinking about starting over with John again. He had a family. He loved his family. And the looks on the kids’ faces, had been quite a shock. Somehow he had thought this was about him, John and Linda, but it was also about the kids. They deserved a normal family. He had promised them that, since he hadn’t had that. Mary was almost thirteen now. Almost the same age he had been when… Paul took a deep breath and parked the car. He couldn’t deal with this. He had to talk to someone. But he didn’t know whom. John would just tell him to speak with Linda, but he couldn’t because what if Linda made him choose… what if Linda didn’t approve and made him either give her and the family up or John. He could never choose. Everything was too difficult. He bit his lip and faked a smile at his wife.

‘We’re here.’ He said, his voice sounded broken. Everyone noticed.

John put Paul’s guitar away. It had been a while since he had played it upside down, but he had managed. He had needed to take his mind of everything. It was all very complicated. He realised that. And he knew how hard it probably was on Paul, but the man needed to talk to his wife. John could feel Linda was onto something. There was something in the way she looked at him and even Paul that was calculating and a little mistrusting. The sooner Paul spoke to her, the better. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He wished things weren’t as they were. He wished it was like before. No wives and families, well not like this. Paul was a very loyal and trustful person, no matter his affairs. They didn’t matter. But this… this was different. John knew Paul felt guilty. He didn’t deserve someone like Paul. He truly didn’t. If only he didn’t love him as much as he did.

It had been a few days since Yoko had gone to wherever she had gone. John wondered if she had returned home yet. She hadn’t said how long should would be gone. It could be days, it could be weeks. He didn’t know. What if she came home and he wasn’t there. She might be worried, John thought. He decided to call home, to see if she was there. He needed to phone Julian still anyways. He hadn’t done it before, since he had fallen asleep right after they had gotten here. He hadn’t had the time until now. He picked up the phone and dialed his own number.

It rang. It rang. It rang. It rang again. No one answered. John growled in frustration and put the phone down again. He had really hoped she had been home. He could have told her about him and Paul and discuss the situation, maybe even ended whatever they had and then he could have told Paul they could tell Linda, if Paul would have him. God, it shouldn’t be like this, John decided. It really shouldn’t. He took a deep breath and dialed Julian’s number.

‘Hello?’ A female voice answered. John took in a sharp breath before answering.

‘Hey, Cyn. It’s me. John.’ He said. He smiled weakly, even though he knew Cynthia wouldn’t be able to see it. After all these years, talking to Cynthia still seemed strangely familiar and comfortable.

‘Oh, hi! Erm… how are you?’ She asked him.

‘I’m fine, thank you. Can I- Can I talk to Jules? I promised I’d call.’ John replied.

‘Right. Sure. Hold on.’

‘Dad?’ Julian’s voice came after a lot of strange noise. John smiled even broader.

‘Hey, Jules.’ He greeted his son.

‘You landed okay, then?’

‘Yeah. I would have called sooner, but… you know… things never go as planned.’

‘Oh, that’s okay. Really… I’m busy, anyway. Mum is over for the weekend since I promised she could stay at my place while I was over at your place.’ Julian answered. John groaned as he heard the slight annoyed undertone in his son’s voice.

‘I’m really sorry, Jules. I’ll make it up to you, really. Are er… are you okay? You didn’t tell your mother, did you?’

‘Told her what?’ Julian asked with a slight chuckle, that almost went unnoticed.

‘Funny. About… you know. Me and Paul.’ John clarified. Julian chuckled, louder this time.

‘No, dad. I didn’t. I thought, you could make it up by telling ma, though. But, yeah… I think you’re right. She knows already anyways. Ma knows everything about you.’

‘Ha, shouldn’t piss her off then.’ John joked, half hearted, knowing he already did. Luckily Julian ignored that remark.

‘Anyway, how’s Paul’s daughter? She doing fine?’ Julian asked. John nodded to himself.

‘Yeah, she’s fine. Paul and Linda are at the hospital right now. I thought I’d stay home and make a few calls. To be fair, hospitals still aren’t my most favourite place right now.’ He told his son. He twisted the cord between his fingers.

‘Hmm… I can imagine that. Good thing she’s good, though.’

‘Yeah… listen, I’d love to chat longer, but I still have a few things to take care off.’

‘Okay’

‘But, could you do something for me?’ John asked. Julian hummed in agreement.

‘Could you tell Yoko where I am if she calls. She doesn’t know I’m here. I didn’t leave a note. She’ll call you when she gets home. Tell her to call me here.’ John asked. His son hummed again.

‘Sure. No problems. Anything else?’ He asked.

‘Yeah, send meat.’ John laughed.

The remaining afternoon was relaxed. John had time to write a couple of lines of something that could be a song if he was lucky and inspect Paul’s record collection. To his surprise they still owned pretty much the same. John had felt a sudden warmth spread through him as he had noticed practically all his records were in there as well. All these years Paul had listened to him and paid attention to what he had been doing. That whole fight had really been stupid, if they couldn’t even leave each other alone after whatever they had ended. The same went for himself, of course.

But then, the family came back. The rooms of the house had immediately turned cold, that was how bad the tension was. John feared Linda hadn’t taken the news on him and Paul very well, until Paul told him that he hadn’t told her yet, when John had asked him. John felt surprised, but when he tried to ask further, Paul refused to say anything and left the room without another word. John was glad the kids had been outside.

Linda, of course, wouldn’t say anything either. She just told him Paul was acting really weird, but when John asked what she thought it was, she just shrugged.

‘Paul always has his mood every so often. I suppose with all that’s going on, it just got worse.’ She had told him, but John didn’t believe it. Her voice sounded too carefree comparing to her body language and the look in her eyes. She was worried, John could see. She knew something was up. And John had a feeling Linda thought it had something to do with him.

That evening everything was quiet in the house. Mary and James mostly stayed away from the adults until Paul went up to get them into bed. Linda watching something on telly and John was reading. He hadn’t had much time for that lately. Well since he got shot. Also, John found that his itch had returned. He wanted to scratch, but Linda glared at him everytime he tried to.  She scared him a little when she did that, so John gripped the edges of his book tightly in order to keep himself from scratching.

‘I’m tired. I think I’ll go to bed early. Read a little before bed.’ Linda pronounced as

her husband came back. John noticed a brow of Paul lifting at that, but the man himself didn’t say anything.

‘Sure, Linda. Good night, then.’ John said, but no one seemed to hear him. Linda stared at Paul and Paul tried to look away, but somehow couldn’t.

‘Night.’ John repeated. This time Linda turned to look at him and smiled.  She got up and picked out a book from the large bookshelf. John couldn’t see the title or author but it wasn’t very thick and didn’t seem very expensive. He guessed it was probably something light. He doubted Linda was actually going to read it though.

‘Thanks John. Paul. Good night.’ Linda said and walked out without giving her husband a goodnight kiss or whatever. John sighed and looked down into his book, but he didn’t read. He heard her go up.

‘I fucked up.’ Paul suddenly spoke. It had almost been inaudible, if it wasn’t for the fact that the only noise in the room was the ticking clock. John looked up at his friend in surprise.

‘You okay?’ He asked, not sure he heard Paul correctly. Paul sighed and sat down on the couch next to John. He took his head in his hands and groaned in frustration.

‘Why am I doing this?! Why can’t it be easy for a change. I’m loosing her, and hurting her, but only because I don’t want to hurt her. I… I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t.’ Paul spoke, though John didn’t know if he was talking to him or himself. Still, he wrapped an arm around his mate and pulled him in against him for a hug.

‘She’s mad at me. She… I don’t want to lose her, John. Not another one.’ Paul whispered, ‘I’m breaking up this family if I’m going to be with you. I can’t do that to my children, John.’ ‘You won’t, Paul.’ John told him, just because that’s what he needed to hear. John doubted if it was the truth.

Linda rolled around the bed. She just couldn’t get comfortable. The conversation with Paul in the car spooked through her head and kept her from closing an eye. She knew Paul wasn’t telling her everything. She knew a lot more was up than it just being one of Paul’s moods. She knew the differences. And this wasn’t that. This was something a lot more. But she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She knew he felt guilty, though. She had seen that. It was pretty obvious with how he acted around her. She knew it had something to do with John, too. Else, he wouldn’t be here. Not after all this time. It wouldn’t make sense. But, Linda just couldn’t put one and one together. It couldn’t be that. It just couldn’t.

She sighed and rolled onto her side again to look at the clock. It was already very late. One in the morning. And Paul still hadn’t come to bed. Linda knew what that meant. She sighed again for the umptheeth time and rubbed her eyes. Ever since they started living together they had made an agreement not to go to bed angry. It would only make things worse. She guessed, Paul now took that agreement a little differently than they had meant it to be. Instead of talking it over, he just didn’t come to bed. He would probably sleep on the couch or something. Or with John. She shook her head. It couldn’t be that. It had to be something else. She’d go investigating once she had the house to herself. She’d send the two men out to do some shopping or whatever. There had to be something that would tell her what was going on. Because when Paul wouldn’t tell her anything, it was either something very bad, or he just made everything bigger than it was. Either way, he needed a little push. Like when The Beatles had broken up. If Paul wouldn’t tell her, she’d find answers herself to help him. She was obliged to.


	14. Chapter 14

It wasn’t until two days later that Linda managed to get both Paul and John out of the house. The hospital had called that morning. Stella could go home. She still had to wear the plaster around her arm, but as long as she didn’t do anything too stressful with it, she would be okay. The bone had started to heal well after the minor operation. Of course, both she and Paul had been relieved.

 

            The tension around the house had lowered as well. After that evening when Paul had slept on the couch, he had slept in the same bed with her again. He had told her he was sorry, and Linda had decided not to ask further. Paul would come to her when he was ready. Or else Linda would have figured out what was the matter by herself. She knew Paul wouldn’t be angry at her for snooping around, trying to figure it out by herself. Paul knew that she could help him, but most of the time didn’t know how to tell her. It was for his own good.

            So, when she handed Paul his jacket and the car keys so he and John could pick Stella up, she felt quite relaxed. Soon she’d know what was going on, she hoped and everything would be easier.

‘Me and John will do some shopping on our way back as well, so you won’t have to, okay?’ Paul asked as he slipped on his coat. Linda smiled at him.

‘Thanks. Don’t let John drive, though.’ she said. John snorted at that, but didn’t say anything. He knew he was a bad driver. Still, that was no reason for them to bring it up every single time he stepped into a car.

‘Won’t, luv. I don’t want to die quite yet.’ Paul joked and John smacked the back of his head, just because he could. Paul ignored the blow and just kissed  his wife’s cheek and grabbed John’s arm to drag him out of the house.

‘We’ll be back in a hour of two.’ He promised.

            The kids were outside, doing whatever they were doing. Linda didn’t really care much. They knew they weren’t supposed to leave the garden. They knew better than that. And Mary would keep James in line. They would be fine. The gate was locked, anyway. And besides, Linda had something else on her mind right now. She guessed that if her slight suspicions were right, she would be able to find something about her husband and John in his old stuff. They had stored it upstairs in the attic. She remembered him going there in the years after the break-up. Most of the time, he’d lock himself in there and come out again after a couple of hours. Linda had never felt the urge to know what her husband did there. That was his place, she remembered herself thinking. He deserved a little bit of privacy in that hectic life he lead in which hardly anything was private. But now, things were different. Now she needed to know. Linda took a deep breath and opened up the hatch to the attic. Carefully she climbed the ladder.

            Upstairs it was dirty and cramped. The whole room was filled with boxes and old scruffy trunks with god knows what in them. Linda even recognised some old curtains that she had brought with her after she and Paul had bought this house. They were lying under a large pile of books. Linda didn’t recognize the titles. She sighed and sat down carefully on the dirty floor. Her jeans were already covered in dust. It had been a while since Paul had been up there. And apart from him, no one ever came here. But the dust wasn’t even the worst. It even smelled of dusty old, stuff. She wouldn’t be surprised if there lay a stinking dead rat somewhere. Though, she certainly didn’t hope she’d run into it. She took another deep breath and decided to skim through everything as quickly as possible, so that she could leave this place as soon as possible.

            Still, it took her about a good forty minutes before she found something Beatles related around. She had found lots of books, old records, old stuff of Paul’s when he was younger. A couple of photos of him and his family as a child. She found old clothes and even the clothes she and Paul wore at their wedding. She found old notebooks filled with drawings, notes, half-finished songs, and even poems. But then she found a different kind of notebook. It wasn’t Paul’s, she saw by the handwriting. She recognized it faintly but it wasn’t until she saw a drawing she realised it was John’s. She saw a few lines that would later have become great songs. She saw some low quality photos of people she didn’t know. She saw photos of those random people with John or him and Paul. She saw a lot, but only one thing really caught her eye. It was a photo. Of a seventeen-year-old Paul playing guitar somewhere outside. She couldn’t recognize the place, but that didn’t matter. It wasn’t the photo that was so different from the others, it was what John had written under it in that messy handwriting of his. It was only one word. It said: Mine. She guessed Paul would have looked at the photo a lot back in the day.

            The tiny caption had awoken something within Linda. She felt different. She couldn’t quite lay a finger on how she felt exactly, but she felt different. She felt… strangely calm. She stared at the photo for a few seconds before closing the notebook and laying it aside. She might hang on to it for a little longer. She licked her lips and dug back into the carton box. This had only been the first thing she had gotten out of it. Who knew what else lay in there. She got out a large, book bound in leather. She opened it carefully. It was a photobook. She immediately recognized her husband. He was wearing his leather gear and couldn’t have been older than twenty in the picture. She turned the page. As she spotted a photo of John laying on the bed, glasses on his nose, reading the newspaper and wearing a beret, she was certain. This was from when they had hitchhiked to Paris. She remembered both John and Paul talking about that holiday with enthusiasm. John had said he still missed those days, which she supposed said a lot, now she thought about it.

            She skimmed through it. Most of the photos she hadn’t ever seen before. Some she had. They seemed happy in the pictures. Young and free. Ambiguous. Rebellious.  She smiled as she saw them in a picture with their German friend, Jürgen, goofing about. Paul still wore his hair in his Elvis Presley style, so she guessed it was from the first few days. She turned a few pages more until she saw a picture that caught her eye in a very different way. It was a dark photo, but Linda could clearly see who was on it.

            On the photo, John lay asleep on the single bed, probably at the hotel. His hair was ruffled and his cheeks were slightly dark. Probably he was a little flustered from something. A thin blanket lay across John’s lower belly and upper thighs. She could see a little bit of fabric of John’s boxer-briefs but apart form that he was naked. The photo was taken up close. Linda could see the photographer had been sitting on the end of the bed, one of John’s feet probably laying on his lap, judging by the angle and how John’s leg was lifted up slightly by something out of the frame. The picture was beautiful, Linda had to admit. Very intimate and spontaneous. Something Paul could have taken had he been in the mood. The thought made Linda’s throat dry. She swallowed thickly and moved on.

            There were a lot more photo’s. Not all from Paris, also a few from after they returned. She saw a few of George and even Ringo and Stuart. They were all very young. Linda could understand why her husband would have wanted to look at these when he had been in that difficult time. Linda found a few more of John and Paul together, taken by each other or someone else, but none had been so telling as the one of John.

She sighed to herself and rubbed her forehead. She wondered how long she had up been here already. She should have worn a watch so she could have kept an eye on the time. Of course, she hadn’t expected the attic to be this full. She closed the photobook and laid it back in the box. But then she saw an old envelope. Probably a letter. Paul and her address was written on it in a neat handwriting. She put got it out before laying the book down. She felt her heart speed up like crazy inside her chest as she opened it. She could see it had been opened a lot of times before, due to the tears at the edges. She took a deep breath and carefully took out the letter. The paper was fragile. She could see old stains from dried-out tears on it and she swallowed. This must have been the reason for Paul coming here as much as he had. She had never seen this letter before. She realised that might seem ridiculous, seeing as how many letters one receives in a year, never mind in a lifetime, but there was something about the letter that seemed foreign and even forbidden. She traced the edges of the paper carefully with a finger and took a deep breath before unfolding it. It wasn’t long. Linda started to read it.

_Dear Paul,                                                                                                      June 18th, 1971_

_I hope you’re happy. No, really. I do hope so. Linda seems perfect for you. Lovely, clever, artistic, understanding, loving. She truly deserves you, Macca. Even if  I don’t. Not anymore, at least. I can only hope you’ll believe me when I tell you that you deserve to be happy. I wish I could have been the one to make you that. I don’t regret what we had. You don’t either, so don’t try telling me otherwise. What I do regret, however, is hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you, Paul. Never. And I’m sorry I did hurt you. I’m sorry I messed things up. I’m sorry for being the idiot that I am. I regret that we became too competitive.  I regret ruining our relationship. I regret being a jealous git. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I was still with you, lying next to you and sniffing in the warm smell of honey of your shampoo. I wish I could change what happened, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I still love you. I shan’t make this any more difficult, so.. I’ll miss you. Happy Birthday. Goodbye._

_John._

            Linda couldn’t remember what exactly had made her think that there might be something more going on between the two friends than just a close friendship. She guessed it had been everything together. From what she had seen in the last years of their companionship in The Beatles, to the stories she had heard, to the break-up, to the years after, to John getting shot and Paul’s reaction, to Paul’s desire to make up with John after all those years, to John coming back with him and supporting him, to seeing them together again and how close they still are. Everything. And now this. Somewhere she had always known. But now she was certain. Paul McCartney and John Lennon… A couple. They had been and were again now. Linda quickly put everything away again, right where she had found it, just in case, before coming back down. Her feet had barely touched the ground or she heard the front door open.

            They celebrated Stella’s return home with homemade sweet potato fries, homemade applesauce, caramelized green beans with garlic and carrots. John had to admit, the McCartney family surely knew how to cook. It was delicious. He guessed eating vegetarian food wasn’t even half as bad as he had expected. It was good. Very good. If Paul and he ended up together, Paul had to teach him how to cook all this.

‘It’s really good.’ He complimented as he stuffed his mouth full with some more fries. Linda smiled at him as a thank you. John noticed something was different with Linda. She was more distant and but relaxed. John gave Paul a look, wanted to ask if he noticed something as well, but he was far too busy getting James to eat his veggies. Linda sighed from across the table. When John looked at her again, she was staring at her husband, but her eyes were glassy, as if she was in deep thought.

            ‘She knows something.’ John stated. He wasn’t completely sure if this was the case, but perhaps it was all Paul needed to talk to her. He still hadn’t and to be honest it started to get on John’s nerves. He felt jealous. He knew he had to try not to. It was what had gone wrong before, but it wasn’t like he could choose his feelings or something. And Paul was really dragging it out of him. Paul needed to man up and talk to her, or else John wasn’t sure what he was going to do when either Julian or Yoko would call to announce her return. If Paul wasn’t able to fight for it, John wasn’t sure if they would make it. This would be the easy part. The public. That was going to be the real obstacle in their newfound relationship.

Paul looked up from his book with a questioning hum.

‘Sorry?’ He asked.

‘She knows something, Paul. She’s onto something. I know it. I can feel it.’ John answered, ‘She figured something out when we were gone.’

‘How could you possibly know that?’ Paul asked, sounding both sceptical and hopeful.

‘She’s been looking at us weirdly. She’s oddly calm, but also rather tense physically. She knows something.’ John explained as he took a few steps closer to his lover.

‘You can’t know that. Women have their moods every so often, you know. Just like everyone else.’ Paul objected and looked back into his book in the hope John would leave. John, however, didn’t.

‘Paul, luv, you need to talk to her. You can’t keep this up. I know because I’ve been there. Sure, it was different, but I loved Cynthia, too. I know you don’t want to hurt her, but she’ll respect your choice much more if you are honest with her from the start. Women don’t like being lied to. Especially when they already know what’s going on. Believe me. I know.’ He said strictly. To hell with not making Paul nervous. It hadn’t worked so, being honest and straight about it was probably what would work with Paul. They guy wasn’t stupid. He probably knew all that already, but just needed to hear it.  

‘I know…’ Paul spoke.

‘You can’t deny to truth. She knows something. Perhaps even more than we think.’

‘I know! I just… It’s too hard! Too complicated!’ The younger man told John in a slightly raised voice, but John still kept on talking.

‘What  complicated? I thought you wanted us to be together? You’re the one who’s making this much harder than it is!’

‘It’s not me, John! It’s you. It’s her! It’s Yoko! It’s everyone!’ Paul told him. After the words left his mouth, it stayed awfully quiet in the room for a while.

‘Yoko?’ John asked finally. Paul looked up at the older man and nodded carefully.

‘I… I don’t know what you’re going to do… I’m putting my whole family, my life, in this bet of ours and you don’t have to. You… you… Everything depends on you. And… It’s not fair. I could lose everything by telling Linda about us, but now you… if you decide to leave me _again,_ you’ll still have Yoko. I maybe won’t. I could lose everything, John. I could ruin this whole family, and I don’t want that to happen. My kids, they have it hard enough as it is with me being famous and everything. They shouldn’t have to deal with a scandal as this. They deserve something normal in their lives. And I’m not sure if I can take that away from them by pursuing an old love. I was foolish coming to you. I should never have kissed you. I was being selfish.’ Paul admitted.

He felt a burden being lifted off his shoulders. After keeping all of this inside for so long, wanting to do nothing more than talk about it, it was out. He felt relieved and a lot more at ease. It wasn’t until he saw the shocked and hurt look in John’s eyes that he realised just what he had implied by admitting it all.

‘You regret it?’ John asked. Paul took in a sharp breath. He hadn’t meant it like that. He really hadn’t. He loved John. He wanted them to be together. He wanted them to get another chance. He just wanted to explain what he was dealing with. He wanted to let John know what he felt and how difficult this was for him. He hadn’t meant to make John think he didn’t want him or didn’t love him or regretted it. Never would he regret it. Perhaps he could have chosen his words a little more carefully, but he had thought John knew that.

‘That’s… I didn’t mean it like that.’ Paul said, his voice almost inaudible.

‘Then how, Paul? Please, how?’ John asked. He sounded truly hurt and Paul felt guilt creeping up inside of him, turning his stomach inside out and squeezing his gullet.

‘I- I love you, John. I don’t regret kissing you or coming over. All I’m saying is… I don’t know what I’m saying. It’s all fucked up. I just wished it didn’t have to be like this. I… Why can’t we have something simple for once? Why does everything we do have to blow up and come down onto us like a ten stone rock? Why can’t we have something easily for once? I love you, John. I love Linda. I love my family. They don’t deserve something like this to happen to them. I shouldn’t be selfish.’ Paul said.

He felt as if he could throw up any second. He felt strangely helpless. He rarely felt like that. He took his head in his hands and let himself drop to his knees on the ground. He stared down at the ground, hoping the feeling would go away. He flinched as he felt John lay a hand on his shoulder. The older man kneeled down next to him and wrapped an arm around him, pressing him closely against his chest. Paul buried his face in John’s shirt and held him close.

‘You’re not selfish, Paul. You’re the least selfish man I’ve ever met. I’m a selfish bastard, Paul.  I shouldn’t ask this of you. I can’t ask you to give up on so much and follow me around like a good dog while I… I’m the selfish one of us, Paul. I’m sorry.’

‘I just want things to be simple for once.’ John kissed his temple sweetly and manoeuvred them onto the couch where he continued to hold Paul close. They needed this.

            It had been a while since they had sat on the couch like this together. Not doing anything. Just sitting and listening to an old rock ‘n roll album. It felt like the old days again. Paul felt relieved he had told John what had been bothering him. He didn’t know what would happen now. Neither of them had opened their mouths since they had moved to the couch, but it didn’t matter. It was nice, not having to think about it for a while.

            Paul could feel John’s heart beating. The calm rhythm soothed him and for the first time since he had gotten home he felt truly relaxed. He smiled to himself.

‘I don’t know what to do, Paul.’ John spoke suddenly. His voice was weak and soft. The moment of peace was gone. Paul looked up at John, but the older man didn’t look down to meet his eyes.

‘I… I understand you’d want to be with your family. I can’t ask you to leave them for me, but… I don’t want to lose you.’ John continued. Paul supposed he knew how cheesy he sounded, but probably didn’t care. He kissing John’s chest lightly.

‘Thanks, John…’ Paul said, ‘But you’re right. I need to talk to Linda. But you need to make up your mind as well. I can’t leave them without knowing we’ll be okay. Linda would probably understand, you’re right about that, but like you also said, no one likes to be second choice. I can’t make a decision without knowing what you’re going to do. I thought I could, which was foolish I realise now, but I can’t. I can tell her, but I can’t choose for either one of you yet. I need to think.’ John nodded.

‘Okay.’ He said. Paul smiled and cupped John’s cheek in his hand, turning his head to face him. Once their eyes locked, Paul couldn’t look away anymore. He leaned in and placed a simple kiss onto John’s mouth.

‘I’ll talk to Yoko once she gets home.’ John promised as the kiss broke. Paul smiled and kissed him again, sealing their promise to each other.


	15. Chapter 15

It was just two in the morning when Linda woke up from her troubled dream. She groaned in annoyance as she realised this. Paul wasn’t asleep next to her, but she wasn’t surprised. Now that she had found out about the truth, it could only be a matter of time before either John or Paul would notice anything different about her. She supposed John had been quicker to catch up on what she knew than she had anticipated. It had to be John, of course. She had noticed how Paul wasn’t only distant towards her but also towards John since she had found them in bed on the very first morning. She refused to think about what happened before James had come to John’s room. She wasn’t sure if she could handle that just yet.

Linda wasn’t as surprised or shocked or disgusted even as she knew she should. For some reason the fact that her husband was catching up on some old love, and that that old love was no other than John Lennon, a man, didn’t upset her as much as it would have if it had been a woman. Perhaps even less. It wasn’t that she wasn’t upset about the whole thing. She loved Paul and really did not want to lose him. He married her. They were happy (save a few dark periods in their married life, but that wasn’t about them). He loved her. Did he? Yes, she knew he did. She could see he loved her in everything he did. Even in this. She knew Paul would only keep this from her so he wouldn’t hurt her. And he hadn’t. Not really. If Paul didn’t love her anymore, he would just have told her. He knew she didn’t have anything against homosexuality, and that she would respect his choice. But he did still love her, and he didn’t want to lose her. It was very sweet, really. Paul was a sweet man.

Downstairs it was cold. She could feel the draught creep over his skin. It was icy and unpleasant. Linda wrapped her cardigan better over his arms and shoulders. She had needed a glass of water. She felt kind of sick. Perhaps an aspirin was a good idea as well.

As Linda walked past the living room, she heard soft noises. Curiously, she tiptoed over to the door and carefully peeked inside. It was completely dark apart from the moonlight that shone through the widows. They hadn’t closed the curtains. John and Paul lay on the couch together, Paul with his head on top of John’s chest and his legs between John’s as John’s arms were wrapped tightly around him, holding him closely and seemingly keeping him from falling off the couch. Both were fast asleep. John’s mouth hung slightly open and she noticed some drool on his lip. Their hair was messed up and stuck out in all sorts of directions.  Linda sighed to herself and bit her lip. She knew she had to come to terms with what was going on, but the idea of losing Paul was a tough one.  She didn’t want it. Linda shook her head and walked farther and into the kitchen. She was losing Paul, she could feel it. She knew who he’d choose, even if perhaps he didn’t. It seemed pretty clear. But she was glad it was John to whom she was losing him. Even just sleeping together on the couch, they seemed like a good couple, she thought. It cheered her up, but only slightly.

That morning Paul woke up with John’s arms wrapped around him in a tight embrace. He felt safe and warm there and he rolled over onto his other side so he was facing John and curled up against his chest as he closed his eyes again. Just for once he wanted the world to wait for him and not having to think about everything. But alas, John stirred next to him and stretched himself like a cat before opening his eyes. Yet, Paul couldn’t be mad at him. He looked absolutely adorable with his messed up hair and sleepy eyes. Paul leaned up and placed a sweet kiss on John’s lips.

‘Morning.’ John muttered, his voice thick with sleep. Paul sighed and kissed him again. He had missed hearing that sleepy voice.

The day went by quickly and though Paul knew he had to talk to Linda, he was relieved there wasn’t that much weight on his shoulders anymore. Finally he could breathe freely again. It was warm and sunny outside and John and Paul spend most of the day in the garden with the kids and all of Paul’s stupid animals. John thought it was a miracle that he hadn’t kicked one of them yet. It was that Paul looked so at peace with them around that kept him from doing it, he supposed.

But then their peaceful afternoon was interrupted by Linda coming in the garden with a somewhat white face.

‘It’s for you, John. it’s… it’s Yoko.’ She told him. Both man looked up abruptly and stared at her for a while, before John took a deep breath, nodded and walked inside where the phone was waiting for him. Paul swallowed thickly as he watched John go, fearing already the worst. Linda came to stand next to her husband and sweetly laid a hand on his arm.

‘I know.’ She spoke softly, almost inaudible. Paul turned his head and stared at her with wide open mouth.

‘Sorry?’ he asked. Linda smiled weakly.

‘It’s okay, Paul. But we need to talk.’ She said, her voice gentle.

‘John?’ Yoko’s voice sounded from the other end of the line. John took in a deep breath and cleared his throat.

‘Yeah, it’s me.’ He answered. He heard her sigh. He closed his eye and leaned with his back against the wall, sliding down all the way so he was sitting.

‘Where are you?’ He asked. It stayed  quiet for a while before Yoko answered.

‘I’m home, John. The question is why are you where you are?’ She said. John shook his head and played with the cord of the telefoon.

‘You know what I mean.’ He said.

‘I do.’

‘Where were you, then?’

‘Away. Alone. I just needed some time away from us.’

‘How’s Sean?’ John asked. He didn’t want to talk about them. He didn’t want to, knowing already what Yoko’s reaction would be. But Yoko didn’t seem to share his feelings.

‘John, we need to talk. Come back, please.’ She asked kindly. John sighed.

‘I can’t. I’m at Paul’s. I can’t just leave, Yoko.’ He told her. She was silent for a while, probably taking in the fact that he didn’t drop everything he had to come to her. Those days had long been gone, but Yoko still liked to believe that he would.

‘Why not?!’ She asked, sounding rather hurt.

‘I’m sorry, Yoko.’ He said, meaning about the fact that he couldn’t come right away, but Yoko apparently knew him better than John himself.

‘John? What’s going on there?’ John took a deep breath. This was it. He’d better get it over with. And being away from Yoko was probably a nice advantage, since he wouldn’t have to deal with her anger and pain right away.

‘John?’ Yoko asked again after what had apparently been a long pause.

‘Do you remember when I told you I had experimented in the Beatles-years?’

‘Experimented? Experimented with wha- oh! oh…’ Yoko’s voice came from the other end. John felt his heart racing inside his chest. Pumping hard and fast as if it was trying to go through John’s chest.

‘John, please don’t tell me… please… Tell me it’s not Paul.’ Yoko pleaded, her voice quiet. John just sighed, shrugged but didn’t say anything, knowing that mere silence would answer for him.

‘Oh my…’ Yoko breathed in shock.

‘I’m sorry, Yoko.’ John told her, ‘I’ll come as soon as I can so we can talk.’ But the line was disconnected without another word from Yoko’s side and John wondered whether or not she had heard him.

As John walked back into the garden, it remained awfully quiet. Paul was sitting on top of a short brickwall, playing with his fingers in his lap as he swayed his legs back and forth like a child. He’s face stood serious and he seemed almost scared. He looked up as he heard John walk over to him.

‘You okay?’ John asked carefully as he studied Paul’s face. Paul smiled weakly.

‘Shouldn’t I ask you that?’ he asked. John remained silent and just waited for Paul to speak.

‘She knows, John. Everything. She knows.’ Paul confessed after a long moment of silence. John sighed and hopped on the wall next to his… whatever Paul was now.

‘I didn’t even have to tell her. She just told me she knew. She had found these old things up in the attic that revealed to her what really went on between us all those years and again now. It proved her suspicions.’ Paul explained as he stared down at his fingers.

‘What did she say?’ John asked softly. Paul shrugged.

‘She… she told me she knew and that it was okay. That she had always known there was something she didn’t know about and that everything made sense now,’ A smile crept sneakily on his face as he continued, ‘She still loves me, John. Even now she knows about us. She told me she hoped I would make a decision that made me happy and that she’d be there for me, no matter who I’d choose.’ John stared at him with wide eyes, not quite believing Linda was actually that supportive of them.

‘Wow…’ He said, ‘That’s… that’s unbelievable. Great for you. You won’t lose her now.’

‘Is it, John? Is it? How is this great?! How is this suppose to help me! I already couldn’t choose between you and her and now she’s being supportive of us as well! To be honest, John, I would rather have had her yelling at me and shouting at me kicking me out of the house, saying I’m disgusting and that she never wants to see me again, than being bloody supportive! I can’t do it, John! How could I possibly choose between you two? I can’t make everybody happy. I can’t split myself into two!’ Paul exclaimed angrily.

‘You can’t please everyone, Paul! You can’t! Okay! You have to choose for yourself. Stop thinking about me or Linda or even your kids. Don’t think about anyone in the world except yourself and imagine yourself in half a year and tell me with whom you see yourself. Me? Or Linda? You need to choose for yourself, Paul. You deserve to be happy and with the person you love most. You can’t keep this life up if you have to please everyone. You deserve to be selfish, too, for once, Paul!’ John told Paul sternly in a raised voice. Paul stared at him with wide eyes and swallowed thickly before jumping off the wall.

‘I can’t, John. I’m sorry.’ He whispered, before walking away.

‘Paul! Come back here! Please, Paul! You freaking idiot!’ John called after him, but Paul wouldn’t listen and just walked back into the house and closed the door behind him. John kicked the wall in frustration.

Paul lay in his back on the bed, his hands wrapped together under his head. He sighed deeply as he stared up at the ceiling. He knew John was right. He couldn’t please everyone. After all these years he should have realised that, but that didn’t mean he had it in him to be selfish. Always he felt obliged to do something or not to do something. He had a family to think about he. He was famous. He had a reputation. He couldn’t afford to act selfish. Perhaps John could. John never felt much for authority or other people’s opinions. He liked doing what people wouldn’t expect and drag emotions and reactions out of them. He liked to rebel and do things differently. It was what he did. Always had. But not Paul. He always followed his dad’s wishes and wanted to live up to his expectations, same went for Brian. He had been the one to agree as first with his suggestions, like the suits and a more clean-cut image. And now he had his family. It was like some kind of curse rested on him.

But now he had to choose. He didn’t have a choice. He couldn’t go on like this. He should be glad that Linda was so supportive. That she was willing to let him  go and be happy with John if he so wished. That she would still let him visit them and even stay friends for as far as that was possible. And that she wouldn’t kick him out and still love him and stay with him if he chose her. He sighed, closed his eyes and rolled onto his side. He had tried to do as John had asked him. Imagine his life in half a year, but Linda kept morphing into John and John into Linda. It drove him nuts.

After a few more minutes there was a knock on his bedroom door and Paul’s eyes snapped open.

‘Paul, luv? It’s me. John.’ A voice came. Paul groaned and remained quiet.

‘Come on, I know you’re in there. I need to talk to you.’ John tried again with another knock. Paul closed his eyes again and gripped at the sheets, as he mouthed little pleas that asked John to leave him alone for a while longer.

‘Paul. I don’t want to do this through the door.’ John pleaded, but Paul didn’t move.

‘Fine, but I take your silence as an agreement everytime I ask you something.’ John warned with an unsure chuckle. Paul agreed by saying nothing. He felt thankful enough that he didn’t have to see John at the moment.

‘I have to leave, Paul. I need to get back to New York. I- I was going to tell you this before, but… Yoko is back home. She called and I told her about us. She… she seemed shocked. I- I have to go back and talk to her. Actually. If you’ve made your decision and wish to stay with me, I’d like you to come with me. You won’t have to stay there after it all. It’s just… I’d like you to be there with me, Paul. I’m not sure if I can trust myself, you know? But, if you’d wish to stay with Linda. Here, then I guess you don’t have to. So, my question is… Are you coming with me?’


	16. Chapter 16

John tried his best to at least get some kind of rest as he sat on the plane back home to New York. He tried not to think about would happen when he’d walk into his clean white apartment. It was part of his getting-some-rest-plan. It had worked perfectly up until John had finished his book. He guessed this was how Paul had felt when they had gone to his home a little less than a week ago. But he stopped himself from thinking about that. Another thing he had promised himself not to think about. Paul. But John couldn’t keep himself from wondering what Paul would be doing that moment as he stared out of the window at white nothingness.

As Paul awoke he felt an odd feeling in his abdomen. He smiled sleepily to himself as he realised he had woken up with a hard-on. It hadn’t happened since he had passed being twenty. Not like this anyways. He was already fully hard and dripping. Paul couldn’t remember what he had dreamed about, but he guessed it had been pretty intense. He yawned to himself and lazily let his hand move down his chest, before cupping his erection through his pyjama pants and giving it a squeeze. He groaned and let his eyes fall close as he stroked himself up and down in a slothful manner. A leg fell sluggishly off the bed, and Paul felt no urge whatsoever to move it back up. Instead he moved his hand under the waistband of his pants and took his bare erection in his hand and started to fully touch himself and letting himself approach an orgasm idly with languid movements and teasing little stimulating tapps of his fingertips. In his mind he saw John laying next to him, his lips moving against Paul’s ear and he hotly breathed into it as licked the shell and brought Paul closer and closer to his orgasm with his skillful fingers. It wasn’t until he had released himself in his hand that he realised John wasn’t there with him anymore and that he would probably never experience such a thing in his life again. He started to silently sob to himself.

That day Paul didn’t do much. He showered, had breakfast, helped Mary with her math homework, remembering again how much he had disliked it when he had been the one having to do it and how lucky he had been when he had found John’s friendship. Again he felt a slight sadness come over him, but he pushed it back deep inside himself and refused to think about it. Apart from that, he did grocery shopping, got himself a new set of guitar strings since he was in the neighbourhood anyway with nothing better to do and mowed to lawn until it started to rain, and then set down his with kids at the telly and watched something he didn’t understand a word of, but his kids apparently loved. He guessed it was supposed to be funny since neither of his girls stopped giggling and pointing things out, but apart from that it could have been one whole depressed funeral scene as far as Paul could tell. Once it was nearly time for Linda to come home, he went to the kitchen and prepared dinner. It was quiet at the table and it was noticeable that John was gone, but no one dared to ask or say anything about it.

That night Paul went to bed early. He fell asleep quickly and was awoken briefly as he felt his wife get into the bed with him, slipping in besides him under the covers. Paul turned to her and kissed her goodnight with a sweet smile before lying back down and trying to fall asleep again, but he couldn’t. It stayed awfully quiet in the room for a while, before Linda opened his mouth.

‘I know John is back home to see Yoko, but…’ She started, ‘Why aren’t you with him?’

‘I made my choice.’ Paul answered dryly.

‘What?!’ Lind asked, her voice a lot louder than before.

‘I’m not with John, because I chose not to be with him, but with you.’ Paul clarified.

‘I… I don’t know what to say.’ Linda told him, her voice sounding awestruck, but perhaps not in the good way.

‘Don’t say anything,’ Paul told her, ‘I just need some time.’

‘You fucking dimwit.’ Linda muttered, but Paul didn’t hear.

John arrived at the airport in the early morning hours. He had managed to get some sleep, but he still felt tired and like a walking corpse. As he got his passport checked for the last time before he could claim his baggage, he thought about the past. He thought about Paul and him and the sexual tension that hung around them when they had gone to Hamburg. How John had realised his feelings for the younger man and how he asked the man with knocking knees and sweaty palms to join him on a hitchhiking trip to Spain through Paris. Of course they never made spain. He thought about them together and how that one evening everything had just exploded and he had felt the younger man’s plumb, sweet lips against his own in a heated kiss for the first time. John could have sworn his heart had stopped as they kissed. As he closed his eyes, he could still feel the pressure of Paul’s lips against his own and the younger man’s fingernails digging in his right shoulder and his left bicep. Apart from his wedding day with Cyn and the birth of his children it had been the most beautiful and wonderful day in his life. Right above getting his first guitar from his mum and his wedding to Yoko, which had been right with Cyn’s had it not been for the terrible reaction of the crowd and the hate from his so called fans.

He thought about them sneaking around and hiding from their family and friends and their first time getting caught by no other than Paul’s father, who had not been happy with seeing John, the cause for all the bad things that happened to his son, snogging that said son. Of course, things could have been much worse. And soon he was supportive, somewhat. Paul really was lucky with such a loving father. He remembered Paul sticking up from him then and explaining that John wasn’t abusing him or mistreating him, but that he loved him. It hadn’t been the first time John had heard Paul use that particular word and his name together in a sentence before, but hearing him say it to someone else with such confidence and even pride for as far as that could those days, was amazing and quite beyond believe. John had felt loved and adored and he loved Paul for doing that and making him feel that way. He wondered if he ever told him that. He hoped so.

Back in the day they used to say that it was the people, society, keeping them apart. That, if it was common and expected, they wouldn’t have had the troubles they had. That they would have simply accepted whom they were and that the people would, too. John had once promised Paul that if the time would come that it was legal and possible for them to marry, John would ask Paul, and Paul would say “yes”. It had been silly and childish, completely irrational and naïve. But still, when queer relationships had been made legal, John had bought him a ring, saying that even though they could not marry, it was a step in the right direction. Paul had smiled at that, but the time had not been right, with both their relationships going off track.

But now, John thought that perhaps it wouldn’t have made a difference. Because even now, with it being expected and people coming out freely and admit they are different in that particular way, they still parted. Perhaps they just weren’t meant to be, and this would save them both a lot of hassle and time. That’s what John made himself believe, because he couldn’t handle it being differently and that perhaps he was making the same mistake all over again.

He lifted up his bag and turned his head to stare at his hand with a puzzled look on his face. He couldn’t remember how he gotten past security and he guessed he must have looked like a dufus staring into nothingness or something. He sighed to himself, shook his head, tightened his grip on the bag and walked off, trying to remember where in hell he had parked his car.

In the end John ended up with taken a cab. He had found his car, but given up on the idea of driving himself after he had spend almost fifteen minutes trying to find his key. He guessed it had to be somewhere in his bag, but he hadn’t been able to find it there either, so instead he told the cabbie his address and not to mess around or talk to him, since he wasn’t in the mood. The cabbie, being obviously too star-struck to object to anything John said, nodded quickly and drove off and away at a speed that got even John checking the meter.

After almost an half an hour of being stuck in a traffic jam the cabbie couldn’t help himself anymore, though.

‘So, pardon me for asking, but where have you been, Mr Lennon? We haven’t heard much from you since that horrible day.’ He asked, his voice sounding tight as his knuckles turned white from gripping the wheel to hard from being nervous about driving no other than John Lennon on a regular monday morning. John took pity on the guy, and instead of telling him off, he answered.

‘Well,’ he said, ‘Getting shot isn’t all that fun as it sounds. I needed rest and catch up on some old relations.’ John smiled weakly into the rear mirror at the rather fat cap driver, somewhere in his mid-thirties. The guy nodded at that.

‘May I ask whom?’ He asked carefully. John’s careful and forced smile turned into a real authentic Lennon grin at the question.

‘Paul. We go way back and he visited me at the hospital as you undoubtedly know, what with it being in the papers and all. Nothing is private anymore, these days.’ John continued talking even as the man started to almost hyperventilate at the mention of Paul. It was somewhat amusing, if John was completely frank. He couldn’t help but chuckle to himself.

The man stayed quiet after that, however, probably not daring to ask any further, for with John was grateful. It only took them about one half an hour longer before they reached his apartment. John paid him in cash, scribbled his autograph on a gum wrapper, since that was all he had to work with, got his bags and got out and away. The building before him doomed over him and made him feel tiny and scared. Yoko would be up there, probably asleep in their bed with Sean in the room next to her or watching telly. John didn’t know the time. He took a deep breath and waited until the cabbie had pulled away before he started walking, not wanting that guy to know how wobbly he walked when he was nervous.

Rain was coming down hard when Paul awoke again. Linda was still in bed, her head laying on his chest and a arm protectively holding his shoulder. One of his own hands was in her hair. It was still so soft. Paul was once again struck by how lucky he was to have such a beautiful, clever and wonderful wife. She was everything he could ever want. Should ever want. He turned his head to look at the clock. It was almost six o'clock, but he didn’t feel sleepy anymore. John would’ve landed by now and would probably be getting his luggage by now. Paul carefully rolled Linda over onto her side and pressed light kiss on top of her head, before slipping out of bed, pulling on a robe and going downstairs. Everyone should still be asleep so he could have some time to himself.

As soon as Linda awoke and found her husband not lying next her, she felt worried. She got out of bed, put on her robe and walked downstairs. It was still awfully quiet in the house. Not even James was up yet. She found Paul sitting at the breakfast table with a cup of coffee, reading the paper and briefly Linda felt stupid for thinking something was wrong right away. She sighed with relief and greeted her husband as she walked in and too got a cup of coffee.

‘How are you feeling?’ She asked as she sat down opposite of Paul. Paul looked up at her and shrugged.

‘Paul…’ Linda pleaded.

‘I told you… I just need some time.’ He sighed quickly. Linda shook her head and took one of Paul’s hand in hers.

‘Do you want to know what I think of all this?’ She asked. Paul didn’t say anything, but a curious shine in his hazel eyes, told Linda everything she needed to know.

‘I think you’re an idiot. And John as well for letting you be one and letting you go away. Again. And letting him lose you, again.’ She told him. Paul blinked a few times at that, not believing what he was hearing.

John knocked on his door three times, even though he had a key. He heard muffled voices behind the door and the metal sounds of keys knocking against keys through the door. He took in a deep breath, and mentally prepared himself for something about what he had no idea what was going to happen, when and how. He felt oddly helpless and alone. He wished he had someone with him to hold his hand, like a child would want her mums to hold hers as she went to the doctor for the first time. He took in a sharp breath and the their was a click of the door unlocking. The door swung open slowly.

‘John,’ Yoko said, his voice monotone, ‘come on. I hadn’t expected you hear so soon.’ She stepped aside to let John in and kissed his cheek as he did so.

‘Things didn’t work out as well as I had hoped.’ He told her. Yoko nodded and beckoned John to put his bags on the floor and asked him if he wanted something to drink.

‘Tea would be lovely.’ He answered. Yoko nodded and went to get them so tea. John took off his coat and shoes and fixed his hair in the mirror before walking into the living room. He remembered when he had been there with Paul on the couch, snuggling and snogging even. Sean wasn’t around.

‘Where’s Sean?’ John asked.

‘Still in his room.’ Yoko answered from the kitchen. John frowned at that, being certain he had heard voices when he had been waiting for the front door to open. But then the bathroom door opened and though most of John’s questions were answered, even more were raised as a good-looking man walked in. He was only slightly older than John.

‘Hi, Mr Lennon. I’m Ben. Ben Howard.’ He said as he held out his hand for John to shake, which John did reluctantly as he stared at the other man calculatingly. Both men’s faces turned to Yoko as she walked back in.

‘Ah, John. I see you’ve met Ben.’ She said as she handed him his tea and motioned him to sit down on the couch, which John did as he continued to stare at the man.

‘Yes, I have. But I still don’t know exactly who he is.’ He answered.

‘Well, I thought… with you having a little playmate, why shouldn’t I have one too.’ Yoko grinned and sat down next to him. John’s jaw nearly dropped to his knees.


	17. Chapter 17

John couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Yoko… had someone else? When did that happen?! It was hard for him to wrap his head around it and it felt as if he had been sitting there with his mouth wide open for hours, though it couldn’t have been more than a mere few minutes, or even less. And now he was sitting on his too white sofa, cup of tea in his hand, and alone. He had lost both Paul and Yoko, something he hadn’t considered possible before. It still sounded incredibly ridiculous.

‘But… since when?’ John asked after another long silence. Ben and Yoko shared a look, which John couldn’t face so he looked away.

‘Not long. We’ve met before, but… I was at his house this last week and it just sort of happened.’ Yoko told him, her voice strangely sweet and calm.

‘You can’t be serious?!’ John asked her, silently hoping it was some kind of test to see how much he still cared about her now she knew about him and Paul. It did seem much more credible. John hoped that was it. It had to be it, right?

‘I am, John. I know this must be hard to grasp, but… You and me… we can’t keep on telling ourselves we are still in love the way we used to be.’ Yoko said. John shook his head.

‘I can’t believe it. Of course we aren’t! It’s like a new phase! That’s what happens.’ He told her, sounding rather upset. Yoko could practically read his mind, so John knew it was stupid and useless to care, but he did.

‘Did it happen with you and Paul? Before? And with Cynthia?’ Yoko asked him, her voice edgy.

‘Yes! Of course. It happens with everyone!’ John answered immediately, feeling his blood boil up at the mention of both Cyn and Paul.

‘Exactly. And you two broke up. It doesn’t happen to everyone. It happens to the ones who aren’t with the person they belong to be with.’

‘And we didn’t?’

‘We did. And now that has passed.’

‘So you belong to be with this guy now?’ John asked, waving in the direction of where Ben was watching them quarrel.  

‘Yes. At this time of life, yes.’

‘I can’t fucking believe you. I love you, Yoko!’ John told her, looking up at her and meeting her eyes again for the first time in a long while. Yoko  reached over to caress John’s cheek, but John pulled away from his swiftly.

‘And I love you, John. But it’s not our time. Paul coming back in your life and visiting you in the hospital, should have made it pretty clear. I guess I didn’t want to meet and deal with the facts at hand then.’ She told him. John shook his head and looked away again. He kept quiet after that and blocked Yoko and her nonsense from his mind.

‘Leave, then.’ John said quietly after a while. Yoko fell silent at that, and John felt glad.

‘Alright… if that’s what you want. Me and Ben will go to a hotel and stay there until we’ve arranged things further. You can stay here, call Paul over, whatever you want. I don’t mind. I’ll contact you about further proceedings when I get the time and opportunity too.’ Yoko answered him. She leaned forward and placed a kiss on John’s cheek, before standing up and motioning Ben to get their suitcases, which were already packed and waiting from them in the bedroom.

‘I hope you and Paul will be happy. You deserve it.’ Yoko said softly. John didn’t reply and just looked down at his hands that were still holding the cup. He only moved again once he heard the front door close and another door open.

‘Daddy?’ Sean’s voice came from the door to his bedroom.’ John sighed and looked up, meeting the sleepy looking fellow with a fake, but seemingly happy smile.

‘Hey, Sean. Slept well?’ He asked.

‘Where’s mommy? And uncle Paul? mommy said he’d be there with you when you’d come home.’ Sean asked. John sighed and walked over to his son and swept him up in his arms.

‘They’re not here.’ He answered him, his voice wobble.

‘Oh… but when are they coming over again?’ Sean asked.

‘I’m not sure.’ Was the only answer John could give him at that moment and Sean seem to understand for he did not ask further.

Paul was still staring at his wife with his mouth wide open.

‘Wait… y-you wanted me to leave you?!’ Paul asked, not believing what he was hearing. Linda sighed and shook her head.

‘No… that’s not it. I… I just want you to be happy for once. You haven’t been for a while and actually I’ve never seen you happier when I saw you and John walking towards the car with all your bags!’ Linda told her husband.

‘Well, yeah, I was happy. He just got shot and it’s the first time I saw him after he had gotten out of the hospital. Of course I was happy! That doesn’t mean I love him more.’ Paul shot at her.

‘You do! And you and John are both stupid for not realising it!’ Paul fell silent after that, not knowing what to say to that. She didn’t understand. Paul didn’t even understand, so how could she?! He had loved John ever since he had met him at that fete all those years ago, he hadn’t even told John that, but he hadn’t known Linda then, and he had loved Linda too since he had met her. And besides, Linda hadn’t left him, hadn’t dropped him like he meant nothing to her, or made fun of him and make him feel guilty through a freaking song. She never cheated on him. She never hit him or hurt him. She had never even as much as called him names. Unlike John. He should love her more. A lot more. She’d never hurt him. John would. He’d humiliate him and stamp him under his feet like an ant if he could. And yet… never had Paul felt more at ease, more himself, more save, more praised, more wanted, more adored, more idolized and more needed than with when he was with John. But John did leave him. Had crushed him and broken him. Even now, John had left him. Again for Yoko. John had given up on him. Linda would never give up on him. Linda was beautiful and good for him. She loved him and cared for him and Paul did the same for her. They took care of each other. It was something that he hadn’t had before with John. They had just been messing about, like John had said many times, but Paul was too naive to believe it was true. Paul should love Linda more. But he wasn’t sure if he did. Love wasn’t logical. You couldn’t reason with it or figure out why you loved the one more than the other. Love didn’t let itself be let by reason and logic, but by pain and laughter. By tears and anger. By uncontrollably dumb feelings that didn’t make sense. But still, John had left him and Paul was hurt by that. John had left him multiple times and Linda hadn’t.

‘Paul, darling. I know it’s a difficult thing, but you’re forty now. You have to start doing and choosing for what you want. You and John can’t keep this up forever, running around each other. I know you love me. And I love you, I do, but… I-I know you’ll be happier with John. I’ve seen it and realised it, especially after the letter he has send you and seeing all those pictures of you two. You were so happy together. And I just want you to be happy. And if that’s not with me, than fine.’

‘Lin… I can’t…’

‘Yes, you can.’

‘He has left me. He went back to Yoko, like before. He has hurt me and broken me and how can I know he won’t do that again. I don’t want to lose what I have. You, the kids. You’re so good to me.’

‘Perhaps the reason why he hurt you, is because you care about what he thinks of you. You care about him and you have feelings for him. He knows you better than anyone else. Better than I know you. He only hurts you because he can. He can see what will hurt you and when, so that’s what he does. No one can hurt you like John can, because you care and because he knows you.’

‘I can’t deal with it if I lose him or he leaves me again.’ Paul told her, his voice silent, almost inaudible.

‘So, instead of holding on tightly and jump down the rabbit hole and do anything you can to stay together, you push him away and leave him?’ Linda asked.

‘I didn’t leave him. He went back to New York.’ Paul interrupted.

‘Yes, after you told him you’d stay with me. What did you expect, luv? For him to stay and just watch you be with the wrong person for the rest of your life?’

‘You’re not the wrong person…’

‘And what do you think this did to him? You of all people should know that behind that mask of his, he’s still that scared little boy who’s afraid of losing every single person he cared about in his life. And you left him. He lost you, Paul. He’s not as strong as you think.’

 

The house was completely silent. He had been home for a day and John could hear the people outside, laughing, walking, honking, and going about their busy lives. Sean was in his bedroom, doing whatever he was doing. John had promised himself to check on him every so often, so nothing bad would happen. The last check had been thirty minutes ago and he had been drawing. He should probably check on him again in another half an hour or so. Just to make sure everything is fine.

But not now. He didn’t want to move. It was half past two and he hadn’t even eaten since he landed yet. He wasn’t hungry, he didn’t feel like doing anything, he didn’t feel like talking to anyone, though he should probably invite Julian over some time soon again, he didn’t feel like turning  the telly on, knowing it would only sadden him more, even though he had been staring at the thing since he had laid back down on the couch after checking on his son. He had lost Paul. He had lost Yoko. He had lost his two biggest loves in his life. And he had messed things up with Paul again. He should have known it would be useless. He shouldn’t have let Paul kiss him and awaken those feelings inside him again. They had been put to rest, after a long struggle, but now they were there again, and burning hot as ever. It wasn’t fair. It really wasn’t.

John laughed sadly. Who was he to start talking about what was and wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. He had realised that long ago, before he had been able to write properly. He sounded like a spoilt brat, whining about it like that. But he had little else to do. He sighed to himself and rubbed his forehead. He was tired, but couldn’t sleep, his thoughts being haunted by Yoko, Ben whatever his name was, and mostly Paul. He had hoped Paul would call him and beg him to take him back and promising him he’d take the first plane to New York, but with every passing second, it began to become more and more unlikely, until John actually realised just how stupid that sounded. Straight from a chick-flick. As if that would ever happen in real life. Life was too unfair for stuff like that to happen. And he was stupid for just thinking about it.

John rubbed his eyes and got up to his feet. Perhaps he could take his mind of everything  by playing some piano. He walked over the white piano and sat down, lifting the cap and gently pressing down a key. The note filled the air around him. It felt good, feeling the vibrations of the piano go through the air and his body, making the hairs on his arm stand up as he pressed a few more, creating a slow, melancholic tune. It wasn’t long before John heard little light footsteps approach. He turned around with a small smile on his face as his son climbed onto the seat with him, sitting right where Paul had sat about a week ago. John bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from thinking about it.

‘Daddy? Can you teach me something?’ Sean asked sweetly, his voice high and happy. Yoko had told him that she’d leave after having dropped him off at John’s, so he wasn’t as upset about Yoko leaving than John had expected him to be, which was a relieve.

‘Teach you something? Sure… what’d you want to play?’ John asked.

‘Something happy!’ Sean answered excitedly. John chuckled, knowing his son well enough to know that Sean knew he wasn’t feeling very happy and trying to cheer him up. John had to admit he already felt better knowing that.

‘Alright, then. You play there,’ John placed his son’s hand an octave lower than his own, ‘And follow my lead, okay? Just like before, remember?’ Sean nodded happily at that and focused his eyes on his father’s hand and tried his best to do the same. John smiled as he saw how focused his son was, with his tongue out of his mouth and his eyes wide, groaning every so often when he missed a note. Soon Sean got better and better.

Suddenly their musical intermezzo was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing. John tensed up, not expecting anyone. Sean looked up at him with wide eyes as their hands stilled.

‘You just play on. I’ll be right back.’ John told him and leaned down to place a little kiss on the crown of Sean’s head. Sean nodded and started playing again, humming along as if he had to tell the piano what sound to make. It was adorable.

John took a deep breath and walked to the front door. He fixed his hair in the mirror that hung in the hallway, remembering he hadn’t combed it and he never knew who would be standing there waiting for him. He didn’t quite know why, but he felt nervous. He closed his eyes for a second and took in another deep breath. He jumped in his place the bell rang again. He took one step closer and slowly opened the door as Sean kept on playing the tune wrongly, which somehow fitted the situation terribly well. John felt his breath get stuck in his throat as he was greeted with a voice that sounded just as nervous as he felt himself.


	18. Chapter 18

Paul gasped as John opened the door. His hair was messy and greasy. His clothes dirty and worn out. And he had a stubble on his cheek.

‘Paul…’ The older man muttered. Paul smiled weakly.

‘Hi…’ He said. John continued to stare at him, not saying anything or making any kind of gesture he could come in or had to leave.

 

‘John… I-I’m so sorry… I shouldn’t have come, I know that. You’ve got your life here with Yoko and Sean and I shouldn’t have come. I have made my choice, I realise that. But I’m so so sorry. I’m sorry for all I did to you. All the pain I’ve cost you and the trouble I brought on by kissing you that one time. I stay true to what I’ve said. I never regretted it and never will. But I am sorry for what it has cost. And I understand if you’d want nothing more than hit me and scream at me and leave me forever and have nothing to do with me whatsoever for the rest of your life, I do. But I am sorry and I had to tell you that.’ Paul told him with a blush on his cheeks, just rambling on and on because he had no idea what else to do or say. He never felt this awkward or nervous in his life before and he had no idea how to handle it.  John, however, didn’t as much as blink at his apology and it took a while for him to start moving again, but when he did, it wasn’t in the same way Paul had thought he would. He didn’t hit him. He didn’t push him away. Instead he stepped aside to let Paul in.

Inside it was a lot warmer and Paul took off his coat and shoes, not wanting to stain John’s lovely white home. He could feel John’s eyes on him, watching him, but John didn’t say anything. He just let him into the living room where they both sat down. Paul on the large couch and John on a chair opposite. Paul could hear Sean play in the room next door.

‘Why are you here?’ It was the first thing John said once they sat down. Paul blushed and looked down at the white carpet.

‘I- I left Linda. She told me, too. She explained to me what was going on and now I’m here. I’m sorry, John. I shouldn’t have come. This was silly of me. You’ve got Yoko and Sean now. I shouldn’t ruin this for you again. Not now you’re happy again.’

‘Yoko left me, Paul. And I’m not happy. But I can’t say I’m bothered much by her absence. I don’t miss her. I miss somebody. I miss… waking up next to someone I care about, rather than her.’ John said as he looked up at Paul and caught his eye. Paul gasped inaudibly and stared at the older man.

‘But I don’t want to be second choice. You’ve hurt me, Paul. I can’t keep on doing this. So perhaps it’s better if we’d not be together. I’m sorry if you broke up with Linda to be with me, but… I can’t do it anymore.’ John continued. Paul nodded.

‘I’m sorry… I never realised how much you were affected by this. I’ve always seen you as the tough John Lennon. It is strange for me to see you like this and know what you’re feeling.’

‘You don’t know what I’m feeling.’

‘I do. Linda helped me understand.’

‘Then, tell me why I still care about you even after all this time and all the shite we’ve been going through. Why is it that rather than punch you right in the face when I saw you standing behind that fucking door, I wanted to kiss you? I wanted to grab you and hold on tightly and never let go? Why is it that I still love you?’ John asked, his voice edgy and rough. Paul’s eyes widened at the force of John’s speech and needed some time before he could answer, being in shock.

‘Because we’re two stupid arseholes who don’t realise that we do until the last moment. Because we… Because we continue to blame someone while there’s no one to blame. Because we both have too big of an ego to allow ourselves to take a step back and see what’s right there. Because we’re both to scared to hold on tightly and jump down the fucking rabbit hole. We’re stupid John. I was angry at you for leaving me, while I left you. I was upset when you left me for Yoko because I didn’t dare to ask you to stay with me. Because you were too scared to choose between her and me and drag me with you. Because even now, we are too scared to make up and start over because of whatever the hell it is. Pride? Ego? Image? Family? Society? Each other? Love? We’re scared, John. We both are. And that’s why we’re still here at our forties with one of us nearly shot dead and both no one left to go to. Because we’re scared to lose the last thing we’ve got. And that’s each other. So we won’t allow ourselves to even give it a shot.’ Paul told him as he looked up and looked John sternly into his eyes. And something seemed to click. There was a change of pressure in the room and when John spoke again, Paul couldn’t help but sigh in relief.

‘And Linda explained all of this to you?’ The older man asked with a slight tremor of amusement in his voice. Paul chuckled at that and nodded.

‘She did. In her own way.’

‘And how’s that?’

‘By shouting at me and kicking me out of the house to go after you.’ Paul admitted with a shy shrug. John laughed at that and Paul felt his whole body relax.

‘So you left Linda and Yoko left me?’ John asked as he sat down next to Paul with a ciggy dangling from his mouth and two cups of steamy hot tea in his hands. Paul nodded as he waved the cigarette smoke away with his hand and a expression of disgust on his face.

‘Little baby…’ John chuckled at Paul’s reaction and Paul merely glared at him.

‘It’s a disgusting habit that will kill you one day.’ He said. John shrugged.

‘I’m a tough guy. I survived a bullet! I think I’ll be fine against some dead plant.’ He said, making Paul laugh. He sighed.

‘Linda is a fantastic woman, Paul.’ He said. Paul crooked an eyebrow at that as he blew on his tea to cool it before taking a sip.

‘Yeah, I’ll tell her that, John.’ He said. John shook his head.

‘No, Paul. I mean… not many women would force their husband leave her in order to make him happy and in a loving relationship with another man.’ He said.

‘Well, you always were her favourite Beatle…’ Paul joked, but John didn’t laugh.

‘I’m serious, Paul.’ He said, even sounding serious. Paul smiled up at him and nodded.

‘Thanks, John.’

‘We should thank her.’

‘We should.’

‘What now?’ Paul asked after a while of sitting in silence. Sean had probably stopped playing piano, and was now doing god know’s what, for there was no piano playing in the background anymore. John asked down at him with a questioning look.

‘Are we… you know? Together? Or…’ Paul asked, blushing as he did so. John smiled and brushed a hair away from Paul’s face before wrapping an arms around him.

‘We… We can be. Together. As a couple. If you’d want to.’ He said. Paul smiled.

‘I’d like that.’ He said, making John smile as well and with that the younger man turned to face John properly as he raised his hand to cup John’s cheek in his hand. John relaxed into Paul’s sweet caress and his eyes fell close as Paul leaned up and pressed their lips together in a unsure, doubtful kiss. When Paul pulled away again, John left him with little time to catch his breath and grabbed Paul by his shoulder before kissing him again. Fully this time. Their lips locking together and moving over the other’s as their teeth nibbled and their tongue probed, but never entered. It was teasing and slow, and neither wanted it to end. But it had to. And Paul pulled away to breathe.

‘I-I love you, Macca.’ John spoke, his voice sounding hoarse. Paul smiled.

‘I love you, too, John.’ He said and kissed him again swiftly, as a peck.

‘You need to shave.’ Paul said as he caressed John’s stubbled cheek sweetly. John laughed and allowed Paul to do so as he pulled the younger man closer to him.

‘I’ve missed you.’

Paul woke up that following morning with only little memory left of the night and day before. He felt strangely out of place, but still comfortable in a white room. The bed was warm and the sheets were like feathers as soft as they were. He moaned and rolled over onto his belly  as he hugged his pillow. He tensed up  when he felt someone breathing down his neck.

He gasped as he turned his head and saw John laying next to him, on his side facing Paul. He was still fast asleep and Paul didn’t dare to move even an inch or make any kind of sound, being afraid to wake him up. Paul studied John’s face closely as he tried to recall what had happened. When he felt John’s arms wrapping themselves tightly around Paul’s body, it all came back to him. It madeh him blush and get hot all over. He could feel some dried up cum crackling on his thighs and belly as he tried to move. He groaned, feeling dirty and wanting to get up and take a shower, but John’s grip on him was too strong. He giggled at the ticklish feeling when John pressed closer to him, burying his face in the crook of Paul’s neck and tickling Paul’s jaw with his hair. Paul sighed and let himself relax in John’s tight grip. He had missed this. They could always clean up later, right?

About half an hour later, John awoke as well, groaning loudly into Paul’s ear as he did so. Paul smiled to himself as he rolled over to face the older man.

‘Morning…’ He said, still a bit unsure. He couldn’t quite believe they were finally where they were. After so much time. And now nothing stood in their way. It was completely unbelievable. But John still smiled a goofy, love-sick smile and pushed a lock of hair out of Paul’s face.

‘Morning.’ He answered and closed his eyes as he leaned in for a sweet little morning kiss.

‘We’re dirty…’ John remarked as he pulled away. Paul blushed and nodded.

‘Yeah…’

‘Should take a shower…’ John thought out-loud. Paul chewed his bottom lip as he nodded, not really wanted either of them to get up for something as insignificant as a shower.

‘You should take one with me.’ John grinned and looked up at Paul with a cheeky glint in his eye, making Paul chuckle and kiss him again.

‘I’d like that.’ He said. John chuckled with him and kissed him back.

‘I knew that you would. You dirty boy.’ He said before sneaking away from their embrace to grab everything he needed and headed to the bathroom.

‘I’m forty years old, you nit.’ Paul laughed, but nonetheless followed his… his lover in the bathroom. He couldn’t stop grinning to himself. Not even when John attacked his lips in a hungry kiss, pressed him against the wet, cold tiles on the wall and rutted against him until they were both moaning and gasping and coming. God, had Paul missed this.

John rinsed them both off from the dried and wet cum and filth, before turning the shower off and leading Paul out of the shower with teasing little nips at his bottom lip. He took a dry, fluffy towel from the rack and used it to dry Paul, who just let it all happend with an amused smile on his beautiful face. When tried to put Paul’s underwear on, however, Paul took over from him, saying he wasn’t a little kid. John shrugged and dried himself as he continued to stare at Paul as the younger man got dressed. He blushed when Paul caught him staring.

‘I’m glad you came back.’ John spoke softly as he and Paul sat at the piano together. Paul’s hands, that were playing a most beautiful slow melody, stilled. John took a deep breath before continuing.

‘I really am. I- I love you, you know and… I’m just glad I’ve finally got you now. For real. With nothing between us. Just us. Together… god, I sound so daft.’ He said and took his head in his hand, hiding his face as he cursed himself from being such a twat. He jumped slightly in his seat when he felt Paul’s hands on his own, taken them in his hands and bringing him down. The younger man was smiling at him.

‘You’re not, John. I- I love you, too. And I am, too.’ He spoke, ‘I never stopped loving you. Thank you for putting up with me.’

‘I could say the same thing, really.’ John chuckled, but Paul knew what he meant. And he was only more than happy to put up with all of John’s shit. And he would do so for the many more years to come. If John would let him. And it seemed like he would as the older man leaned down, cupped Paul’s cheek in his hand and kissed him, saying all he wanted to say and more in that little kiss.

‘We’ll get through it all.’ Paul said, making John smile and kiss him again.

Then suddenly they heard little footsteps behind them. He broke away as a little voice began to talk.

‘Is uncle Paulie living with us, now?’ Sean asked, cocking his head to the side as he studied to two man sitting on the stool. John and Paul looked at each other with searching looks until Paul finally answered for JOhn.

‘Yes, Sean. I think that I am. If you’re daddy will let me.’ Sean turned to focus on his dad, looking at him with big, pleading eyes, making Paul laugh as he turned his face away from John’s to look at him.

‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’ John answered, giving Paul a little kiss on his temple and wrapping an arm tightly around him. Paul let out a shaky breath that he hadn’t noticed he had been holding and smiled broadly as he allowed himself to relax against the other man’s chest. He could see himself like this. And he too wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was graciously imported from tumblr by [CJD](https://chut-je-dors.tumblr.com/) who is a good friend and overall pretty amazing. Suck it, Puck


End file.
